Week 36 is in the books... my last week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a great week. My week was fantastic for many reasons. It was my last week in prison, which is pretty awesome by itself, but we also had great weather and another amazing mission team at the ranch. Things in Morgantown were status quo this week, as no one has moved yet and the timing is still unknown. However, it is clear that they are planning to close this place according to whatever timeline the Federal Government decides makes sense for them.

The energy here was very good, as most of the guys who had packed up to leave were able to get their boxes back. There is a law that only allows our belongings to be kept in storage for 21 days without actually being moved. I made sure to slow things down this week whenever I could, to take in all the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings of prison. I don't necessarily want to be here anymore, but I also don't want to forget anything about my experience, as it has been such a special time in this season of my life.

We had a smaller mission team at the ranch this week, consisting of three couples who are retired from DuPont and have been blessing the ranch with their hard work for several years. It was great to talk to them about their journeys and share my own journey and future plans. As a throwback to my blog from two weeks ago, I thought it was worth mentioning that none of them asked me what I was going to do for work when I get home. They seemed much more interested in my ministry and how this experience has changed my life, which was very refreshing.

On Tuesday, Matt and I were having breakfast when Trina brought each of us 20 thank-you cards left for us by last week's mission team from Gordon College. Wow, what a humbling and inspiring experience it was for both Matt and me to read each of those handwritten notes, which referenced their experience of us and how they were praying for us and cheering us on as we both leave here and move forward with whatever God has planned for us next.

On Friday, I was honored to prepare my going-away meal for all my new friends at the ranch. Those of you who know me know that cooking is a love language for me, so this was a great opportunity to show these amazing people how special they have been to me and to say thank you in the best way I know how. I made smoked BBQ ribs, smoked chicken, smoked mac and cheese, baked beans, and smoked peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. I think it turned out great, and we had a wonderful celebration together. This week, Trina also made pepperoni rolls for us. These are West Virginia's state food, and I have been hearing about them since I arrived here. They were amazing and definitely something I'll be making for everyone when I get home! I don't know exactly what God has in store for me in relation to Chestnut Mountain Ranch, but I know that in some way, I will be working with them as they continue to scale their ministry, which clearly changes the lives of everyone they come into contact with.

I wanted to thank all of you who read my posts each week. Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you, to share my heart, and to be open to taking this journey with me. Writing has never really been my thing (some of you are probably saying, "Duh" right now, lol), but it has been such a meaningful part of my journey while I've been here. Thank you for all the prayers and support you have shown to my family while I have been away.

I also want to thank all my family and friends who have been with me on this incredible journey. Without your love, support, and forgiveness, I never would have made it this far. You have each blessed me in measurable ways, and for that, I am forever thankful. There is no way I could ever repay you for all that you have done for me, but my promise to you is that I will indeed pay it forward!

I want to thank Jackson's mom, Jenn. I have been in prison for just over eight months, and because of you, I have not had to worry about Jackson being loved and cared for even once. I know you would do this for him no matter what, and I also know that perhaps you didn't do it for me, but I am so thankful that Jackson has you as his mom. The most difficult part of being in prison was not being able to see Jackson or be a meaningful part of his life. You making sure that he and I stayed connected over the phone and that my family and I were kept in the loop regarding all the things happening in Jackson's life over these months has been such a blessing to me.

I want to say thank you to all the amazing men I have had the honor of meeting at FCI Morgantown over the past eight months. My prison Bingo card did not include sharing this experience with so many interesting and wonderful people. My perspective has changed in countless ways as a result of being exposed to so many of you. Mike, all the memories and laughs we shared together at the ranch made time fly, and I am blessed to have learned so much from you. You are a great man, and you have so much to offer everyone in your life, both in terms of your perspective and the love you share with your huge heart.

I especially want to thank my brothers, Matt and Justin. God (and, for you Matt, the universe ;)) knew exactly what He was doing when He brought the three of us together in this place and at this time. I prayed that God would place me in the exact unit and the precise bunk that He desired, so I could fully benefit from this experience; once again, He delivered. I can't even begin to imagine going through this without having you two here with me. We have said this many times, but I truly believe that the bond we have created will last a lifetime. What we have been through together and how we have grown continues to blow my mind. I am blessed to call you both my friends and look forward to many more memories as we move forward... I love you both!

Most importantly, I want to thank the most valuable player in all of this—God. I simply want to thank You for being here with me. For pruning me, taking my legs out from under me, and literally bringing me to my knees. But then surrounding me with so much love and support and not abandoning me when I needed You most. You have been with me, carrying me and sometimes dragging me along at every step on this journey. I will always seek You, I will always serve You, and I will always be a vessel that You can use to serve others.

I have been working to ensure that I maintain all the valuable habits I have developed and the important lessons I learned while I have been away. I decided to write a letter to myself so that when things get tough or I need to slow things down, I can read this letter to draw on my wisdom as a way to travel back in time to this moment and this place. I wanted to share this with all of you as I have been sharing my heart for many months, and it didn't seem prudent to stop now.

Dear Joshua,

The time is finally here! You did it, man. I am so proud of you. Not only did you achieve this, but you did it with class, dignity, honor, and—most importantly—humility. I know you would have never chosen this path, but knowing what we know now, I can't imagine it any other way. The perspective, healing, learning, and lifelong friendships that have emerged from this process are unique and cannot be obtained in any other way. You may believe there was an easier path, but we both know you are simply not an "easier path" kind of guy.

Now that you are at the finish line, it is all so clear to me: God had a plan. Once you decided to get out of His way, the plan began to fall into place beautifully. Now, the hard part begins as you re-enter the world with all its stress, competing interests, and frenetic pace. What I need you to remember is quite simple: you don't have this under control; you don’t have it all figured out, and you certainly are not ready to go back into the world and manage things, even if you attempt to leverage everything you learned while being away.

I know what you’re thinking: "What? How could you say something so unsupportive and demeaning?" Well, I’m telling you what I know—this is not something you can do gracefully. You cannot do this by following a process or relying solely on the gifts that God has given you. You do not have the strength or courage to face this alone. However, you can lean on your relationship with Jesus, follow His lead, and allow Him to carry you when you are weak. Pray and ask Him to guide you every second of every minute of every day.

As you exit this season of your life, there are so many things I want you to keep doing. Here are a few of them, in case you forget:

Things to Keep Doing:

- Keep writing - Keep trusting God’s plan
- Keep praying - Keep taking time for yourself
- Keep meditating - Keep showing people grace
- Keep trusting yourself - Keep letting people show you grace
- Keep seeking God in everything you do  

- Keep loving with your big, beautiful heart
- Keep being kind to yourself - Keep protecting your peace at all costs
- Keep leaning on your family and friends
- Keep being the best father you can be

You have learned that God has given you a special gift: people who love and support you no matter what. You have your family, your friends, and many others whom God has surrounded you with; He isn’t finished yet. With all of these things in place and with God’s blessing, you can have an enormous impact on the world. You can change the lives of people you know and those you may never meet. Don’t rush—sit back, focus, pray, and ask God to guide you.

As I know you well (because I am you—well, that’s kind of weird, but hey, we are doing this now, so let’s lean into it), you’ll need a roadmap that you can follow to stay on course and lean on when things get tough. Please remember the lessons you learned while studying Think Ahead by Craig Groeschel and prioritize them as you move forward. Here are seven decisions about your journey that you have made while in prison. Live by them, and you will thrive.

Seven Decisions for Your Journey:

1. I will be ready
   - Know my weak spots.
   - Ask myself if I am doing something I'd be embarrassed for others to know about.

2. I will be dedicated to faithfully pursuing Jesus
   - I cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).
   - Seek Jesus (Matthew 6:33).
   - Put Jesus first, before all others (Matthew 10:37-38).

3. I will be faithful (Matthew 25:21)
   - When I get to heaven, God will say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," not "my successful servant," or "my wealthy servant," or even "my humble servant."

4. I will be an influencer with my:
   - Prayers
   - Actions
   - Words
   - Grace

5. I will be generous
   - If I am not generous now, I won't be later.
   - Give God my first and best, and trust Him to bless the rest.

6. I will be consistent
   - Successful people consistently do what others do occasionally.

7. I will be a finisher

If I am not dead, then I am not done. God has more for me:
  - More love to give
  - More people to help
  - More ministries to start
  - More businesses to launch
  - More hope to share
  - More grace to give.

People may see me struggle, but they won’t see me quit. I will:
  - Say one more prayer
  - Give one more gift
  - Forgive one more time
  - Memorize one more verse
  - Continue to dream my dream

Follow these steps and focus on what lies ahead; you will be in a position to faithfully follow God's plan for your life. View yourself through God's eyes, give yourself grace, and extend all the grace others may need. You won't regret it.

I love you, and I pray that no matter what, you will always remember that you are good enough just as you are!
——————

The highlight of my week came on Wednesday afternoon when one of the couples who were at the ranch this week were about leave to head home.  They said goodbye to me, wished me luck, and then told me that they wished that they could give me the addresses of each of their adult children so that I could meet with them and share with them my inspiring story about grace and restoration in an effort to get them back on the right track on their walk with Jesus.  Wow, this was insane to me.  As I sat there in my prison uniform eating lunch they were telling me that they wanted me to be an example of what God can do when you seek Him, move closer to him, and allow him to shine in and through us. I felt so incredibly humbled and honored that they saw me as someone who had a story of success. God is amazing and He used these incredible people to show me on my last days here that He has indeed given me a message worth sharing and a message worth hearing.

I hope that you all have been blessed in some way by my blog over the past 36 weeks...I know for certain that I have.  So long for now, what an amazing ride this has been...please join me in fastening your seatbelts, I think this ride is about to get even more interesting!

2 Corinthians 12:9- But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Posted on March 23, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 35 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!!

Hey everyone, I hope that you all had a wonderful week. My week went by very fast as it was busy at the ranch and there was a lot of action here at the compound, so time literally flew by. We had the best weather this week that we have had since I arrived in July; what a blessing that has been. I was able to be outside in the evenings quite a bit, and with the time change, it has been getting dark much later, which allows for many more outdoor activities that help to pass the time. This weekend, I celebrated my eighth month here in Morgantown and also marked my 10-day countdown to leaving here and moving on to the next phase of this journey. Time keeps moving forward; I'll be pulling away from here with more memories and perspective than we will be able to fit in the trunk of MaNell's car!

One of the things that I have been doing since coming here in July is keeping track of how much time I have been here and how much time I have left by counting full moons. Most guys track days in groups of 100, or they track months, and in some cases even things like Christmas or Super Bowls, but I have been tracking full moons. Every night, I go outside and look at the moon, imagining that Jackson may be looking at the same moon. It has really been my closest connection to his life since coming to prison, as I know he loves looking at the stars and moon, and perhaps we are looking at the same moon at the same time, together. Being able to look at the last full moon of my time here in Morgantown is very surreal to me, as it always makes me feel sad and hopeful at the same time—a certainly strange sensation. I am very lucky to have had the moon along with me on my journey, and I am beyond lucky that this will be the last time I see a full moon from this prison.

This week at the ranch was my favorite week yet. We had a mission team in all week from Gordon College in Massachusetts. There were 20 students at the ranch this week; what a blessing they were to the ranch and to me personally. Their energy and enthusiasm were incredibly contagious, and it was great timing for the ranch as well as for me. For the ranch, it seemed to align quite well with the coming of spring, which represents a new season of growth and beauty in all of the things around us. For me, it was awesome timing as I am in the process of transitioning mentally and emotionally to whatever God has in store for me next on my journey. This group of young people is on fire for Christ, and their spirit flowed through me all week. God knew that this is what I needed and when I needed it, and once again, He provided it in a larger fashion than I ever could have imagined. To see them interact and love each other, putting their hearts and souls into what they were working on at the ranch, was overwhelming to experience. I am honored to call them friends and to have spent five wonderful days serving God together at Chestnut Mountain Ranch. The highlight was when Matt and I were leaving to head back to the prison on Friday afternoon, and a large group of them asked if they could pray over us; it was awesome. It was a moving experience for both Matt and me, and I could feel God in the room, working through these young ambassadors for Christ. I hope to stay in touch with them in some way as my journey continues, and I hope to be able to bless them at some point, even a fraction as much as they blessed me.

Since coming to prison last July, it has struck me that even though I am in prison, in many ways I feel less captive and less imprisoned than I have felt for the majority of my life. It has taken me several months, lots of reading, tons of self-reflection, and endless amounts of writing to actually get my head around this feeling and to make an attempt to turn said feeling into words that are much more impactful than just having a feeling. It is clear to me that coming to this physical prison has, in many ways, been a life-saving experience for me. The thing about being in prison is that you have the time and the emotional space (if you choose to use it) to explore how you ended up here and what events led to this point in your life. In the end, I have come to the conclusion that, in reality, I had been in a prison for most of my life, and this experience was actually intended to set me free. As I have meditated on this and discussed it with many other people, I have come to the conclusion that many others feel the same way.

When we think of prison, we often think of a physical prison, such as the one that I am in as I write this today, but in reality, there are many other prisons that we live in that are much scarier, much more damaging, and have a much more negative impact on our lives. I am thinking of the prison of guilt, the prison of shame, the prison of anger/sadness/pain, and my personal favorite, the prison of pride. Each of these prisons has a profound impact on our ability to live the life that God has planned for us and will not allow the love of Jesus to shine in and through us. If you are or have been in one of these prisons, then you know exactly what I mean; you can be paralyzed by each of these and be unable to be the father, husband, son, friend, and man of God that Jesus built us to be. One of the greatest things about being Joshua Gregg is that although I have spent the past eight months in prison, and the whole world knows my deepest secrets, I am free. I am free from all of the prisons that have held me back over the first four and a bit decades of my life. For some people who are living in the same space that I endured for so long, you know how painful it can be, and you know how heavy the burden is to carry.

If we look at each of these prisons, we can see that they are deep and impact so many parts of our lives. If we unpack each of these and look at their parts, we can also see that no one is free from their own personal prison unless we are able to ask for and accept forgiveness from those who have been impacted by our choices, including the most important person—ourselves—and accept the mercy and grace of God, which has already been given to us. Some examples of these prisons that I have come up with in my notes are below, but I know that there are many more:

-Guilt: Addiction (drugs, alcohol, pornography), having an affair, serving other masters ("idolatry" - people, money, "stuff"), not being the kind of parent we wished we could be.

-Shame: Hurting someone, feeling you are not worthy, believing grace is not for you, jealousy, envy.

-Anger/Sadness/Pain: Someone has hurt you, the loss of someone you love, a broken heart, loneliness.

-Pride: Ego, not needing grace, not accepting mercy.

I am a bit of an overachiever, as I have been in more than one of these prisons over time and have spent a great deal of time living in the prison of pride, which has led to many situations that are less than ideal, including me typing this blog post from a prison behind a computer that was built in the early 2000s.

Many of us continue to live in our prison until something life-changing happens to us, such as the death of a child, losing someone we love, a near miss with our own death, an illness, or even spending time behind bars. I am on a quest to find a way to help others see that there is freedom from our prisons without having to deal with all of the pain that goes along with these life-changing, and in some cases soul-crushing, events. There must be a way where, at scale, we can all feel safe sharing with each other the things that are holding us captive and trust those around us to love us through whatever it is that put us into this prison in the first place. For me, this was not an answer that I was able to find, and I want to use the passion and gifts that God has given me to find this solution for so many other people so that they might avoid having to endure a not-so-gentle correction from God. All that these self-made prisons accomplish is to make us feel separated from God and move us further away from the life that God intended for us to live. I believe that hell is not a place; rather, it is an eternal separation from God. For most of my life, I have kept myself separated from God and have been unable to feel alive and to feel the freedom that only comes with an intimate personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I just finished reading a book that was sent to me by one of my best friends; it is called *Beautiful Outlaw* by John Eldredge. I would highly recommend reading it, as it does a phenomenal job of painting a picture of the personality and even the sense of humor of Jesus using the Bible as its foundation. In this book, there is a beautiful passage that explains how I feel when I am moved further away from Jesus compared to how I feel when I am seeking Him: "When He and I are close, I like who I am. When we seem to be distant, I am a disaster—well-dressed perhaps, putting a good face on things, but lifeless, like a cut flower. When I am in Christ or He is in me, everything is different: the way I see myself, the way I see others. I am the man I want to be. As we love him, experience him, and allow his life to fill ours, the personality of Jesus transforms our personalities. The timid become bold, and the bold become patient; the patient become fierce, and the uptight become free; even the religious become scandalously good. 'They looked to Him, and they were radiant'—Psalm 34:5. They looked to Jesus and became like Him. Being close to Jesus helps us to become what human beings were meant to be." As Athanasius said, "He became what we are so that we might become what He is" (how freaking awesome is that last quote? I get chills every time I read it). I think an entire book could be written on this one passage, as it brilliantly sums up what happens in our lives as we move closer or drift further away from Jesus. If you believe my assertion that our prisons are what keep us away from this type of relationship with God, then it seems so obvious to me that we should be using everything we have to help ourselves and others escape from our own prisons and release ourselves to bask in the wonderful glory of Jesus Christ.

The highlight of my week came on Saturday night. I have been doing this thing since I came here where I find someone who is in need of a haircut or a beard trim and might not have the means to get it on their own. I find them and offer to help them get a "prison makeover." It’s a lot of fun for me and makes my heart feel very full. Well, Saturday night I was able to bless a guy named Frank who lives in the same unit as me. Frank and I have become friends, even though he has single-handedly caused me to rethink my position on the Second Amendment, lol. Frank has not had a haircut or his beard trimmed since last summer and was in need of a little love, so I offered to help him, and he accepted without hesitation. Matt, Nate, and I watched the process, and several other guys stopped by to observe and support him as well. The look on his face when the process was complete and he saw himself in the mirror made my heart feel so incredibly full. He said, "Wow, I look really cool." This was a super small thing, but being able to help Frank look "cool" did more for me than it did for him, I can promise you that.

I hope that you have a blessed week...I am certain that I will!

Posted on March 16, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 34 is in the books... another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope that you all had a great week. It was a good week for me that started a bit slow but finished strong. The weather was all over the place this week, which is not at all ideal, but I'm sure that it was the same for the majority of you as well. They continued to pack up guys here this week; the total number is now well over 100, and it sounds like the goal is to have 200 guys ready to be moved by the week of March 17. As you can imagine, the stress and anxiety levels here are quite high, which ends up causing a lot of additional conflict at the camp between the guys. I think that everyone will be quite pleased when they have been moved to their new location and can get settled in. One of the camps where people are moving is called Hazleton, and this happens to be the landing spot for several of my close friends. We found out this week that their visitation schedule only allows for visits on Friday, compared to our current situation, which includes Saturdays and Sundays. As you can imagine, the guys here are very unhappy about this, as for most, it will mean significantly fewer visits from their families and a lot less time with their kids. Please keep these guys and their families in your prayers as they work through their new reality. I am very blessed that this did not have an impact on me, but I am very sad for my friends who will have to endure this dramatic shift in their ability to stay connected to their loved ones.

I had another amazing week at the ranch. We were very busy again this week as we were wrapping up a few projects at the new house and preparing for a large mission team (25 college kids from a Christian college in Boston) to arrive over the weekend and hit the ground running on Monday morning. I worked on a project this week where I rebuilt five chainsaws. I replaced the bars, chains, fuel filters, air filters, and spark plugs. It was cool that I was able to lean on my experience working at Mr. Super Rent in Muncie during a couple of my college years. I never imagined that this knowledge would come in handy this many years down the road. On Friday afternoon, Matt and I were up at the top of the property using those chainsaws to cut some trees into chunks to be split by the log splitter; we were commenting on how beautiful it was and how amazing it was to be there, working hard with our hands in such a wonderful environment. I mentioned how grateful I was that God has provided such an incredible setting for us to work. Matt, who you all know by now is an atheist, said, "Do you know how I know there isn't a God?" I, of course, took the bait and said, "How?" expecting a deep thought, as Matt is a very bright guy who generally has some fascinating perceptions. He then said, "Because if there was a God and He created everything to perfection, we would be able to see our farts." I laughed so hard that I cried, and I had to admit that he had a point this time. Imagine how different the world would be if this were the case, lol.

This week, I had a very strange thing happen to me. I received two emails from family members asking me what I was going to do for work when I am released from prison. This question really triggered me, as I was a little annoyed that someone would ask me something so insignificant at this moment when I am about to leave here and move to the next phase of this journey. I think that for me to have accomplished so much while I have been away in terms of my spiritual, emotional, and physical health, it just felt a little shortsighted and irrelevant to ask me about my job or how I planned to generate income. I answered both questions the best I could with very limited information about how long I'll be at the halfway house and what home confinement will look like, but I was still thrown off by the question.

I spent quite a bit of time on Sunday and Monday meditating and processing why I felt the way I did in response to being asked this question over the weekend. In the end, I think that it wasn't the question that threw me off; it was how the question made me feel that was so upsetting to me. The question was a fair one, and I believe it was not intended to offend or trigger me in any way. My initial thought when I was asked and started to think through my reply was a feeling that I owed them a really good answer that would make them feel calm and confident about my immediate future. This is what really got to me, as I have lived so much of my life trying to make other people feel good and to make them feel like I have everything under control, even when I didn't. The fact that my instinctual response was to do the same thing made me very upset with myself. I was thinking back to my blog in week 10 when I went into significant detail about my childhood trauma. I think that this question touched directly on my humiliation wound, and that is what really set me off. Throughout my life, my lack of self-esteem or ego strength, driven by never feeling good enough as a child, has caused me to feel the need to prove myself to other people and to make them feel that I have everything under control. I was so convinced that I was not enough that I spent nearly all of my time trying to prove to myself and those around me that I was indeed enough.

I have overcome these feelings to a great extent, but in certain situations, I have learned that I will still need to check myself and remind my exiles and protectors that I do indeed have everything under control. In reality, I don't really feel the need to focus on what other people think about where I am or where I am going; that is between me and God, and to be honest, with little to no input from me. It is not my job to make other people feel good or even feel marginally better about my future and what it holds for me in terms of job opportunities. Over the past nearly eight months, I have been somewhat insulated from these types of questions, and I should have expected this to be a thing as I move closer to the end of this journey, but I was still a bit caught off guard. I think that in my mind, if you know me through reading about my journey in my blog, talking to me, or even visiting me, then you should already know that I am not at all concerned about what the future holds for me in relation to these tactical and, to be honest, meaningless things. I am much more focused on the big picture and how I will be fulfilled doing whatever God has planned for me as I move forward. My only responsibility is to ensure that the communication channel is wide open between God and me so that when He is ready to send me a message, I am ready to receive His message and execute accordingly.

I have spent so much of my life asserting myself to make things happen for me in a way that aligned with my "long-term plan," and I now feel so much peace in knowing that God has a plan for my life, and it is a perfect plan indeed. I have been dreading the "What will you do for work?" or "What is going to happen to your relationship with Jackson?" questions for so long that I found myself caught in a bit of a chaotic moment last weekend when it finally came up. This fear of not being enough is my Goliath, and I need to remember that my Goliath has been defeated.

The reality is that even though my Goliath has indeed been defeated, Satan will always be working to find ways to open this wound and use it to defeat me. He knows what I am capable of doing; he knows that I am capable of doing great work for God. He knows that I can be a light that will shine to lead others from being lukewarm Christians to being hot for Jesus and making a difference in the world around me. He is threatened by me and wants to use my Goliath to diminish my efficacy or even eliminate me from the picture. Unfortunately, we are surrounded by the enemy; he doesn't just come at us from predictable places; he comes at us from all directions and always when we least expect it. He will come at us with financial situations, he will come at us with emotional situations, and he will come at us with health problems. He will come at us at home, and he will come at us at work. He is successful when everywhere we look, all we can see is that everything is falling apart.

I can imagine Jesus on the way to Calvary, carrying the cross, bleeding and hurting. He was just as human as you are at this moment, and I am certain that He just wanted to quit. He looked to His right and saw crowds mocking and cursing Him; He looked to His left and saw crowds spitting at Him. Everywhere He looked, there was bad news, and the fear must have been overwhelming. The good news is that He was surrounded, but He was not defeated. The same goes for us, as we have Jesus on our team, as He has already defeated our Goliath. Cancer is great, but our God is greater. Our trauma is great, but our God is greater. Depression is great, but our God is greater. Anxiety is great, but our God is greater. Family turmoil is great, but our God is even greater. In these moments when I am feeling my protectors and my exiles taking over my mind, I have learned to stop and think to myself that I don't have to be strong, have courage, or even have hope for the future because I can leverage all of these things through God. There is a great philosophy about anxiety that has been shared with us from Epictetus (who is quickly becoming my favorite of the Stoic philosophers); it has to do with the source of our anxiety: "When I see an anxious person, I ask myself, what do they want? For if a person wasn't wanting something outside of their own control, why would they be stricken with anxiety?"

The answer to the curious question is that I don't know exactly what the future holds for me in terms of my career, and I don't know what the future holds for my relationship with Jackson. I do, however, know that God has a plan for me and that when He is ready, He will reveal this plan to me. Until then, I will be praying for patience and for God to continue to prepare me for whatever amazing things He has in store for me. If anyone finds themselves curious about these things, I would love it if you would pray with and for me, and we will all see God's plan revealed together. Many are the plans of a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails—Proverbs 19:21. My mom shared this verse with me this week with no idea about what I was going through. It always amazes me how God will use us to shed light in each other's lives.

The highlight of my week came over the weekend when I had my final visit before leaving here in just over two weeks. My mom and dad came to see me for a couple of days, and it was kind of cool that they were my first and my last visit here in Morgantown. We had a great time catching up and talking about my experience and everything I have learned. I would never have been able to get through all of the uncertainty of the year before coming here and the journey that I have been on over the past year without the love and support of my family. My parents have been two of my biggest supporters throughout this entire process, and I am so grateful for them. I am so excited to be back home, where I will be very close to them for a little while as I wait for God to present me with my long-term plan, and I am certain that they will love and support me through this next season as well. This week, I also received a wonderful email from a good friend of mine who has been a friend to me for nearly 20 years. In her message, she said that she was "committing to praying for me every day until March 25th and will ask God to hold my hand and my soul as He prepares me to fearlessly face whatever is next on my journey." She also said that she will be "praying for my relationship with Jackson and that God will remove any roadblocks that may be in the way of he and I being together very soon." I am so blessed to have friends like her who support me from a front-row seat as God continues to perform miracles in my life.

I hope that you all have a blessed week... I am certain that I will.

Posted on March 9, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 33 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a good week. My week was a bit chaotic but extremely good. I have told you all about the prison closing and the uncertainty surrounding that situation. Well, this week they started the process of "packing guys out" to ship them to their new homes. There are two prisons in West Virginia where 99% of the guys will be going from here: Beckley and Hazleton. On Monday, they started calling guys down to tell them they needed to pack up and what they are allowed to bring with them. This continued all week, and now they have called about 50 guys down to be packed up by this coming Monday. Everyone will get two boxes to put all of their belongings in, and that's it, so it has been a week of guys freaking out, trying to consolidate all of their belongings that will be shipped along with them to their new home. Matt and I have been spared from going through this process thus far. According to my Case Manager, I will not be going anywhere and will be leaving from here on March 25th as planned. As of this week, Matt has been put in for his halfway house placement and will likely be going someplace else for a short time, but no one knows for sure just yet. Most of my other close friends have been packed up and will be leaving here in the next couple of weeks. I am praying that everyone will have peace about this process and will trust that, regardless of where they are going, God will be there with them and that they have work to do in their new span of influence.

This past week, I moved into my own room here in Randolph Unit. I have been living in a dorm setting for the past 7.5 months, where we have about 30 guys living in the same room in bunk beds that are separated by lockers and desks. I have had my own bunk, locker, and desk for a few months, which is a huge upgrade from living in the food truck where I lived for the first few months that I was here; now I have a room all to myself. It is 81 sq. ft. of the finest floor space that the Federal Bureau of Prisons has to offer, lol. This is by far the worst room I have ever lived in, and this is saying something coming from a guy who spent the first few months of his life living in a laundry room. But it is my favorite room that I have ever had. Having a window, a fan, a light switch, and my own space is simply amazing. I keep talking about how much perspective I have gained while on this journey, and this is no exception. I am so grateful that I get to spend my final month here in Morgantown in the peace and tranquility of my own room.

There is a guy in my unit who came here just before Christmas; his name is Mackley. He is a really good guy, and he looks like they drafted him from central casting to play the role of "inmate" in a TV show about prison. He is about 6'5", a very fit black man who carries himself as you would expect someone who has been in Federal Prison for the past 17 years. He does this really funny thing that Matt and I think is a result of him being "down" for so long. When he tries to make a point or reference something, he always uses a movie as his point of reference. Whereas I might say something like, "I was using Chat GPT to learn about something," he would say, "that's like that movie where they used Chat GPT to write a paper for school." It’s a very endearing quality that he has, but it gives us significant perspective on what it is like to be in prison this long and only experience most of your adult life through TV shows and movies.

This week was another super busy week at the ranch. We worked on the new house all week, and we accomplished so much in just five days. We worked again on flooring and painting, along with several other projects to prepare for what will be a couple of big weeks starting on Monday. We also sanded and stained all of the wood for the stairs, which includes the treads, railings, and newel posts. It was a lot of sanding and staining, but I continue to find it therapeutic to work with my hands, and I hope to be able to continue this type of work as a hobby going forward. This week, we will be preparing for two mission teams that will be at the ranch the weeks of March 10 and March 17.

As I continue to study and learn more about my good friend Paul, I am drawn to the beginning of his story and how it shaped who he was and, more importantly, who he would eventually become. As we know, life is less about who we are in any given moment and more about our evolution in becoming who God created us to be. I think that perhaps the least talked about and most interesting part of Paul's story is his evolution from Saul to Paul. It is important to mention that, contrary to popular belief, Saul didn't "change" his name to Paul. Like many people in his day, Paul went by two names; this was especially normal for Jews who had Roman citizenship, such as he did. Saul was simply the name he chose to go by earlier in his life to reflect his Jewish heritage, but Paul was the Roman version of his name, which he chose to use in his role as a missionary to us Gentiles.

What regrets do you have in your life? When I look back over the years, there are many things that stand out to me as things I wish I could take back: people I didn't treat fairly, bad choices I made, situations I didn't fully understand, and so many moments I took for granted. Perhaps you are blessed, and when you look back, the things that stand out are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things. But if you are like me and many others, you have something in your past that is truly painful to think about: infidelity, substance abuse, turning your back on a loved one, dishonest business dealings, or maybe even worse. If you are like so many of us, even those who have been forgiven or redeemed by Christ, you know that Satan can use your past to make you feel ashamed, belittled, even unqualified to be used by God. If this describes you, then you are not alone, as there are many of us—err, most of us—who are dealing with or have dealt with the exact same thing. Like Paul, many of us do indeed feel regret for how we have acted in the past, or in some cases, how we are living our lives in this moment. Regret is not at all an unhealthy feeling. It's reasonable to look back and feel that we would do things differently or, as MGK says, "there are a few songs that I'd rewrite" if given the chance. What isn't healthy as a Christian is to feel shame over our past sins. When we accept the grace of Jesus, our sins, our debts against God, our shame, are all wiped away. Jesus purchased our innocence on the cross (read that again; isn’t it the most beautiful thing you can imagine?). Most of us want the crown without the cross, but Jesus knew that he had to accept both on our behalf. If we have repented of our sins and have been saved by faith in Jesus, nothing in our past can keep God from working through us to accomplish His purpose. I think Paul may have been one of the greatest examples of this.

The question I keep asking myself is who my Saul is—who in my life needs me to pray for them, pray with them, and show them that I have so much confidence in who they are becoming that even when they question themselves, they will feel the power of purpose flowing through me. God used Paul to touch the world, but remember, He first used Ananias to touch Saul. Has He given us a similar assignment? Has He given us a Saul? Ananias thought that God was out of His mind when He asked him to travel to meet this random character, Saul, who saw himself as "the worst of sinners" (1 Timothy 1:15). Who do we know who has been written off? They are too hard...too addicted...too old...too crazy...too far gone. No one gives your Saul a prayer, but perhaps you are beginning to realize that maybe God is at work behind the scenes, perhaps telling you that it's too soon to throw in the towel. Please don't resist these thoughts, as I am here today because someone was praying for me, someone believed in me, someone cried with me, and someone heard Jesus tell them that I was worth believing in. Joseph didn't resist these thoughts. His brothers sold him into slavery, yet he welcomed them into his palace. Hosea didn't resist these thoughts. His wife, Gomer, was a queen of the red-light district, but Hosea kept his front door open, and she came home. If you don't think you have a Saul, then maybe you have already discarded yours; perhaps you would be well-served by circling back with this person. You just might be the person who will save their life.

Of course, no one believed in people more than Jesus did. He saw something in Peter worth developing, in the adulterous woman worth forgiving, and in John worth harnessing. He saw something in the thief on the cross, and what he saw was worth saving. He saw something in a wild-eyed, bloodthirsty extremist named Saul; he saw an apostle of grace. Even in the life of a lost and at best lukewarm Christian named Joshua (me), he saw a miracle and chose to restore him through His grace to use him to tell others his story. Don't give up on your Saul. When others write them off, give them another chance. Stay strong. Call him brother. Call her sister. Tell your Saul about Jesus, and pray. In Galatians 6, we learn that God calls us to do good to everyone: "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you may also be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something they are not, they only deceive themselves. Each one of us should test our own actions." I think that this verse instructs us to help others and carry each other's burdens, but do not lose sight of the fact that we are also sinners, and we should not judge those whom we are helping in the name of Jesus. And always remember this: God would never send us where He hasn't already been. The people that we will inspire and those who will inspire us may be nearer to us than we think.

I have personally been told that my sin was "too dirty and might be a risk to my reputation" by someone whom I thought was a good friend. I have been written off by many other "friends" who I thought would be there for me under any circumstances. I have been told by members of my own family that they were "angry at me" because they couldn't accept my sin. But I have had the blessing of being surrounded by so many others who have prayed for me, prayed with me, and literally carried me when I could not walk. I have been Saul, and I know that there is no pain like being abandoned in your time of need, but I have also been Paul, who has felt the overflowing grace of Jesus and the unconditional love of those around me, and the juice is definitely worth the squeeze. If you are Saul, then do not give up on yourself, as Jesus can and will use you to show others what great looks like. And if you know a Saul, please do not give up on them; show them how much you love them, believe in them; be there for them when they need you most. I think this is put beautifully by Viktor Frankl: "Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant." I want to be there to love people who want to change; I want to be the impetus for their change when they see the miracle that God has performed in my life.

I hope that you all have a blessed week...I'm certain that I will.

Posted on March 2, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 32 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you all had an amazing week out there. My week was pretty much status quo, which is not a bad thing when you are in prison. I went to visitation last Sunday at 8 a.m., and when I returned to my housing unit at 3 p.m., most of the guys here were either wearing masks or were already in bed sick; it literally happened that quickly. I was feeling pretty good until about 6 p.m., when I started to feel like I was getting a fever and just felt off. I thought I was just having the post-visitation blues (it's a real thing where you get sad for a day or two after visitation and then sort of settle back in and continue to move forward and shake off the blues), but as I was sitting in chapel, I started to feel much worse, and before I knew it, I was full-on sick. Ugh, it really sucked. I was pretty much in bed most of Monday, as it was a holiday and we didn't go to work anyway, and then I started to feel better during the day on Tuesday. It was a quick in-and-out type of virus, but through Thursday, I was only feeling 75% and was coughing quite a bit. I hope this was just a local thing and didn't impact any of you or your families.

We had a really good week at the ranch and were able to navigate the frigid temps and daily snow. We worked inside the house mostly, and Matt and I were able to spend a day in the woodshop working on some display panels for a recruiting event that the ranch participated in over the weekend. It was a fun week, and we accomplished much at the house and around the ranch. Tomorrow, I start my last full month at the ranch and am beginning to count the days as they continue to tick away. I don't know how I would have been able to do this time here in Morgantown without being able to spend time at the ranch. It has been such a blessing to me and will always hold a place in my heart as I think back on this special time in my journey.

We have been doing a morning Bible study while eating breakfast at the ranch; it is a great use of time and a fantastic way to start the day in a casual but meaningful way. One of the guys I work with mentioned that he has been struggling a bit with talking to some of his friends about God in a way that will lead them to Him without being too pushy, thus having the opposite effect. I shared with him that I do not believe that God needs us to be His closers. He is more than capable of doing the closing; all we need to do is show those around us what it looks like to live our lives in a way that reflects Christ. We are simply called to let His light shine in and through us, and He will do the rest. If Alec Baldwin was correct, then God will be drinking all of the coffee in heaven! :)

I have been doing a lot of studying and learning a great deal about a man named Paul. Have you ever heard of him? I am enamored by Paul, as he and I share a lot of the same "qualities" and experiences, only he was imprisoned for his passionate commitment to preaching the gospel, and I was imprisoned for my passionate commitment to being a man of the world—a major difference there. Wow, what an amazing and familiar story he has to share. The headline of his story is very much the same as mine: "Life-altering transformation happens when sin meets the Savior." The message is simply gripping: Show a man his failures without Jesus, and the result will be found in a roadside gutter. Give a man religion without reminding him of his filth, and the result will be arrogance in a nice suit. But get the two in the same heart, and the result just might be another Pharisee-turned-preacher who sets the world on fire. You see, much like me, Paul was on a rampage until he had a personal encounter with Jesus Christ and ended up bewildered in a borrowed bedroom; God left him there for a few days with scales on his eyes so thick that the only direction he could look was inward. Paul lost his sight, and I lost pretty much everything else until all I, too, could do was look inward and upward to find the answers to all my questions of "why me."

Paul learned an incredibly valuable lesson and then taught us the same: sometimes God will call us to places we wouldn't expect to go and to meet people we wouldn't have expected to see. Paul's message was very simple; he preached "Christ crucified, Christ risen, our sins forgiven," not because he didn't have anything else to talk about, but because he could literally never exhaust this message. How powerful of a statement is that? I admire this quality a great deal, and I pray that I will never exhaust the message of my life: "Christ Jesus came into this world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason, I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who believe in Him and will receive eternal life." (1 Timothy 1:15-16) To put it more simply for those of you like me who went to state schools, "Through grace, even, er, especially sinners like me will be His chosen instruments used to glorify God and to build His kingdom." Wow, that gives me chills every time I read it and literally blows my mind when I meditate on it. If I am lucky enough to spend the rest of my life telling others my story, this is the only message that I need to share. The absurdity of Paul and Joshua (me) is unreal. Paul should have been finished on the road to Damascus for spending his entire life to that point persecuting Christians, and I should have been left to suffer for wasting the gifts that God has given me, along with all of my weakness and sin. Thankfully, God had other plans for me and stepped in to destroy everything that I thought was important in an effort to completely restore me to who He needs me to be. We all should pray that we have our own road to Damascus; we just have to be weak enough to recognize it and allow Jesus to take over once we are there.

Paul's challenge was very much the same as most of us who are too ashamed or too frightened to fully immerse ourselves in the glory of Jesus Christ. Paul attempted to set an example by boasting about all that he had been through, which would qualify him to preach the gospel of Jesus. In 2 Corinthians, we learn that Paul would shout, "I am speaking as a fool. Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham's descendants? So am I. Are they servants of Christ? I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods; once I was pelted with stones; three times I was shipwrecked." He went on and on, all to try to prove his point. He even went as far as to say, "I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches," like this was his problem to sort out, not God's. After all of this, he asked God to remove the thorn in his flesh, which was given to him as a reminder not to become too conceited. God's answer to him is one of my favorite lines in this beautiful book that we call the Bible: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." AKA, "My power shows up best in weak people," or it is not your pedigree that God is interested in; it is only by His grace and your weakness that you will be made strong. "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties."

I was reading some notes this week from a book about Epictetus, and I came across one of his thoughts that I thought was very relevant. It was titled "Self-Mastery Depends on Self-Honesty": "Know first who you are and what you're capable of. Just as nothing great is created instantly, the same goes for the perfection of our talents and aptitudes. We are always learning, always growing. It is right to accept challenges; this is how we progress to the next level of intellectual, physical, or moral development. Still, don't kid yourself: If you try to be something or someone you are not, you belittle your true self and end up not developing in those areas where you would have excelled quite naturally. Within the divine order, we each have our own special calling. Listen to yours and follow it faithfully." Here, Epictetus tells us that we should always be trying to learn more and develop new skills, but we should never try to be something or someone that we are not, because if we do, we risk forfeiting our special calling given to us by God.

My prayer for all of us is that we will thank God for bringing the right people into our lives at the right times to influence and guide us, and that He will, in turn, give us opportunities to make a difference in other people's lives. I pray that we will never take these opportunities for granted, and that He will give us wisdom, compassion, and courage to intervene in the lives of others.

For when I am weak, then I am strong!

I hope you all have a blessed week...I'm certain that I will!

Posted on February 23, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 31 is in the books... another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope that you all had an awesome week. My week went by in a flash, and I can't believe that it is already past the middle of February. I am not complaining at all, but it feels like January took forever, so I was expecting February to feel the same. Thankfully, once again, I was incorrect. We had a little snow this week, but it only stayed around for about a day, and now we are back to a muddy, gloomy West Virginia winter. It's not ideal, and I would not add this to your list of places to go when you retire; you are welcome, as I did all of this research on behalf of all of you! ;)

This week at the ranch was very good as well. We did A LOT of painting during the week, and we tiled all of the bathroom floors—there are 10 of them in the house, so it was quite the project. I did have an incident this week where I got a rather bad burn on my hand. I won't tell you how it happened, but it was a pretty manly situation for sure. Picture Rip working at the Yellowstone Ranch, and you'll get a pretty good visual of my situation. I'll give you three choices, and you can decide how it all went down: 1. I was working on the engine of a large bulldozer and didn't realize how hot the engine was, and it burned my hand. 2. I was replacing a saw blade that I had just finished using in the wood shop, and the heat from the blade burned my hand. 3. I was stirring a pot of chili that I was making; it bubbled up and burned my hand.

I have been reading a new book that I received this week; it's called *Mere Christianity* by C.S. Lewis. It's an amazing book, which is actually a compilation of three on-air broadcasts from the 1940s. There is an interesting story as to how I received this book. Matt, who is a "practicing atheist" (I am still not certain what that means other than an effort from him to let others know that he has thought this through and is not open to discussing alternatives, lol), received this book from his brother, who mentioned that I might like to read it. In case he is reading this week's blog, Mike, thanks for the book, and I will make sure that Matt reads it when I am finished with it! :)

As I said, this book is made up of three separate on-air broadcasts from the 1940s, which were called: *Broadcast Talks*, *Christian Behavior*, and *Beyond Personality*. If you haven't read this or listened to the broadcasts, I would highly recommend checking it out; it's a fascinating take on religion and how Christianity fits into this conversation. It was a timely read for me, as I was just writing last week about how I feel that some Christians are pushing people away with their polarizing views and their hypocritical behavior. Read that last part again; it's worth taking a minute to be sure that this doesn't include you, as it has me for so much of my life. I believe that this is the single biggest thing keeping people away from Christ. In case you missed it, I am suggesting that Christians are what is generally wrong with Christianity. It is interesting to note that as we become more polarizing as a society, I believe that the wiser you become, the less you would want to call anything good or bad, or right and wrong, and the more clearly you would see that almost everything is good in a way and bad in another. Reading through this book has caused me to stop and think about the Church as we know it and why it has become so divided over time when, in the end, we believe many of the same things. If you were to take all religions that believe in one God and that Jesus is the Son of God and plot them out according to their beliefs, I think they would all be one standard deviation from the middle, meaning we are all much closer to each other than we act or than certain powers would have us believe. Perhaps there is a reason for this—divide and conquer, perhaps. I don't know, but it's worth exploring.

I have been researching the biblical standards for being a Christian as rules that all churches should follow, and I was surprised that the Bible has many fewer rules than I had come to believe. According to the Bible, there are only six "essentials" that all churches should take a firm position on, and they are as follows:

1. Infallibility (Inerrancy) of the Bible - We should believe the Bible as a whole and not take certain parts from it that only support how we feel about certain topics.
2. Trinitarian Godhead - The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are the same in different forms.
3. Substitutionary Atonement - Christ died on the cross for us.
4. Salvation by Grace - Grace is the only path to eternal life, not our works.
5. Bodily Resurrection of Christ - Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead.
6. Future Physical Return of Christ - Jesus went to heaven and will only return when He comes back to earth to take us with Him.

The net result of this is that we should never compromise on these topics for unity, and we should also never sacrifice unity for "non-essentials." I think this is so simple, yet it seems to be quite difficult for us to understand. As an outsider looking in, it must look incredibly discombobulated in terms of what our rules are and who or what we choose to argue over within our Church. All God is asking us to do is to follow this six very simple and incredibly specific set of criteria; everything else has been created by man. We have not been called to create new rules that, in the end, only alienate those who are not like us. We have been called to point people to Christ through our actions—that's it, nothing less, and nothing more. Yet, as a Church, we spend an inordinate amount of time "discussing" in the best case and "arguing" in the likely case on topics like homosexuality, divorce, politics, same-sex marriage, adultery, and every sin that we think is worse than the sin that we are committing. All this accomplishes is the destruction of our unity, and in the end, there will be countless people who will never learn about Jesus due to our inability to stay in our lane and teach people about the grace, love, and restoration that can only be found through a personal relationship with Jesus.

I have this cool idea for a book, a blog, or perhaps both, where I travel around the country and attend different churches. After the service, I will introduce myself to several people in the church, including leaders of the church, and I'll say to them, "I am Joshua, I am twice divorced" (said with the same voice as Matt Foley, of course), "I have lived my entire life as a sinner, and I just got out of prison," then I'll just be quiet and see where it goes from there. I think it would be fascinating to see how many different types of responses I get to this introduction. I feel like it would be my opportunity to be a "secret shopper" for Jesus, as we will all have the opportunity to learn more about how someone from the outside who doesn't know Jesus would feel if he/she were to walk into this house of God and try to learn about our Savior.

God has called us to share His message, which was one of forgiveness of our sins. It was really quite simple, which I believe is why so many people followed Him. I believe that it is our job to simply point people to Jesus, not to tell them how we believe they should be living their lives. As Christians, our goal should be to lead people in such a way that propels them to a deeper relationship with Jesus than they could have had without having us in their lives. In so many cases, we are compelled to put ourselves and what we believe above the simple message that Jesus has taught us. I think that if people look at us and see a good man or a good woman, then we have failed. But if they look at us and see Jesus, then we have done our job. Real Christians understand their identity only in relation to Jesus. I thought that I had accomplished this when I was in high school, as when I played basketball and missed one of my many free throws, my coach used to say, "Jesus Christ..." I am not certain that what he was saying is that he saw Jesus in me; perhaps he had a different meaning altogether.

All of this requires a level of humility that very few of us possess, as the world view has taught us that our opinions are as important, and in some cases even more important, than what Jesus taught us by how He lived His life. In the Bible, we learn this about humility:

- "Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will exalt you." - James 4:10
- "Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips." - Proverbs 27:2
- "God opposes the proud, but He gives grace to the humble." - James 4:6

I had a cool vision this week about what it will be like when I get to heaven. I picture me standing in front of a giant screen, like at a sports stadium; I will be standing there alone, then Jesus will walk up and stand next to me. There will be this voice, which I believe is the voice of God, who will say that He is putting all of my sins on this screen for us to see. The sins on the screen just keep coming and coming, like an endless list. When it is finally finished, Jesus will give me a look and raise His eyebrows as if to say, "Wow, that's a lot of sinning, my man," and then He will walk up to the screen and enter His username and password, at which point the screen will go blank. He will give me a wink and then return to His place next to me. Then the screen will start to populate again; this time, it will be a list of all of the people who are either in heaven or will be in heaven as a result of them seeing Jesus in me. Also on this screen will be all of the people who are in heaven or will be in heaven as a result of the force multiplier that will exist from all of these people showing others what Jesus looks like. I love this so much, but I do need to work a bit more on that second screen and a bit less on that first screen! :)

The highlight of my week was once again a wonderful couple of days in visitation. It had been five weeks since I had any visitors, which was the longest stretch since I have been here in Morgantown. I could really tell that it was time for me to see and feel the love of my people. Being able to spend two days eating junk food, talking, laughing, and just being with someone whom I love so much was such a wonderful gift. I am so grateful for this time, which filled my soul with what I needed to get me through this final stretch. I am beyond excited for what God has planned for me next and can't wait to be back home.

It also filled my heart this week to see my friend Nate in visitation with his children. His ex-wife and her boyfriend drove six hours with their two young children so that they could spend time with him. I am so happy for him and respect he and his ex-wife so much for putting their children and their needs before their own need to avoid what must have been a slightly awkward weekend. Now, as well as in the future, their children will reap the benefits of knowing that their parents loved them so much that they were willing to make this sacrifice. It always warms my heart to see guys with their kids in visitation, as it is a great opportunity for them to stay connected while they are away and is also a very healthy way for their children to see that their dad is okay and that he is not in a scary place.

Also this week, I received a lovely email from my grandma. She is so amazing and such a strong woman; I am so proud of her and so impressed by her resilience and wisdom. She was sharing a story with me about a time when I was a kid and I shared Jesus with my great-grandpa (her father). It was such a great memory, and I feel very blessed to have her around to be able to share these memories with. I know that she is more than ready to leave her "skin suit" behind and join my grandpa in heaven, but even at her age, she recognizes how God can still use her in such a remarkable way.

I hope that you all have a blessed week... I'm certain that I will.

Posted on February 16, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 30 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a good week. It is now February—Amen to that! January seemed like it took 80 days. Not sure about you, but here it felt like the longest month of all time. It's great to see months come and go, but this one is extra special as it's my next-to-last month here in Morgantown. The weather was pretty basic this week; we had lots of rain and it was cold, but not as cold as it had been for most of January. Each day that brings us closer to spring feels like such a blessing to me as my time here comes to a close and I get closer to home one day at a time.

This week was very busy at the ranch. We are working hard on the new house, which is currently in the painting and flooring stage. We received all of the wood flooring this week and spent a day unpacking it, which is A LOT of wood in a 10,000 sq. ft. home. We are now ready to paint the trim and start laying the floors next week—that will be a lot of fun. Matt's birthday was Friday, and we had a special celebration for him, which was such a blessing. I am grateful that I won’t be away from home for a birthday, but if you have to be away, then the ranch is where you want to be. I made a special breakfast for him on Friday, and we had Papa John's for lunch while we celebrated Matt. What a blessing he is to all of us, and I hope that his day felt a little better being spent at the ranch. Working at the ranch is such a blessing to me during this time. I enjoy most of the work that we do, and even the things I don't enjoy are things that I do to glorify God, as He has His fingerprint all over this place.

This week marks my 30th week in prison. It's really crazy; in a way, it feels like time has gone very fast—like no time at all—and in another way, it feels like forever. When I think about it at a high level, it feels fast, but when I stop to reflect on all the things and feelings that I have experienced, it feels like a lifetime of thoughts and emotions all crammed into 30 weeks. I have gone through many stages since I've been here; many of you have been on this journey with me through my weekly posts, and some of you were physically here with me and have already gone home. In both cases, I am forever grateful that, even though I have felt lonely many times over the past 30 weeks, I have never been alone. I have said this many times, and I hope that none of you are tired of hearing it because I will be saying this for the rest of my life: I am so grateful for my time here—my time to heal, my time to learn, my time to grow in wisdom, and my time to be restored by God and His perfect grace.

As I reflect on my time here, I spend a lot of time thinking about the lifetime of events that led me to this place. I think a lot about the trauma I've experienced, both as a child and as an adult. I think about the people I have surrounded myself with along the way, and I think about the choices I have made—about myself and about others around me. It is impossible for me to think about where I am today without processing all of the temptation that has surrounded me and how being undisciplined and unfocused in my relationship with God played such a massive role in my fall. As I learn about Satan and how he uses temptation in an effort to use us for his glory, I am overwhelmed by how well he knew me and how far he was willing to go to convince me that I was a man of the world and not a man of God. The good news for me and for those of you who face temptation from Satan is that he only goes aggressively after those of us whom he considers a risk to his plans—those of us who he knows are a pivotal part of God's plan for building His kingdom. I think that if you feel you are not challenged with temptation, you are either not paying attention or you have built such a close relationship with God that Satan doesn’t see the cracks through which he can get in. It's very important for us to know which one we are; the lives of so many people we know and love are depending on it.

I like to use the analogy of keeping weeds out of your lawn to describe how we should strive to have a relationship with God. If you want to keep the weeds out of your lawn, the best way to do that is not to kill the weeds as they arrive or to spray your lawn with weed killer in an effort to stop them from growing. The most effective way to protect your lawn from weeds is to have grass that is so thick, so healthy, and so strong that weeds simply cannot grow in that space. Likewise, I believe that if we strive to have a strong relationship with God—if we seek His face and aim to know Him, if we work to understand and live our lives according to His plan—then there will be no room for Satan to enter and tempt us with his plans for our lives. In my case, I simply left way too many bald spots in my lawn; all of those were filled with weeds, and before I knew it, I had a lawn that would get me removed from just about any HOA. Some of us think that we are strong enough, smart enough, or clever enough to manage our lives in a way that allows us to let sin in but still manage it without letting it get out of control. We think that we can flirt with other women but not have an affair, that we can worship money but not let it become an idol, that we can skip church, not read our Bible, and even not pray to God and still have a relationship with Him. All of these are Satan's way of letting us think we are okay when we are really anything but okay.

What happens when we allow room for sin is that sin, just like the weeds in our lawns, will take over and run our lives. In the Bible, we learn about Elijah, who was sent to destroy the sin in King Ahab's life; her name was Jezebel. This is an interesting story but also something that is very real in many of our lives. Ahab had allowed himself to be allured, even fall in love with this woman who, in the end, would do everything in her power to destroy him. She was sent by Satan. Ahab knew that she worshiped another god, but he thought that he was strong enough to manage the situation. Jezebel worshiped a false god named Baal (pronounced bail, like a bale of hay). She even asked Ahab to build her a temple so that she and other followers could use it to worship their god, and he did. In this story, the false god that attempted to destroy Ahab was named Baal, but in our lives, the false god could be our money, our house, our vacation home, our car, our bank account, our pride, or even our career.

I firmly believe that anything that prevents us from living God's plan for our lives represents another god. Now, I know this is pretty unpopular, and you may even think that you can have a beautiful home, a well-funded retirement account, or a demanding job and still be living God's plan for your life; I totally agree. This is really between us and God. For me personally, I am not certain that I can have all of these things and still fulfill my purpose. As I shared last week, I have been addicted to these things for most of my adult life, and just like anyone who is in recovery, it is not helpful to allow yourself to be in an environment that is not conducive to your growth. For me, to have some of these things could mean that I would want or need all of these things, and that is not what God has called me to be. I believe that we are called to ask God to show us if we are living His plan for our lives. Then we need to ask ourselves what is stopping us from fulfilling this plan. Whatever that thing is will be what is keeping us from doing our part to build the kingdom for the one true God; that thing will most certainly be what we are putting before God in our lives. If you can close your eyes to pray and honestly say that you are using all of the gifts that God has given you in a way that glorifies Him, then you are living up to your full potential. If not, then you are like me, and it may be time to reevaluate how you are using these gifts that we did not earn but were given to us for a specific purpose. In the end, how we use these gifts will define how meaningful our lives have been, and they are the things that make our lives count.

In 1 Kings 18:18,21, the Bible says, "You have abandoned the Lord's commands and have followed Baals. Then Elijah went before the people and said, 'How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal is God, then follow him.'" I love this scripture because, to me, it highlights what I believe is everything that is wrong with Christianity. There are so many Christians who will be quick to tell everyone how to live their lives, quick to judge others for falling short, while at the same time worshiping their own gods, not the one true God. From the outside looking in, people who are not Christians will see people telling them how to live their lives and judging them for their sins while spending all of their gifts on things that do not glorify God. "How long will you waver between two opinions?" How long will we talk the talk before we finally decide to walk the walk?

The highlight of my week was my mom, Mel, and MaNell all going to spend the day with Jackson on Saturday. I am very thankful that his mom is supportive of this and that he is able to spend time with my family. My heart was very full knowing that three of my favorite people were spending time with Jackson. The greatest way to show that you love me is to take the time and energy to show love to my guy. I am so thankful for them, and I am incredibly grateful that soon I’ll be able to be back home and with him as well. I thank God for covering him with His armor while I have been away, and I am so thankful that his mom has taken such great care of him in my absence. Soon I will be home, and I pray that I will have the opportunity to make up for this lost time.

I hope you all have a blessed week...I'm certain that I will.

Posted on February 9, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 29 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

I hope you all have had a wonderful week. We experienced a bit of a heat wave here in Morgantown this week, with temperatures in or near the 40s every day, coupled with lots of sunshine. All of the snow is gone, and what’s left is very sloppy but somewhat resembles spring. I am very happy that the long month of January is behind me, and now we move into the shortest month of the year, which also happens to be my next-to-last month here.

On Wednesday night, I, along with most of the guys in my unit, watched *The Flipping El Moussas*. It's a new show featuring Tarek and Christina, who used to be married but are now married to other people (Tarek is now married to Heather from *Selling Sunset*, in case you weren't up to speed). They are competing against each other to see who can do the best flip on a house. It was definitely not something I thought I’d be doing in prison—sitting in a room with 50 other guys watching HGTV and all yelling at the TV when we disagree with one of their decorating decisions. What an interesting trip life can be!

With all of the warm weather and sunshine at the ranch, we have seen some changes in the wildlife. We have a Barn Goose (if you haven't seen one before, they are white and gray and much prettier than a Canadian Goose), and he has four girlfriends. Mike and I named him Ryan—Ryan Goosling. However, with all of the cold weather, Ryan's girlfriends had left for a few weeks. We assume they flew south to escape the low temperatures and perhaps to visit some friends. Ryan, being the man that he is, stayed at the ranch to protect his ponds and hold down the fort while they were gone, and he seemed very sad to be all alone in the cold West Virginia winter. This week, Ryan saw the return of two of his girlfriends. They all looked so happy to be back together... cheers to you, Ryan Goosling; it's good to see you happy again.

Over the past several months, I have been reading, writing, and praying about my journey as a father thus far. I have been comparing my strengths as a father with what God considers strengths according to the Bible. It has been an eye-opening journey filled with emotional and "ah-ha" moments as I try to reconcile my performance against how God must view me as a father. This has been a difficult process for me, as I have never given anything less than 100% to being a father and have worked very hard to do the things that I thought were important and appropriate measures to being a great dad. Like most things in my life until now, I have used the world's view as a measure of success instead of God's view.

As I embarked on this journey, I started by reading many passages in the Bible and other books on this topic in an effort to better understand what the expectations are according to our Father and to try to compare my performance against all of the things I have been taught by the world and other influential people in my life. This was so impactful for me that I wanted to take the time to share with all of you what I have learned and to let you see where I have fallen short and what I intend to do about it going forward. I pray it is part of God's plan for me to show Jackson how a great father is supposed to act and to spend time with him making up for all of this lost time.

Here are the behaviors/qualities that I believe we should model as qualifications for being a great dad according to our Father:

- Humility
- Grace
- Spending quality and uninterrupted time together
- Putting God first as a priority above everything else; God as my first love
- Low ego drive
- High ego strength
- Not prideful
- Strength
- Treating all people with kindness
- Giving all that I have to God in an effort to build His kingdom
- Putting God's will before my own
- Obedience
- Being a servant to God in all ways

Here are the behaviors/qualities that I have prioritized teaching Jackson up until now:

- Provider
- Protector
- Strong work ethic
- Sacrificing everything for my family (even if it requires sacrificing my own character)
- Allowing other people to dictate my compass instead of using God's word for direction
- Strength (at times)
- Experiencing the world and all it has to offer
- Money and things as the top priority as the measure of success
- Reputation first (pride)
- Being judgmental of others and not showing grace unless it’s convenient for me

I would encourage everyone to go through this exercise—not as a form of torture, but as a real, honest look at how our priorities stack up against those God has clearly laid out for us. I don't think I would get an F on this test, but I believe it is a pass/fail, and I needed to retake the class. Before I can understand the type of dad I need to be, I must understand the type of man I need to be, as these seem to go hand in hand.

When looking at men in the Bible, it is easier to relate to David than to other men like Joseph or Joshua, who seemed to do no wrong. David did plenty of things wrong, but he showed us that through God's grace, even an adulterous murderer could be restored to be used by God. David was a shepherd, a warrior, a poet, a musician, a king, and a father. He was also an adulterer, a murderer, a coward, and a liar. However, in the book of Acts, David is referred to as a man after God's own heart. This shows that there is hope for all of us. As men of God, we are to approach unfamiliar settings with confidence because we understand that God has been training us all our lives. God can and will use our past experiences, even those we had before we chose Him as our Lord, to prepare us for whatever is next.

Some men like to talk a good game and pretend they want to be used by God, but when the opportunity arises, they are either nowhere to be seen or do the bare minimum just to say they served. They do enough to check the box, and that is all. This is the man who talks about helping others but never volunteers his time. This is the man who loves praying for missionaries at his church but is too afraid to tell his coworker about Jesus. This is the man who claims it is important to attend church but is at the lake every weekend in the summer. There are two types of people in this world: talkers and doers. I have lived my life as a talker. I have lived my entire life as a Christian man who considered himself a man of God, a good father, and a good friend. In reality, I have been none of these things. I was unable to be any of these things because I had an addiction. I was addicted to the feeling that I thought money could buy—not the things that money could buy; they were never that important to me—but the feeling of being good enough that came with each purchase, each trip, each level of extravagance. That’s what I was addicted to. Like all types of addiction, there will be people in your life who will feed your addiction if you choose to surround yourself with them.

It is my goal to be a different man; my goal is to be like David, who, when faced with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, picks up his stones and is always ready for action.

The reality of my shortcomings as a man comes down to one thing: I have never chosen to put on the full armor of God to protect me from becoming a man of the world instead of a man of God. As a father, my actions would teach Jackson how to become a man of the world, not a man of God. I am not saying that Jackson took my lead; in many ways, he is a better man of God than I am and has taught me so many things. The reality is that I have missed countless opportunities to lead by the example of our Father and show him what strength, honor, grace, humility, love, and obedience are supposed to look like.

In Ephesians 6, we learn about the armor of God and what it will provide for us if we simply put it on. It tells us to "put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

As a father, I have relied on my own strength, my own will, my work ethic, and my desire to show Jackson all of the things I thought were valuable in this world. I chose my own tools instead of simply using His armor. The belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation are all I will ever need. I believe God has already shown me His grace, but I pray every day that He will show me His mercy by allowing me a chance to be a better dad and to show Jackson what greatness looks like in God's eyes. Ephesians 2:4-5, 10: "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions; it is by grace that we have been saved. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

The devil laughs when we sin, but he rejoices when we render ourselves useless to God. When we stay defeated by our sin, sin wins. God is the God of restoration and love. Sin does not win. Defeat is not the end. Sin has been defeated, and God wins. Jesus has victory over sin, and for us to live defeated is to live outside of Jesus. Jesus—and only Jesus—allows us to have victory over sin, not just in death, but in life as well. As a man and as a dad, it is my responsibility to accept God's grace and to teach Jackson what this looks like. It is my responsibility to be strong and to act like a man who will fight for my prestigious role as a father. I will be there to celebrate his successes and to teach him through his failures.

I received a message this past week from a friend who I love and respect very much: "You have no idea how many times I have said how much I admire the dad that you are. It is one of the qualities I admire most about you. I hope in my heart that Jackson chooses to know this version of you, to spend time with you, to live all of the experiences that you guys need to share together, because truly, you have no idea how many other kids would love to have you as their dad." It meant a tremendous amount to me for someone I respect so much to take the time to share this with me, especially as I know I have fallen short of God's plan for me as a father. But I also know that if given an opportunity to make it right, I will be the dad that Jackson needs me to be.

I hope you all have a blessed week... I'm certain that I will.

Posted on February 2, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 28 is in the books... another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a great week. My week started off very cold and continued that way through mid-week; then it began to get warmer on Thursday and Friday, which was a great turn of events. Things here are pretty much status quo at the moment. A lot of discussion continues around the closing of this prison and the other standalone prison camps across the country, but no real news—just a lot of pontificating about what everyone thinks will happen over the coming weeks and months. I still feel very calm about things, and as my departure date draws near, I am even more comfortable thinking that I will finish my time here and not be asked to move to another location to serve out my time. We will see what God has in store, and I trust that He knows what is best for me and all of us here.

This week at the ranch was busy as always. It was Mike's last week at the ranch, as he is leaving for the halfway house this coming Tuesday. We had a going-away party for him on Friday, where everyone from the ranch attended, and we talked about Mike and what a blessing he has been to their mission. This also gave him a chance to let everyone know how much he appreciated them and how meaningful his time has been over the past seven months while working at the ranch. I have been so blessed to be able to work with Mike over the past almost five months since I have been at the ranch. He has taught me so much regarding the specific projects we have been working on, and I have gained so much knowledge about the commercial contracting business as a whole. Learning how to work with my hands and build things has been such a blessing to me and will be very valuable as I go forward. On a personal note, I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know Mike and am so grateful that God has included him on my journey. I hope that he is back home quickly, and I look forward to being able to continue our relationship for many years to come.

A couple of weeks ago, both of my sisters sent me messages about a sermon that they had heard at church. The person who was speaking that particular Sunday had also served time in prison and was discussing his transformation and God's grace. MaNell sent me some of the details of his message, and I have been doing a lot of research and reading into the message he shared, as it means a lot to me and aligns very much with the miracle that I have seen God perform in my life—a miracle of restoration!

My testimony is one of restoration through my faith and God's grace. When I was praying for God to restore me and to use me to glorify Him, I had no idea how He would restore me and how He would choose to use me to glorify Him. My sister mentioned to me that "the way God has absolutely restored you and carried you has been such a miracle for me to witness." I love that she shared this with me, as I too have been blessed to see what God can do in the lives of those of us who have strayed away from Him and have worshiped other idols instead of our Lord. 

When I asked for God to restore me, I had no idea what He had in store for me, but I did have faith that He would restore me and would use me to tell my story to others. The process has been more painful than I could have ever imagined, but having the faith and discipline to trust Him has forever changed my life. As we learn in 2 Kings 5:10, God has a process, and we must show that we will have faith and follow His instructions before He will allow us to be restored. In this verse, He instructed Naaman to "Go wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored, and you will be cleansed." Eventually, Naaman did exactly what he was asked, and after the seventh time, "his flesh was restored." For me, it wasn't the Jordan River; it was a very painful divorce, the loss of many people who I thought loved me, and eventually prison. For me, it wasn't leprosy; it was a heart that was heavy with a lifetime of sinning and falling short of the glory of God. 

I asked God to restore me and to use me, and then I just trusted Him that He would have His way with me and perform a miracle in my life. I asked God for a miracle; He then called me into obedience, and I gave my life to Him. He needed to take from me everything that I cherished, including my freedom, to teach me that all I ever need can and will be provided by Him. It wasn't until I stopped trying to hang on to bits and pieces of my life that He really showed me His love and His plan for my life.

There were three truths presented in the message that my sisters shared with me.

Faith Accelerates Miracles: Trusting God and stepping out in faith brings us closer to His promises. This is much easier said than done, especially when you are someone who thinks they have what it takes to make their own way. From the outside looking in, I was someone who had it all together. I had the family, the job, the title, the toys, the looks (okay, maybe not the looks), and all of the experiences that would make it appear as if I had everything I needed. I was living my dream, but on the inside, I was miserable, sad, scared, and I had little to no faith that God would have any interest in restoring someone like me. In Zechariah 9:11-12, God tells us that because of His blood covenant with us, we are to "return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I will announce that I will restore twice as much to you." There is no power in hope, but there is limitless power in faith, and I had plenty of hope but no faith. I hoped that I could find a way to be happy in the life that I had created. I had hope that I would someday feel loved by those I chose to surround myself with. I had hope that the life I had dreamed of would someday feel fulfilling, and those around me would recognize all that I had done. The whole time, what I was missing was faith—faith that God had a plan for me and that His plan was perfect; faith that God created me in His image for a specific purpose; faith that God's grace was enough to cover me and restore me to who I was born to be, before the trauma, before the loss, before the pain, and before I decided that the only way to be happy was to create it for myself.

Pride Blocks Miracles: Holding on to our ego or our own plans can and will ultimately prevent us from receiving God's blessings. There is that word again; it seems to keep coming up—PRIDE. Everyone knows that pride leads to nothing but pain for us and all of those around us, but Satan loves to use our pride for his glory. For me, it was an easy way to cover my insecurities; for as long as I had enough pride, other people would never be able to see how I really felt or who I really was. I could use my pride to block people out, put up walls, and make excuses for my behavior. I think if you asked most people who have known me over the past 30 years, they would say that I was never short on pride, so it worked. My abundance of pride would cover up my lack of ego strength and fool people into thinking that I had it all together. The issue is that my pride would also serve as a way to block any effort that God was making to have a real impact in my life. My pride would not allow me to let down my guard and let God show me who He wanted me to be. There are only a small number of people who could see me for who I really was, and to a great extent, they are all still in my life (or back in my life, thank God) and have always loved me for who I am, not who I thought I was or wanted others to think I was. Satan went so far as to use me for his glory that he literally built a life for me filled with people and things that would serve his purpose, which was to convince me that I had it all figured out and didn't need any intervention from God. Lots of people benefited from this plan, but very few benefited from the plan that God had made for me even before I was born. He was waiting to perform a miracle, and eventually, His patience ran out; He stopped waiting for me to come around on my own and showed me how much He loves me by taking nearly everything away from me so that He could unblock me from my own pride. I believe this is summed up perfectly in Job 33:25-30:

"Let their flesh be renewed like a child's;  
let them be restored as in the days of their youth.  
Then that person can pray to God and find favor with Him;  
they will see God's face and shout for joy; He will restore them to full well-being.  
And they will go to others and say, 'I have sinned,  
I have perverted what is right,  
but I did not get what I deserved.  
God has delivered me from going down to the pit,  
and I shall live to enjoy the light of life.'  
God does all of these things to a person twice, even three times, to turn them back from the pit,  
that the light may shine on and through them."

Obedience Unlocks Miracles: Following God's instructions, even when they seem unusual, will release His power. In the above verse, we saw that Naaman was asked to dip himself in the river seven times to cure his illness, and we know that in our lives, God will ask us to do seemingly strange things to unlock His miracle in us. 

One of the things I am working on while I am here in prison is trying to understand why most of us have to go through something extreme to fully release our will and allow God to restore us to who He intended us to be. Whether it's the loss of someone we love, a health problem that nearly kills us, losing our family, or even going to prison, for some reason, we seem to have this inability to fully embrace God's will without facing these extreme circumstances. Now, there are certainly some people who think they have it all figured out without having to go through one of these challenging times, and I hope they are right, but I would suggest that it is in our nature, beginning with the Garden of Eden, to choose sin over God's will for our lives. 

Very few people have lived their full life and lived God's plan for their life, saying they were able to figure it all out without some type of extreme intervention. I think the question we must ask ourselves is simple: who will we see in heaven as a result of how we have used the gifts that God has given us? The quiz question isn't: how happy do we feel, how great has our life been, how many places have we traveled, or how "successful" have we been? What I would love to figure out is how we can live God's plan and keep our lives in perspective without facing these challenges. I think that if we could all be more comfortable sharing how we truly feel without worrying about the judgment of others, then we could start to unlock the code to God's miracles without the pain that comes along with doing things the hard way.

For anyone who may be suffering or wondering if there is any hope for them to be fully restored by God, I would suggest that you do what I did: fully surrender—not kind of surrender, but fully surrender your life to God and allow Him to show you the path He has created for you. Your story was written before you were born, and like me, most of you have drifted off course in one way or another (if you think you haven't, then I would suggest that you ask God to show you His plan for you and see if it aligns with where you are today). But it is never too late to ask for and receive complete restoration. 

This poem by Billy Chapata sums it up nicely:

"There is more to your story.  
You may have to put the book down for a brief moment,  
or you may be stuck on a chapter that is hard to digest.  
You may have paper cuts from flipping past pages too fast,  
or you may not even know how to begin,  
but there is still much more to your story."

I hope that you all have a blessed week... I'm certain that I will.

Posted on January 26, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 27 is in the books... another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope that you all had a wonderful week. Things here have been pretty much status quo this week, with lots of things happening at the ranch and me trying to stay as busy as I can here at the camp in order to keep time moving as quickly as possible. We had a couple of warmer days early in the week, but not enough to melt the snow before it got really cold again mid-week. It seems like January is moving very quickly, and it will be February before I know it. What a blessing it is to see the days tick away on the calendar; I'll be home before I know it.

This week I celebrated my six-month anniversary here in Morgantown. Well, "celebrated" is a strong word, but it has been six months since I came to prison. In some ways, the past six months have been wonderful, and in some ways, they have been very challenging. But in all ways, I have grown in my faith, have healed emotionally, and have been able to take back control of my physical health. I am so grateful for the time I have spent here and for all of those who have supported me in person or in prayer while I have been on this journey. I miss Jackson and my family so much, but I do feel that I will be leaving here in two months a different person than I was when I arrived: an improved version of myself, and a person who is ready and willing to fulfill God's plan for my life.

This week I fasted for four days, which for me leads to a level of mental clarity that I am unable to accomplish under normal circumstances. My mind just works differently when I am fasting. I have been working on the content of this week's blog for a few weeks but have been unable to clearly articulate what has been in my head. Through fasting and prayer, God made it very clear to me what He wanted me to share. Now, who's ready to get a little uncomfortable? ;)

Last year, when I was being sentenced in June, I asked several family members, colleagues, and friends to write character letters to the judge on my behalf. One of my aunts wrote in her letter about how "my greed" had caused me to commit my crime. I took exception to this, as I have never considered myself or been accused of being a greedy person. In fact, I am and have always been a very giving person, sometimes to my own detriment. I have always helped people out financially, given people things when they needed them; heck, I have even raised a few kids that weren't mine. Well, flash forward to now, and I have been studying what the Bible says about greed and being a greedy person. Turns out, other than the standard definition of greed (keeping everything for myself and not giving things to others), I tick every single box. Ouch!! According to Emanuel Lewis, the definition of greed is: inordinate or all-consuming; reprehensible acquisitiveness.

As I have been studying the biblical definition of greed, I have learned so much about myself and how greed shaped the person who I was. Greed, at its core, is the belief that there are things that are more important than having a relationship with God, or put in another more direct way, greed is idolatry. The Bible says that everything you own is either a tool or an idol. I think that this means that if you aren't using what you have as a "tool" to glorify God and to lead others to Him, then it is an idol. This kind of blew me out of my seat at first. How many idols have I had? Way too many to count. Cars, boats, money, houses, financial statements, second houses, clothes, shoes, watches—I mean, the list keeps going. I have accumulated so many things without even the slightest intention of using them to glorify God. I mean, how could I use a boat to glorify God? How could I use money that is sitting and collecting interest to glorify God? For me, the answer is easy... I can't.

In the Bible, God says that greed is not only idolatry but that it is "spiritual poison." He also says that "greed creates conflict," and it "is the enemy of gratitude towards Christ." In Luke 12:15, Jesus tells us everything we need to know about greed: "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions." Then He shares this parable with us: "The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundance of harvest. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do: I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain.' And I'll say to myself, 'You have plenty of grain laid up for many years; take life easy; eat, drink, and be merry.' But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' This is how it will be with whoever stores things up for themselves but is not rich towards God." I think this message from Jesus is very straightforward and is very convicting to me when I read it. I think that "storing grain" and passing it along to the next generation (in some cases, generations) is our way of attempting to accomplish immortality. Imagine how "immortal" we could be if instead of storing our "grain," we used our "grain" to build God's kingdom, therefore leading many people to Christ. The fruits of my labor could be used to lead many people to Christ... now that is immortality.

In Ecclesiastes 2, it says, "I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I owned more herds and flocks in Jerusalem than anyone before me. I amassed silver and gold for myself and the treasure of kings and provinces. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all of my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was as meaningless as chasing after the wind." I have known many people who have wealth beyond anything that I will ever have myself; in fact, I called them my friends. I used to desire to be one of these people. For me, the first step to becoming one of these people was to be accepted by these people. To be considered one of them was a badge of honor for me and was literally what got me out of bed in the morning. It was my pride, my greed, and my insecurity that drove me to work so hard, drive myself to exhaustion, and in the end, commit the crime that would lead me to prison. I wanted to be them so badly that I was willing to do whatever it took to be accepted by them. Whether it is a desire to be accepted or a desire to be comfortable that drives us, if we are not putting God's kingdom first, the story ends the same way. 1 Timothy 6:9-10 says, "Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."

Whether it is money, or the false sense of security that we think money can buy, it is all our way of saying that God cannot or will not provide for us, and we need to take care of ourselves. In Matthew 6:31-32, the Bible tells us, "Do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all of these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

I believe that in the end, when we are standing next to Jesus and in front of God, He will only have one question for us. This question will not be, how much money did you make, how many Porsches did you own, how many boards did you sit on, how many vacations did you take, how many Michelin Star restaurants did you eat at, how many hours did you work per week, how much land did you own, or how did you spend your retirement? His only question will be, how many people came to know Me because of how you used the gifts that I gave you (please read that last part again, especially if you are like me and have been delusional enough to believe that our financial success is because of how hard we work or how smart we are, because we are only financially successful as a result of God trusting us to steward His resources appropriately). It will be okay that we don't know the answer to this question because He will.

The good news for me is that because of His grace, I am covered for living a lifetime of greed until now. I can read the above and not feel guilty or sad. The Bible tells me, and Jesus showed me how I am supposed to live my life. For me, it took a lot of pain, a lot of loss, and some time in prison to see God's miracle in my life. For others, it doesn't take quite so much, but in the end, all that matters is that we do make the change and choose to seek Him and obey Him. Because of His grace, if we choose to live our lives to serve other idols instead of Him, we will still go to heaven; there will just be a lot of people who aren't there with us because they were never able to experience God's glory and God's grace through us.

I hope that you all have a blessed week... I'm certain that I will.

P.S. If you got the Emanuel Lewis joke, then we can definitely be friends. :)

Posted on January 19, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 26 is in the books...yet another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a great week, and to those of you who also got some snow, I hope you managed to stay safe while dealing with this mess. We had a lot of snow on Sunday night and Monday here in WV. We were unable to go to the ranch on Monday due to the storm, and all of the community service team (there are 7 of us in total: 2 working for the town of Morgantown, 2 working for the National Park Service, and the 3 of us at the Ranch) were called in to help shovel snow here at the compound on Monday. We worked for 12 hours straight and shoveled a TON of snow. It was nice to be outside, work hard, and keep busy on a day when we couldn't make it to our jobs. The Warden here was very appreciative of the extra hands and made sure that we had extra food, such as soup and a few snacks throughout the day. It felt great to serve here and help keep everyone safe.

At the ranch this week, we continued to work on the house and stayed very busy in the woodshop as well. We had about twice the amount of snow up there compared to what we had here at the compound, so we had a lot of snow removal going on when we worked on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. We were also unable to work on Thursday due to the federal holiday for Jimmy Carter's funeral. The furniture that Mike and I are building is almost finished. He leaves in 2 weeks, so we are trying to have it all wrapped up before he goes, and I think we will complete it just in time.

One of the things that I have learned while being in prison is that there is a concept called "Crimetime" or "College for Criminals." This refers to the fact that an overwhelming majority of people who come to prison do not wish to be rehabilitated and will use this experience to learn from others how they can develop their craft and avoid getting caught in the future. This is compounded by the fact that the prison system is simply horrendous when it comes to rehabilitating people. It's simply not set up this way, from start to finish. It isn't that the people who work in the system are bad or necessarily ill-intentioned; it's that the system is built to either keep people in prison or ensure their return. There are many opinions as to why this happens, including racism, but I think that the most likely reason is that next to the industrial defense complex (don't get me started on this one), the prison system is the largest legal government-funded welfare system in the United States. For instance, the BOP has more than 70,000 employees and an annual budget of more than $7 billion, with a "B." If real rehabilitation were to happen and recidivism rates were to truly decline, a large majority of these people would need to find different jobs, and that would be a problem. The pipeline of inmates needs to stay robust, and the beds need to stay full in order for the machine to run properly.

Again, I don't think the men and women who work in "the system" are to blame; I think Congress and those who personally gain from the system are the real issue. Being in prison has given me an inside, under-the-hood view of this, and I can say without any doubt that there is little to no rehabilitation happening here. There are guys everywhere who are committing crimes while in prison. For instance, in Morgantown alone, the amount of things that leave the kitchen and are sold on the compound would blow your mind. The volume of goods that are bought and sold every day here continues to surprise me. I believe that the only answer to this is to change the culture of our system to include a culture wherein recidivism is the bar by which the BOP is measured, and those who run these organizations are compensated to drive these rates down over time. At the moment, this isn't a measure at the highest levels in the BOP, and that causes quite a drain on society and families (there is a YouTube video of the head of the BOP in front of Congress last year when John Kennedy asked her about recidivism rates, and she literally didn't have any idea what they were or how they were trending; this is bananas). I think that having more adults go to prison and learn to overcome whatever challenges brought them there, coupled with education that will allow these men and women to be productive upon release, can solve the problem that has certainly become generational in nature. There is a tremendous need to offer as a service an opportunity to help people coming to prison think about how to use this experience as "alive time" rather than "crimetime" and to assist them as they process back into society. I believe that this need can only be filled effectively in the private sector. I also think that massive changes need to take place in the public sector, and this will only be driven effectively by all of us.

This week, I received confirmation of the next steps in my journey. I will be leaving here on March 25 and heading to a halfway house in Chicago for a week to do orientation and be processed before heading to MaNell and Steve's house in Yorktown, where I will stay until I am officially out of custody on May 24. This is different from the information I was given a few weeks ago, but it feels like such a blessing to know exactly what the process is and to plan accordingly. I had been told that I would be leaving here on February 24 and heading to Indianapolis, but I guess God has plans for me here and in Chicago before I head to Yorktown. If you remember, Morgantown wasn't on my list of places I wanted to be sent, but He had other plans. I continue to pray that God will use me to glorify Him, and I ask that all of you pray for me in the same light. He hasn't let me down thus far, and I know He will continue to deliver.

This week, I heard from my friend Justin, whom I have written about here many times. He received news at the halfway house on Thursday that he was getting a weekend pass to go home with his family. He was able to leave on Friday at 8 PM and return on Sunday at 8 PM. It made my week to picture him spending the weekend with his family after so many months away. He is an amazing husband and father, and for him to be home where he belongs really made my heart smile. He is being released from custody this coming Tuesday and will finally be able to return home full-time. It's been a journey for him, but I am so proud of how he has handled it, and I am honored to call him my friend. It will be amazing when we are able to spend time together this summer and reminisce about our time here in Morgantown and how this experience has positively changed both of our lives.

The highlight of my week was once again a visit from my mom and dad over the weekend. I had not seen them since late November, so it was very nice to see them, talk with them, and just spend time together. I continue to be blessed by visits from my family and friends during my time here. It is always heartwarming to see the guys from here who get to see their children on the weekends in the visitation room. This experience is not easy for any of us, and I believe it is even more difficult for those who are at home, especially our children. I think that visiting your dad here would be a very scary experience, so it always makes my heart smile to see these kids as they understand that this isn't a scary place and that even though their dad is away for a while, he is still their dad. Watching their fear or discomfort melt away as they spend time together is a beautiful thing that I didn't expect, but I have come to appreciate very much.

I hope that you all have a blessed week...I'm certain that I will.

Posted on January 12, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 25 is in the books…another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a great weekend and a perfect New Year’s Eve, whether that means you went out to party in the new year, stayed at home, or something in between. For me, NYE was pretty low-key as I watched some football, did some reading, listened to the Christian Top Love Songs of 2024 countdown, and just spent time with my new friends. One interesting thing that happened here on NYE was that loads of people were "cooking" food to ring in the new year. One of the things that people here do to show you how much they appreciate you is to give you a small cup of whatever they are making so that you can enjoy their cuisine. While I have no idea what most of the food I ate was, I do know that I am very grateful that God has blessed me with the stomach of a billy goat because even though I couldn't allow myself to stop and think about what I was eating and how it was prepared, I didn't get sick at all…praise God!

This week at the ranch was very peaceful and productive. Most of the team was off this week for the holiday, which made for a quiet week, but we were able to get a lot accomplished at the new house and in the woodshop. Chair production continues, although we have begun assembly, so it won’t be long now before we are wrapped up with this project and moving on to something new—perhaps more focus on the house after the next couple of weeks. I continue to be blessed by my time at the ranch; the property is so peaceful and full of beauty, but the people who work at the ranch are really what make it so special for me. I am very thankful that God had the ranch in mind for me as I spent time here in Morgantown over the past six months.

This week, I started reading through the 16 chapters of the book of Mark in 16 days. I always pray that God will speak to me and show me something new and something geared directly at me while I am reading His word. Well, I made it all the way to Mark 2 when something new jumped off the page at me. I was reading a passage that references a story I have read/heard maybe a hundred times, but this time it just hit me differently. Mark 2:3-5: "Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat that he was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.'"

How have I missed it for all these years when it was right in front of me? The point of this isn't that Jesus was hiding in a house because he was so popular that he couldn't go out in public due to all the paparazzi and others wanting to be healed by Him. The point isn't even that Jesus healed the man. The point is that this man had people in his life who loved him so much that they were willing to MAKE AN OPENING IN THE ROOF AND LOWER HIM TO JESUS. After I recovered from the fact that for 48 years I have missed the point of these verses, I just sat there thinking about how important it is that we all have people in our lives who love us so much that they would be willing to go to all that trouble just to save us. I was thinking: would I even be here in prison today if I had prioritized surrounding myself with people who loved me and who loved Jesus instead of people who worshiped money, power, pride, stuff, and many other things that in no way glorify Jesus? I am so lucky to have these people in my life today. Most of them were there the whole time, but I gravitated toward something different—worshiping other idols that were not God.

Then my mind shifted, and I began to think about myself: am I this person to anyone in my life? Would I sacrifice this much in order to help save someone else? Perhaps the metaphor of being paralyzed doesn't apply, but what about people who don't know Jesus? Would I be willing to go that far out of my way, go to all that trouble, the physical effort, and the mental effort just to introduce someone to Jesus? What about people who know Jesus and are saved by His grace but are not living a life serving Him in a way that glorifies Him? For me, the answer is easy: no, I have not, and yes, I will. I am so thankful that Mark took the time to share this with me and that Jesus used these verses to speak to me, to get my attention, and to remind me how important it is to surround ourselves with people who love us like this and to be this person in others' lives.

As I look back on 2024, it has been such a blessing for me in so many ways. This was a year when God showed me how much He loves me and how much confidence He has in me (please read that twice because if you only take one thing from all of my blog posts, I want that line to be the thing). After a season of pruning, I started to feel myself grow and began to see new blooms that I had not experienced before. I had the gift of so much love pouring over me from so many people and was able to love and be loved in ways that I had never imagined. I have learned to be alone and to be capable of being alone with my own thoughts. This is something that I was never able to do before; it would literally kill me to be alone without the distraction of other people. God has protected all of my people while I have been in prison. This was one of my greatest fears in coming here, and even though there have been a few moments of anxiety, I have been blessed with knowing that while I am away, God's armor has covered Jackson and everyone else that I love.

As I was lying in my bed on NYE thinking about all the blessings of 2024, I was listening to the Christian Top love Songs of 2024 countdown and was really touched by the top three songs of 2024. It is as if God chose them for me. They were:

#3 - Made for Me - Josh Baldwin  https://youtu.be/Ov9Ls4npIrc?si=9JNFrTsS7QrM4ouU

#2 - Faithfully - Tobymac  https://youtu.be/i5ts5uFsVis?si=A68mZzCfpRgQAOZi

#1 - Praise - Elevation Worship  https://youtu.be/f2oxGYpuLkw?si=lQYV3te3K219YyY2

I became emotional as I was listening to the lyrics and thinking about how closely each of these songs touches my heart so specifically. I wanted to share with you the specific lyrics from each song that spoke to me in such a special way.

Made for me:

I know who I am because I know who You are

The cross of salvation was only the start

Now I am chosen, free and forgiven

I have a future and it's worth the living

Because I wasn't made to be tending a grave, I was called by name

Born and raised back to life again, I was made for more

So why would I make a bed in my shame

When a fountain of grace is running my way

I know I am yours, and I was made for more

I think this is a beautiful song about God's grace.  I also think that God invites us to come to Him often to explore how we are living our lives.  Are we truly living the life that He has planned for us?  Are we touching people, are we showing people what it looks like to live a life for Christ?  I don't think that we need to end up in prison (real or figurative) to be asking these types of questions when we talk to God.  God tells us in Isiah 43: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you  ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you.  You are my witness, and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe in me".  

There are two parts in last two lines of this passage that really hit me hard. When He says "because I love you" I immediately think about the parent/child relationship we have with God.  He loves us not because of what we do, he loves us because of who we are and because of who He is.  Also when He says "my servant" I feel very small.  It really puts in to perspective how He views us and how we are supposed to view ourselves.  Jesus came to earth as a servant and He was here to show us how to live. Am I acting as a servant to Him and to those around me or do I let me pride and my ego get in the way of fulfilling His plans for my life.

Faithfully:

Its been a hard year, it almost took me down

But when my world broke it to pieces

You were there faithfully

When I cried out to you, Jesus

You made a way for me

I may never be the same man

But i am a man that still believes

When I cried out to you, Jesus

You were there faithfully

I've had a hard time

Finding the blue in the skies above me

And if I'm keeping it real

I've been half faking the happy they see

In my darkest hour, you met me 

So quietly, so gently

You said you'd never leave

And you stood by your word

So quietly, so gently

In all my pain, you met me

You said you'd never leave

And you stood by your word

Listening to this song always brings tears to my eyes.  I am definitely not worthy of someone who loves me this faithfully.  What a beautifully written song. I can actually feel the emotions of Tobymac when he sings these lyrics.  There really isn't much I can add to this song in terms of my perspective, he says it beautifully and I think we all know what he means and I hope we can all relate to what it feels like to be loved by God, faithfully.

Praise:

I'll praise when I'm sure

Praise when I'm doubting

Ill praise when outnumbered

Praise when surrounded

Cause praise is the water my enemies drown in

As long as I'm breathing

I've got a reason to

Praise the Lord

Ill praise when I feel it

And Ill praise when I don't

Ill praise cause I know

You're still in control 

Because my praise is a weapon

Its more than a sound

Oh, my praise is the shout 

That brings Jericho down

Ill praise cause you are sovereign

Praise cause you reign

Praise cause you rose and defeated the grave

Ill praise cause you are faithful Praise cause you are true 

Praise cause there is nobody greater than you.

I have heard this song many times, and it is always such a great one to sing and to worship Jesus. This song comes from Psalm 150, where David writes: “Praise God in His sanctuary; praise Him in His mighty heavens. Praise Him for His acts of power; praise Him for His surpassing greatness. Praise Him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise Him with the harp and lyre, praise Him with the tremble and dancing, praise Him with the strings and pipe, praise Him with the clash of cymbals, praise Him with the resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.”

I love the lyrics to this one: “My praise is a weapon; it’s more than a sound.” “I’ll praise when I’m sure; I’ll praise when I’m doubting.” “Praise because there is nobody greater than You.” If you don’t know this song, please do yourself a favor and listen to it now. It’s a very catchy tune, and like always, the people at Elevation absolutely bring it. While I’m at it, if you don’t know of Elevation Church near Charlotte, NC, their pastor, Steven Furtick, is insanely good. I used to listen to him every week and have learned so much from reading his books and listening to his heart. He is one of my favorites, and I highly recommend checking him out. Those of you who know me well are probably rolling your eyes right now because I am always telling people about him, but this is my blog. If you don’t want to hear about my really good friend Steven, then get your own blog. ;)

The highlight of my week is that it is now January 5th. Since I was sentenced on June 14, I had been dreading being away for the holidays. I am very happy that they are now in my rearview mirror and that 2025 has started in full swing. The days and weeks until I am completely out of custody on May 24 will fly by now, and that makes my heart smile. This experience has been amazing and life-changing in so many ways, but I am now ready to start living the rest of my life.

I hope that you all have a blessed week... I'm certain that I will.

Posted on January 5, 2025

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 24 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

I hope that you all had an amazing week and a very Merry Christmas. I pray that your Christmas was filled with loads of laughter, delicious food, and, most importantly, everyone you love. Christmas here was pretty much how you would imagine it. It was low-key, with a mixture of "Merry Christmas" and grunts from the guys as I walked around the campus this week. As I said last week, there are some guys here, like me, who are trying to figure out how to navigate a holiday in prison, and some guys who have become professionals at working through these challenges. In the end, I am grateful that this week is over and hopeful that I was able to make this week a bit better for those around me.

Usually, I start writing my blog each week on Wednesday or Thursday, but this week is different. It is 11 PM on Christmas Eve, and I felt compelled to go to the computer and do some writing. I have been thinking all day about how grateful I am to be where I am in my life right now, but I am also overwhelmed with sadness at some of the things that I am missing this year. One thought that continues to go through my mind is how, every Christmas Eve for most of Jackson's life, he would go to bed earlier, and we (his mom and I) would follow after we sat out all of the Santa gifts and the stockings. Before I would go to sleep, I would tuck him in and stand over him for a few seconds, thinking about how blessed I am to be his dad. I would then clear his hair from his face and kiss him on the head with my eyes closed so I could smell his hair a little better. What I wouldn't give to be able to tuck him in tonight, thank God for him, kiss his head, and smell my boy. I know that there will be many more Christmases in the future, but the pain I feel tonight is very real and is a feeling that I will never forget. This may seem sad, but considering that last year on Christmas Eve, I slept in his closet at my condo so that I could be with his clothes to feel near him, I'd say that I am making significant progress.

As I lay in bed this Christmas Eve, the dorm is very quiet except for one of my friends who lives in the corner near me. His name is Harvey, and he has been in prison for 27 of the last 29 years. He is listening to Christmas carols as he sings along while sitting at his desk making cheesecakes out of ingredients you would never find in a traditional cheesecake recipe. After making them, he will chill them on ice in small garbage cans. As I lay here tonight, it is impossible to avoid feeling that, although Harvey and I have had very different lives to this point, here we are the same. My takeaway is that this is true of all of us. We may not live in the same neighborhood, attend the same schools, drive the same cars, or eat the same cuts of meat, but in the end, we are all children of God, and He sees us as exactly the same. It would serve us all to view each other in this light; what a wonderful place the world could be if we were able to accomplish this small thing.

As I was reading and thinking about Jesus' birthday, it came to me that we spend a lot of time talking about Mary and Jesus in this season, and rightfully so, but I think that the unsung hero in the Christmas story is Joseph. An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit" - Matthew 1:20. Matthew describes Jesus' earthly father as a craftsman, a small-town carpenter who lived in Nazareth, a small town on the edge of nowhere. He was an entrepreneur with a great reputation in the community. Was he the right choice? Didn't God have better options? An eloquent TV preacher from Dallas, or a scholar from Rome? Matthew calls Joseph "a just man." Matthew recognizes the status of Joseph. Everyone in Nazareth viewed him as we might an elder, deacon, or Sunday school teacher. Joseph was a guy who likely took pride in his standing, but Mary's announcement jeopardized all of this. She's what? She's pregnant? But we've never even...? He is a righteous man, and she was now blemished, even tainted. The law would have supported him having her stoned, but his love for her said that he should forgive her. Then comes the angel who tells him that his fiancée carries the Son of God in her womb. The what? Can you even imagine? His heart must have been racing as he set out to make his decision. Make up a lie and preserve his place in the community, or tell the truth and kiss his reputation goodbye. Matthew 1:24-25: "When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son, and he gave him the name Jesus." In a dream? I've had some crazy dreams that would take a team of therapists to interpret, but Joseph had so much more faith than I do. In the end, Joseph swapped a Bible study leadership position for a pregnant fiancée and an illegitimate son and made the biggest decision of his life. He placed God's plan ahead of his own.

How about that dude Joseph? He was willing to sacrifice everything that was important to him: his pride, his ego, and, most importantly, his reputation, all for the glory of God. Let me tell you about another guy; I'd like to keep his identity anonymous, so let's just call him Jashua. Jashua, like Joseph, was a Christian. He knew some Bible verses, he prayed, he went to church most of the time, he told many people he would pray for them (but rarely remembered to do it), he had a Bible verse on a wooden sign in his house, and he even listened to Christian rock. But he, unlike Joseph, was only willing to give God what was left of him—his scraps. What was left of his money, what was left of his time, what was left of his energy, what was left of his bandwidth in every possible way. I—err, I mean this anonymous guy, Jashua—was not willing to give everything to God, just his scraps. Much like their contribution to a bacon-and-egg breakfast, Jashua was the chicken and was a willing participant, but God calls us to be like the pig or Joseph, fully committed. I want to be like Joseph and give God the best of me, all of me, and let everyone else have what is left of me. That's how I want to live my life; that's how God wants me to live my life.

This week, I was very touched to receive several notes from people who read my blog last week and were able to connect with the sadness that I was feeling last year. It is always great to hear from people about how my blog is working in their lives, but in this case, it was extra special that so many of you felt comfortable sharing your stories with me. I am honored that my voice is being heard and that some of you can relate to my story. For me, this blog is very therapeutic to write, and it’s an opportunity for me to share my heart with all of you in the hope that you will better understand my journey and, in some cases, be able to connect your own journey to mine. I am grateful that God has chosen to use me in this capacity for now, and I pray that He continues to use me to help shine a bright light on what can happen when we seek Him, accept His grace, and desire to glorify Him through our highs and lows.

Weekend visitation was once again the highlight of my week. When I first came to prison, I wasn't sure that I even wanted visitors, as I thought the best way for me to do my time would be to keep my head down and just get through this season. We don't have walls or fences here, but if we did, they would not be high enough to keep my people away from coming to see me. I am so blessed to have people in my life who love me enough to take time out of their lives to make the trip to Morgantown to visit me. Whether it’s a 6-hour drive or multiple flights and a day of travel on both ends, they are all willing to make me a priority, and I am forever grateful for that. Being with my people for a couple of days is emotionally healing to me and serves as a fantastic energy source as I continue on this journey. This weekend was no exception. Being with someone whom I love very much—laughing, crying, talking about our future, eating junk food (the table was spilling over with sandwiches, candy, chips, and pop when I arrived), and sharing energy—was simply the best medicine after a long holiday season away from everyone that I love. God has blessed me with some great new friends here, but there is nothing quite like spending time in the presence of those I love.

I hope you all have a blessed week...I'm certain that I will.

Posted on December 29, 2024

by Joshua Gregg

Week 23 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

Another very fast week here for me, which continues to be such a blessing. I am so grateful that I can stay busy during the day by working at the ranch. The evenings are a bit slower, but with reading, writing, meditating, pickleball, basketball, and yoga, they seem to pass pretty quickly as well. Last weekend was very slow due to the lack of college football, but this weekend was much better with the playoffs in full swing.

This week at the ranch was excellent and full of hard yet rewarding work. Matt started his first week at the ranch, and I am so grateful that I was able to help get him assigned to join Mike and me as we serve such an inspiring place. He did an amazing job settling in and got off to a quick start as he worked on the new house pretty much all week. Mike and I are spending the majority of our days in the woodshop as we build new rocking chairs and work on a few other small projects for the ranch. On Wednesday, we worked outside in the cold and rainy conditions doing road repair. The elements were brutal, but again, the work was rewarding, and I consider it such a gift to be able to contribute to such an amazing organization.

Everyone here seems to be ready for Christmas week, at least as much as we can be. The atmosphere is a little weird, as you have lots of people who are "celebrating" their first Christmas away from their families and some who have been doing this for many years. You can definitely tell the difference between the first-timers and those who have grown accustomed to being "down" for the holidays. I am beyond grateful that I only have to celebrate one Christmas in prison. I will, of course, make the best of this experience and will tuck this away in my box, which is overflowing with perspective, but I am very sad to be missing even one Christmas away from Jackson and the rest of my family.

Lots of people have asked me how I feel about being away as Christmas draws near. The answer is a little complicated, as I am quite sad and a little lonely, but in comparison to last year, this isn't so bad. Last Christmas was by far the worst Christmas that I have ever had. To be honest, last November, December, and January, I literally thought that I might die from sadness. This sounds a bit dramatic, but I know that if you have ever felt this way, then you know exactly what I mean. If you have ever felt that kind of sadness, you'll agree that it is overwhelming to feel so sad that just the weight of your sadness might crush you. I don't mean this in a suicidal way; what I mean is that there is a point where you can be so filled with grief and so overwhelmed with a lack of hope that you think your heart is physically broken. I pray that none of you know this feeling, but I am fairly certain that some of you are well aware of this type of pain. The good news is that with a lot of prayer and tons of support from my family, I was able to make it through this difficult time. I prayed constantly for God to give me strength, courage, and, most of all, hope. Not having hope is one of the most difficult things to explain until you have been in a situation where you felt hopeless. I have been reading a book called *Microjoys*, which discusses the idea that even when things are tough and you feel overwhelmed with sadness, it is important to find moments of joy in everyday life. The word "micro" does not refer to the size of joy, but rather how accessible the joy is to us. I would highly recommend this book as a stocking stuffer for anyone you love. I think this excerpt from the book is beautiful and does an amazing job of describing how important it is to find joy, even on a micro level.

"Though it is sometimes necessary to lean into sadness, grief, and even anger when experiencing hard things, we still deserve moments of reprieve. When we are grounded in darkness, we are entitled to a sliver of light. For our own resilience, hope, and well-being, we must learn how to let light in. Microjoys are not about picture-perfect circumstances; instead, they remind us how wild, imperfect, and precious life is by teaching us deep wisdom and profound beauty within the awareness of every moment (I love this sentence so much; I have read it like 20 times and love it more each time). Our responsibility is to be conscious enough to notice them. Life is filled with paradoxes, and darkness and light often converge. With patience and bravery, we must stay awake and present for all of it: the seductive goodness and the hardships, too. Bear witness to what is, because each moment has the capacity to transform and propel us forward in ways that might otherwise never occur unless we are present enough to notice them.

I believe that God used an unlikely source to bring me to my knees and show me that the only way to a full life is through Him. What was meant for evil became the greatest blessing of my life. Satan believed he could break me, but in the end, all that was broken was a string of poor choices and a lifetime of thinking that all the answers I needed could be found in me. It seems silly now, but when I look back, I can clearly see the patterns that developed in me through my own experiences and how these patterns were eventually leveraged by others for their gain. I allowed it and was even a willing participant in what would eventually come close to killing me. In the end, this experience only made me stronger—not because of my own strength, but because I learned that I had no strength except through Jesus.

I have written many times in this blog about how blessed I am to have learned who my people are through all the difficulties of the past couple of years. What I don't often say is that with the blessing of knowing who your people are comes the realization of knowing who your people aren't. There are so many people who I really believed loved me and valued me as a person, a friend, or even family, and in the end, for whatever reason, were unable to take this journey with me. Perhaps my circle was too large to begin with, or perhaps they were happy to believe the false narrative they had been told. All that really matters in the end is that, for me, this became a painful realization that not everyone was able or willing to remain true to me during my difficult journey. The beauty is that I am here today with a full heart and a very high level of certainty that God is building something in me that is equipped to help others who are struggling or who find themselves in need of a place where they can go—a place void of judgment, a place filled with love, and a place overflowing with hope for what can happen when you allow God to reroute you back to His plan for your life.

As I reflect on my life leading up to where I am today, it is filled with mixed emotions. So many wonderful moments, so many painful moments, and so many near misses. My near-miss moments are mostly about the good decisions that I almost didn't make. Some of the good decisions were luck, and some were made during moments of clarity when listening to God and honoring His will. The bad decisions, well, they were always when I thought I knew better and used my gifts, skills, or personal experiences to decide what was best for me instead of listening to God, who was always there to direct me if I chose to listen. In this way, I feel like Peter. There are so many times I was convinced I knew what I was doing, so I ignored the signs or disregarded His instruction. God was always talking to me and directing me, but I was often too stubborn to pay attention. My experience is that God does not speak to us in audible ways; rather, He fills our lives with indications, and all we have to do is turn our eyes to Him to understand the conversation. I read this recently and thought it summed it up for me: "God spoke to me today in flowers, and I, who was waiting on words, almost missed the conversation." I love this so much because, like me, it is simple yet so easily misunderstood. I do know one thing for certain: "grapes must be crushed to make wine, diamonds form under pressure, olives are pressed to release oil, and seeds grow in darkness. So whenever we feel crushed, under pressure, pressed, or in darkness, we are in a powerful place of transformation." Conversely, if we don't feel these things, then we are not growing and not transforming into something even more beautiful.

Peter was lucky; he had Jesus in front of him giving him instruction, yet he nearly missed the conversation because he was an expert fisherman who almost missed his chance to become a fisher of men. Like Peter, when I have questioned God's strength and His power because I thought I knew what was best, I have missed many opportunities to become a fisher of men. Over the past couple of years, I have learned that it is never a good idea to limit God in what He is capable of doing, because when we do this, we always limit His ability to show us the miracle that we are incapable of seeing on our own. Every time I have told God "no way," He has responded with "my way." It turns out that I, Joshua, who has been a bit of a control freak, very driven, and ultra-focused, had been my own limiting factor all this time. It wasn't until I had no choice but to walk out of the boat onto the raging sea and toward Jesus that I was able to blindly trust in His plan. God gave me so many wonderful gifts; I didn't earn them; He just gave them to me. Unfortunately, for my entire life, I have been using these gifts incorrectly at worst and inefficiently at best. I have been using them for my own personal gain and for the benefit of those around me, but all this time, I have missed the real reason why God has been so generous to me. The reality is that, like Peter, I am only safe if I am focusing on Jesus, because as soon as I take my eyes off Him, I too start to sink.

As long as Jesus is just one of many options, He is no option. As long as I think I can carry my burdens alone, I don't need a burden bearer. As long as my situation brought me no grief, I received no comfort. I learned that as long as I felt like I could take or leave Him, then I might as well leave Him, because He will not be taken halfheartedly. When I was mourning, when I was at the point of sorrow for my sins, when I admitted that I had no other option but to cast all my cares on Him, and when there was truly no other name I could call, He was waiting for me in the midst of my storm. The beauty is that the bond between me and Jesus was solidified as we walked together through the storm. Lamentations 3:25 tells us that "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to those who seek Him." Micah 7:7: "I will look to the Lord for help. I will wait for God to save me; my God will hear me." For some reason, I think we are so reluctant to do what the disciples did. I never took the time to wait because I was so naive, and to me, waiting meant inactivity. I could not have been more wrong; waiting means watching for Him. If you are waiting for an Uber, you are watching for the Uber. If you are waiting on God, you are watching for God, searching for God, hoping in God. Peter waited for God, he searched for God, and he found God. He would then fall and need to ask God for a second chance, and when he asked, God, of course, came to him and showed him the power of His grace. I have wondered what caused Peter to be willing to be crucified upside down; maybe now I know. It's not every day that you find someone who will give you a second chance, much less someone who will give you a second chance every day. But in Jesus, I have found both.

I am forever grateful to Jesus for calling me out onto the water with Him, for stretching me beyond anything I ever considered possible, and for filling my life with love and purpose. I am so thankful for the courage to let go of the things that seem safe and to follow Him into the teeth of the storm.

The highlight of my week has been spending time reminiscing over all the Christmas memories I have been fortunate enough to experience throughout my life. All the time I have spent with my family and friends—some who are still near and dear and some who are but a memory. I am also incredibly blessed to be able to spend time daydreaming about all the Christmases I have yet to experience, all the traditions that have yet to be built, and all the memories that will become part of what will certainly bring me joy. I pray that you all have a wonderful Christmas with all the people you love and hold dear.

I hope that you all have a blessed week ahead; I'm certain that I will.

Posted on December 22, 2024

by Joshua Gregg

Week 22 is in the books, another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you have all had a great week. I'm certain that your days and weeks are filled with the hustle and bustle that defines the holiday season. Here we are, all decorated for Christmas, and there is a spirit here, but oddly, things are really just business as usual. It’s strange because a part of me is obviously sad that I am missing out on my favorite time of year. All of the shopping, parties, lights, music, family get-togethers, my grandpa's world-famous egg nog (of which I am the only living person who knows the secret ingredient), being with friends, and many other Christmas traditions. But there is also a part of me that is really taking in this opportunity to be still and watch everything going on from the outside in. There is a peace about all of this, and it is hitting me much differently than I ever expected. Please don't get me wrong; I am not suggesting that I'd like for this to be my new norm, but like many other things, I think that I needed to be able to experience this holiday from this side of the "fence" (see what I did there? Even though we don't have a fence, I still made a super witty prison reference, showing that I am both clever and funny...also cute, but that's a different discussion). The sad reality is that I had been in such a rut, such a routine over the past, oh, I don't know, 25 years; that I needed to reset my expectations and my priorities. I can say with a great level of certainty that I will never again find myself going through the motions of taking these things for granted. This is yet another gift given to me by this experience, and I am very thankful for the opportunity.

As I start my final stretch here in Morgantown, I am looking at what I'd like to do over my last 10 weeks in prison before I move to the halfway house and home confinement portion of this process. There are so many habits that I have developed here, and all of them have made me happier, healthier, and much more content. These are things that I definitely don't want to lose as I go back into the real world. I am working on my plan for going home so that I can maintain these new physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual habits while I integrate back into the life that I miss so much. I think there is a trick to this, and for me, it starts with writing everything down so that I can have the discipline to follow my plan. Please include this in your prayers, as I am very hopeful but also a bit nervous about my ability to maintain this discipline once I am home. I would love to share these with all of you once I finish writing down my thoughts, both in an effort to share my journey and also for you to help hold me accountable going forward.

I was recently sent the following quote from Henry David Thoreau, and it really made me pause to think about life and how we are impacted by the decisions that we make. In the moment, these decisions feel simple or even obvious, but in the end, we can often see that the impact they have on us is much larger than we would have imagined. "The price of anything is the amount of life you are willing to exchange for it." When I think of the decisions that I have made and the actual price of said decisions, it really teaches me this valuable lesson about how I have exchanged my peace over and over again for things or people who either are not interested in or are incapable of contributing to my journey. I have had people tell me how supportive they are or recount everything they have done for me in an effort to convince me of their worth, but in the end, sometimes the price is just too high, or as I like to say, the juice isn't worth the squeeze.

I think that for me, the best way to avoid making some of the same mistakes again is to work on remaining still, remaining at peace, and staying a step ahead of my decisions instead of always running and playing from behind. The Bible mentions the words "still, stillness, silence, silent, rest, and resting" over 1,100 times. I think that God is trying to tell us something about how important our peace is to our ability to serve Him. In Psalm 62:1, David says, "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him alone comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken." This verse speaks to a deep spiritual rest that comes with trusting God. I have spent so much of my life running from many things, but the greatest of all these is myself—my own inner peace. I was never capable of finding this in the past, and the reasons for this are many, but it mostly relates to who I have chosen to surround myself with and the fact that we have shared this inability to be still and find peace.

As I have become a "student" (this sounds fancy, but what I mean is that I am studying and learning) of Stoic Philosophy, I have learned an immense amount about the value of reflection and peace. Seneca wrote that when darkness had fallen and everyone else had gone to sleep, he would examine his entire day and go back over what he had done and the things he had said, hiding nothing from himself and passing nothing by. For me, this is about meditating, praying, and journaling about my day—reflecting on the experiences that have shaped me and how I may have helped shape those around me. I believe that journaling is a way to ask tough questions such as: Where am I standing in my own way? What small step did I take toward a big thing today? Why am I so worked up about something? What blessing can I count right now? Why do I care so much about impressing people? In what way did I glorify God today through my actions? What hard choice am I avoiding? Did I rule my fears, or did they rule me? What did today’s difficulties reveal about my character? There are, of course, many more, but these are the ones that I am focusing on when I take the time to reflect at the end of each day. For me, this is helping me stay in the moment, not get too far ahead, and definitely not feel like I am constantly playing from behind.

For me, "escapism" has been a key way of avoiding having important discussions with myself. I spent much of my adult life wanting more, planning for more, talking about more, working for more, and doing whatever it took (even stealing money) to obtain more, when all I needed to do all along was learn to slow down and be happy with less. Sounds easy, I know, but trust me, it is not. Not everyone ends up in actual prison, but so many of us live our lives in a prison of sorts instead of finding the path to freedom through peace, silence, stillness, and resting our minds. It’s amazing to me that I have been able to find my peace while in actual prison, but the truth is that I have spent the majority of my life in prison—the prison of food, the prison of alcohol, the prison of drugs, the prison of lies, the prison of failed relationships, and the prison of running from God and His plan for my life.

You can't make something great while constantly moving around. You have to slow down and stay in the same place. Those of us who think we will find the solutions to all of our problems by traveling far from home are only kidding ourselves and extending the time we will spend in our own prison, because wherever you go, whatever you do, your sad self will come along with you. A plane ticket, a drink, or a pill is a treadmill, not a shortcut. What we all seek will come only if we sit and do the work, if we probe ourselves with self-awareness and patience. We need to be still enough to discover what's really going on. We need to allow the muddy water to settle. This simply cannot happen if we are jetting off from one place to another, if we are packing our schedules with every activity we can think of in order to avoid the possibility of having to spend even a moment alone with our thoughts. Mengzi once said that "nowhere we can travel is more peaceful, more free of chaos than our own soul." I am not suggesting that we should not travel to experience the world. I have been fortunate enough to see most of the world and experience its beauty, and it is an amazing place that I’d love for everyone to see, but most of my experiences have been in an effort to travel from something instead of to someplace.

For so many years, I would plan my next vacation while on vacation, pick out my next car while at the dealership buying this car, and design my next house instead of enjoying the one that I have. The next time I feel the urge to flee, to hit the road, or to bury myself in my work or another activity, I will catch myself. I will travel inside my heart and mind and allow my body to stay put. I pledge to stand in front of the mirror and get to know my front porch instead of running from my own mind; I'll choose to chase it. Instead of chasing the life that I think I want, I will build a life that I don't need to escape from. I have decided not to chase butterflies; rather, I will build a garden and allow the butterflies to come to me. If in this process I find myself with a heavy heart, I will take the advice given to me in Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." All of this running, and all I ever needed was here all along.

My highlight this week was receiving this verse from a very good friend. She has been so supportive of me on this journey and continues to teach me so much about strength, courage, hope, and love. I am grateful that she took the time to share this with me, as it really sums up so much about my journey: Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Everything has a purpose. Everything: your setbacks, your hopes, your successes, your joys, and your heartaches. Each person you meet, each challenge you face leaves behind a lesson. Every step you take is leading you toward God's plan for your life.

I hope that you all have a blessed week; I'm certain that I will.

Posted by Joshua Gregg

on December 15, 2024.

Week 21 is in the books...yet another week down in Morgantown.

I hope that you all had an awesome week and that everyone was able to recover from the long Thanksgiving weekend. It has been quite cold here all week, and we have had some snow almost every day. There is snow on the ground at the ranch, but here at the compound it's just cold with some flurries, and nothing has been sticking. The pond is frozen over here, and all of the ducks and geese are trying to find new ways to bathe themselves. The geese keep coming in to land on the pond, but then realize that it is frozen, so they have to abort at the last minute. It's pretty fun to watch, but I have definitely lost all confidence that these creatures actually have any brains at all. They pretty much just eat and poop, eat and poop, and then start the cycle again.

It was so great to be back at the ranch this week after a long weekend here at the compound. Mike and I spent the majority of the week working in the woodshop building rocking chairs. We are working on a project where we are building 16 wooden rocking chairs for the ranch. It’s been a very fun process filled with so much learning for me. Mike is an expert at this stuff, and I am like a sponge, trying to learn everything I can from him. We started the process with some old white oak that the ranch purchased from a mill. We are planing, cutting, joining, cutting again, routing, drilling, and sanding all of the wood for the chairs, and then we will assemble them. All of this is new to me, but as I have said before, I am gaining so much from learning to work with my hands in a whole new way. I am so grateful for this opportunity to learn something brand new from someone who has been doing this type of work for so many years (he is super old, so he has tons of experience ;)). The good news is that if all else fails, I can always use my new skill to get a job at Cracker Barrel! The ranch is in full Christmas mode with decorations, food, and loads of Christmas spirit. It is such a blessing to be spending my time there this holiday season, where I can feel the holiday spirit and spend time with so many wonderful human beings.

This week was an emotional one for me, as my good friend Justin left on Thursday to go to the halfway house. This is the first step in our journey home; it can be kind of scary, but it's part of the process. I am very thankful that he is on his way back to his wonderful wife and four amazing boys. I never imagined that I would be blessed to make such good friends while I am here, but Justin and I will certainly be friends for life (even after I found one of his banana peels in my garbage can on Saturday). I was able to speak with Justin this weekend; he sounded great and appears to be settling in quite well. I am forever grateful that God decided to put Justin and me here together at the same time. I often make the comparison that us being here is like being in the military and going to war, in that our bond is very strong as a result of having traveled this road together. We spent so much time laughing together, crying together, and helping each other work through all of the highs and lows of this experience. Justin is one of the best men that I have ever known. He is a man of God, a wonderful father, and a devoted husband—all the qualities that I look for in a friend. My time here has been better because of him, and I can't wait to have a bourbon with him by the fire and reminisce about all of our experiences here in Morgantown. I am excited to meet his family, whom I have heard so much about, and I am looking forward to seeing where God takes us on this journey that He has planned.

On Thursday, we received the news (which was also in the national media) that over the next 2-6 months, the DOJ is closing six of the seven standalone prison camps in the U.S., and FPC Morgantown is on that list. As you can imagine, this came as quite a surprise to all of us here, including the more than 150 staff members that work at the prison. I pray that everyone who is impacted by this decision has peace and is able to move forward with a positive mind and faith that whatever happens is all part of God's plan. This will likely have little or no negative impact on me, but there are several other friends of mine who will have to move further from their families, and I ask that everyone includes them in their prayers as all of the details come together.

I know that most of my fellow inmates are feeling anxious about the unknown, but I feel extra empathetic towards the staff here at FPC Morgantown. I can imagine that for them, this is especially scary, as they will either have to relocate or add significant time to their commute as a result of this decision. They will also be forced to work in a much different and more dangerous environment. This will have an impact on them and their families, and I pray that they will remain calm and draw closer to God during this time of uncertainty. I pray that they will look at this as an opportunity and will be able to look back on this as a blessing that is part of a larger plan for their lives.

Whenever things happen that are out of my control, I always try to find ways to put things into perspective. This week, I was thinking about a quote from Epictetus as I reflected on the news of the prison closing and the associated fallout: "Anything that can be prevented, taken away, or coerced is not a person's own—but those things that can't be blocked are their own." Famous rancher Daniel O'Brien once said that he doesn't "own" his several-thousand-acre buffalo ranch in South Dakota; he just lives there while the bank lets him make mortgage payments on it. It's obviously a joke about the economic realities of ranching, but it also hints at the idea that "things" don't belong to one individual, that they will far outlast us and our descendants. Marcus Aurelius used to say that "we don't own anything, and that even our lives are held in trust." We may fight and claw and work to own things, but those things can be taken away in a second. The same goes for other things we like to think are "ours," but are equally precarious: our status, our health, or even our relationships. How can these really be ours if something other than us, such as fate, bad luck, or even death, can dispossess us of them without notice? To me, it is such a gift to have perspective on what is important and how we need to continuously work to prioritize where we spend our time and other resources. In the end, where I work, how much money I have, and how others view me are meaningless. The people I am able to touch, and my understanding and fulfillment of God's purpose for my life, are the only things for which I will be judged in the end. I am so blessed to have been given so many gifts over the past couple of years, but being given the gift of this perspective is the greatest of all.

The highlight of my week was a weekend visit from my sister MaNell and my niece Emme. I am so grateful to them for taking the time to visit me and spend the weekend in Morgantown. We talked, laughed, ate lots of vending machine food, and even though MaNell has zero chance of getting through the metal detector with all of those quarters, it was a huge success. MaNell and Emme both have such a calming effect on me, and I am thankful for the timing of their visit, as I had a bit of a difficult week. I look forward to being back in Yorktown with them this spring, and I am certain that together we will continue to make special memories.

I hope that you all have a blessed week; I'm certain that I will.

Posted on December 8, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 20 is in the books—another week down in Morgantown!

I hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving celebration with their friends and family. The weather here is quite cold and has been raining/snowing pretty much all weekend. This made for some great reading time for me and all the guys here at the compound. Between reading, the Yellowstone marathon, and football, we were able to make the most of our time together. My friends and I also spent some time discussing what we are thankful for regarding our time here in prison. My heart felt full as we shared some really cool moments of gratitude in a place where most are inclined to only talk about the things that anger or upset them. What a gift to spend my time here with such wonderful men.

This past week at the ranch was really quiet compared to most weeks. We mostly worked on the house and a few other maintenance projects around the ranch. On Monday and Tuesday, we had warmer and dry weather, so we were able to work outside on trim projects and make more progress on the front porch. We were blessed to be able to work Monday-Wednesday since the other community services guys were off for the entire week. Being here over the long weekend made for a very slow four days, but my parents came to visit me on Saturday and Sunday, and I am very grateful for the time I was able to spend with them.

As I meditated and prayed over the past few days, I thought about all the things I am thankful for as a result of the past couple of years. I am, of course, incredibly thankful for all of God's gifts, including my family, my friends, and, of course, Jackson. However, I wanted to take my quiet time a couple of steps further and focus on other gifts I have received in this season of my life, and I wanted to share them with you. I hope that some of you can relate to this list, and I pray that everyone has found or will find some quiet time to reflect on their blessings.

Through my daily journaling, I have realized that I have been given so many gifts, and one of the greatest of these is wisdom. Here are a few bits of wisdom that have come to light throughout my process:

· Realizing that I already have everything I need. Everything I require has been given to me by God. His plan is the definition of perfection. As long as I have my family and God by my side, there is nothing out of my reach, and no barrier too large to stop me from fulfilling God's perfect plan.

· Telling my ego to lower its voice and sit in the corner while I ask my wounds important questions.

· Understanding the power of being loved by someone who is willing and capable of truly seeing me. Sometimes it takes someone who can see us exactly as we are and is willing to love what they see in order for us to see and accept ourselves.

· Learning how powerful it is to understand that a person's behavior has much more to do with their own internal struggle than it does with me.

· Having the wisdom to stop renting out space in my heart and my mind to people who can't love me, regardless of how my energy makes them feel.

· It's always better to surround ourselves with people who do things from love, not for love. For me, this one is simple yet profound.

· No longer having to pretend to be okay. I have spent so much of my life lying to myself and others in an effort to make it seem like everything is okay when sometimes, everything is not okay. It's only when you are honest with yourself and those around you that you can fully understand what love looks like.

· Unconditional love is not “signing up for” anything other than growing together and loving each other.

· The highest kind of self-sabotage is continuously searching for people when you still haven't found yourself.

· Just as easily as I can outgrow other people, they can outgrow me. No two paths are the same, no two journeys are identical, and we are allowed to become who we are without attaching bitterness or sadness to our evolution.

· My friendships that no longer exist have birthed the friendship I should have had with myself all along. Sometimes we need people to move out of our paths so that we can see ourselves again.

· If something doesn't give me peace, it will give me growth.

· Some people can only handle older versions of me. Some will turn away from who I am currently because they do not know what growth looks like. I am in no way required to reprise an older role I once assumed to make others comfortable.

· The strength and courage I have are insignificant compared to the strength and courage I have access to through my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

· I have been given the gift of realizing that stillness is the key to opening the door to happiness. The key to stillness is being at peace with myself. Stillness is a concept found at the core of almost all religions throughout history. The Buddhist term for it is *upekkha*. Muslims call it *aslama*. Hebrews speak of *hishtavut*. Greeks would have referred to it as *euthymia* or *hesychia*. The Epicureans called it *ataraxia*. And we Christians refer to it as *aequanimitas*. All these translations speak about possessing internal stillness or being steady even as the world spins around us.

All these gifts have been life-changing for me, but I think the greatest gift I have received from God in this season is the solitude to heal. I have fought many battles behind curtains that no one is aware of. I have encountered internal wars that I needed to fight alone because only I could grasp the extent of my pain. I had to spend one-on-one time with my wounds to ascend. God has given me this opportunity that I never even knew to ask for, and He did it as a gift to me and all those who are being and will be touched by Him through me.

This weekend, I had a moment when someone here said something to me that made my ego want to take over. I didn't say or do anything at the time, but I could really feel myself wanting to respond to defend my ego's fragility. In a way, I am happy that I was able to recognize this feeling and not say anything that would undermine my process. However, at the same time, I had a lot of feelings that made me take a step back and think through my journey. There will always be people who say or do things that could provoke my ego to feel damaged, and it's my job to slow things down enough to stay in the moment and take control of my pride before it takes control of me.

The highlight of my week was definitely another visit from my mom and dad. It was amazing that they were willing to take the time and energy to come see me over the holiday weekend. Being with them made me feel great, and our discussions were both easy and refreshing. I have been blessed during my time here to be visited by many very special people. When you are in a place like this, you have the time and space to think about all the sacrifices that others make for you. No one who has come to visit me had Morgantown on their list of places to visit, but they all love me enough to sacrifice their time and resources to carve out space for me. This is something I will never forget, and it's one of the many gifts that God has given me in this space.

I hope you all have a blessed week ahead—I'm certain that I will.

Posted on December 1, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 19 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

Hello everyone, I’m glad that another week has come and gone. With each passing week, I am getting closer to the door, which is truly a blessing. I am making the best of my time here, but I am also very anxious to leave and see what God has in store for me in the next season of my life. Speaking of seasons, this week we experienced all four seasons in one week. It was 72 degrees on Tuesday, and we had several inches of snow at the ranch on Thursday and Friday. I love the snow when I’m skiing, but at this time of year, I really long for the winters in Southern California.

I was blessed with another week at the ranch. This week, we did a bit of everything—from making more frames to working on the house, general ranch maintenance, and capping the week off with an amazing Thanksgiving feast on Friday. I am so grateful to have been able to help prepare and serve a delicious meal to some incredible people. We had fried turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, corn, rolls, and two types of pie. There were 15 of us in total, and everyone had a wonderful time. After we ate, we all sat around and talked about what we are thankful for. In a year when I will not be with any of my family for the holiday, it felt amazing to spend time with such incredible people, enjoy a meal, and have heartfelt conversations as a "family." I thank God for giving me the gift of being able to serve Him in such an inspired way while I am in prison. I never imagined having this opportunity and feel fortunate that, once again, His plan is much better than any plan I could have come up with on my own.

Each week when I finish writing my blog, I feel kind of energized and exhausted at the same time. I feel energized by having the opportunity to share with all of you what I am doing, how I am feeling, and what has been put on my heart that week. But sometimes I feel exhausted, as many of the topics I discuss are quite heavy for me, and although it is very therapeutic, it can be emotionally draining. This week has been no exception. As I was praying early in the week, asking God what He wanted me to write about, it became very obvious that I needed to pray about, think about, meditate on, and begin to pour my heart into a topic I have been avoiding for quite some time. As we approach Thanksgiving, I am reminded of how lucky I have been to love and to pour my heart and energy into people who were incredibly important to me at a moment in time.

When I think about the parts of my heart that are broken, it is impossible to avoid mentioning Mack, Madi, and Braydon. For those of you who are unaware, these are my ex-wife Jenn's children, whom I helped raise, and in Madi's case, adopted while Jenn and I were married. I have absolutely zero regrets about the time and energy I put into these relationships over a period of fourteen years. I loved each of them in the best way I knew how, and I believe they all loved me. Through them, I learned so much about who I am and the type of love I am capable of. To be honest, I never really wanted kids before meeting them, and now I have Jackson as a result of them allowing me to be their dad. It is easy for me to think of all that I have lost by losing them, but it is also important to think of all that I have gained from having the opportunity to raise them and love them as my own.

When their mom and I started dating, I was introduced to them, and I immediately fell in love with each of them. In them, I saw three kids who were in need of the type of love that I could show them. Selfishly, these relationships would give me the opportunity to fill the gaps I thought existed and thereby build my ego through doing things for them and providing for them in ways no one else had. Over the period of fourteen years, we experienced so many highs and lows, but we experienced them together as a family, and I felt that what we had was special. As a father to them, I was in no way perfect— not even close. I was learning so much so fast, and as a result, I made many mistakes along the way. I served as a father to Madi and, at the very least, a father figure to Mack and Braydon. In return, they taught me so much about love, grace, commitment, and the ups and downs of being anything but a traditional family. In the end, my life has been forever changed by loving them, and I pray that my love has changed them as well. I have no control over the latter, but the former will always be true.

Unfortunately, when their mom and I separated, they had to make a choice, and in the end, they did what almost all of us would do: they chose to disconnect from me and remain loyal to their mother. I don't blame them in any way for making this decision. I know that in their minds, they must have felt they had no choice, as even adult children can be led to feel they need to be loyal to one parent over another. Perhaps it was a difficult decision, but I think that based on the information they were given and the narrative they must have believed, in their minds, it was the only choice. I was never given the opportunity to sit with them and share the reality of things so that they were accurately informed, and I regret that we never had that closure. Perhaps this was for the best, as I am unsure what that would have looked like, because sometimes we are better off not trying to discuss things with people who are committed to misunderstanding our intent. For me, the end of these relationships feels like a death. My insecurity and my "Goliath" (pain) have been very much triggered by this loss. For me, the fear of not being enough, not being truly loved, and only being a means to an end were reinforced by their decision to end our relationship. I was telling myself many lies, such as: they only loved me for my money, they only loved me when I could add value to their lives, and they were only in my life when I was perfect and it was convenient for them. I now believe that none of these things must be true. I know that God has a plan, and part of His plan was for us to be a family during a season in our lives, and now, for a reason that only He understands, that season has come to an end.

I pray that there will be a time when we can reconnect and at the very least share stories of all the amazing times we had together during the season we shared. I hope this happens, but as Seneca says: "Cease to hope and you will cease to fear. The primary cause of both of these ills is that instead of adapting ourselves to present circumstances, we send our thoughts too far ahead." Hope is generally regarded as a good thing, and fear is generally regarded as bad. I think that both are projections into the future about things we do not control. Both are the enemy of this present moment, and both mean we are living life in opposition to amor fati (acceptance). Life isn't about overcoming our fears; it is about understanding that both hope and fear contain a dangerous amount of want and worry in them. Sadly, the want is what causes the worry, and these are two things that, if we give in to God's plan, will cease to be something we even need to consider. I often read this beautiful poem by Billy Chapata, and it has a special meaning to me:

“Life has no particular order. It has no correct sequence in which things should happen. It is not shaped by the precise timing in which you do or do not achieve something. It's a beautiful kind of chaos made easier when you embrace its lessons fully with a warm hug and patience”

The Bible has quite a bit to say about hope, and none of it reminds us to try to control all the variables and worry about the outcome. Wisdom allows us to pray and wait, allowing God to work according to His plans.

Proverbs 3:13-15: “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.”

Lamentations 3:25-26: “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the ones who seek him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

The highlight of my week has been reflecting on all of the Thanksgiving memories I have with my family and friends over the years. I have been blessed beyond measure, and if I were to die today, I would take with me a lifetime of love and beautiful memories. I am also filled with so much hope for the future and all the memories I will be blessed to create with my family, and even some new memories with those I love. It makes my heart feel full to think of all of you enjoying your holiday with your friends and family. One of the greatest gifts that God has given me through this experience is the gift of perspective. Please do me a favor and give each other an extra hug, take each moment in, and try to find some quiet time amidst all the chaos to really thank God for each and every one of your blessings. I know that this time of year can be stressful for some and sad for many, but each day is a gift, and the holidays are a time to create special memories that can never be taken away. I will miss being with Jackson and others that I love, but God has given me the gift of spending this Thanksgiving with 400 other men who may not have my perspective, and I will be pouring into each of them in a way that will certainly glorify Him.

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving week...I’m certain that I will.

Posted on November, 24

By Joshua Gregg.

Week 18 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

I hope you all had a great week! My week was pretty standard; I only worked Tuesday through Friday since we are unable to work on federal holidays, and Monday was Veterans Day. So, we had to stay here, which made for a super long weekend and a really short week. This week at work, we spent two days working on the new house and then two days in the woodshop making frames and shadow boxes for a fundraiser that the ranch will be having in 2025. It was a lot of fun to learn how to use all of the tools and to build these super cool frames. We had access to some very old white oak and were able to reclaim it and cut it down to use for the material for our frames. The wood is quite heavy and has beautiful character from its past life, which will really come through in the finished product as we will leave them natural. I am enjoying working with my hands more than I ever could have imagined. I have spent all of my adult life using the gifts that God gave me, which resulted in working with technology, in boardrooms, hotel rooms, or airplanes. I had no idea how amazing I would feel working with my hands. I guess that explains why I enjoy cooking so much; also, it gives me the feeling of making people smile while eating my food. I continue to improve on the new skills I have learned as I am not very good at them yet, but I am so blessed to have this opportunity to learn new things and put them into practice for the benefit of the ranch and all those who have been touched by such an amazing organization.

A good friend of mine had the chance to visit the ranch last weekend and when she was visiting me, she took several pictures of the property and its beautiful buildings. It's nearly impossible to capture the beauty through pictures, and it is definitely impossible to capture the energy of the ranch through photos. However, I wanted to share some of these shots with all of you so that you could at least get a glimpse of what God can do when you choose to follow Him and trust in His plan. In these pictures are the Chapel, the house we are currently building, and several shots of the property and its natural beauty.

**The mobile version of this blog won’t allow you to see the pictures, please go to the desktop version if you want to take a look at them :)

The only way to get the full ranch experience is to visit it yourself (maybe you can stop and see me along the way) and take in all of God's beauty. I would encourage everyone to check out their ministry and pray about the amazing things God is doing through the incredible people at Chestnut Mountain Ranch.

https://cmrwv.org/ (here’s the link of Chestnut Mountain Ranch if you wanna check their website)

This week, I had the opportunity to spend some time with my new friend Chi-Town, whom I have written about before on this blog. For God to have selected me to pour into his life is such an honor and a blessing for me. As you may remember, this is his third time in federal prison, and he has been in jail on several other occasions as well. We were chatting about his journey and how much he has learned about himself during his most recent bid (that’s "time in prison" for those of you who don’t remember the prison dictionary from one of my earlier posts). I am honored to be spending time with him, working on his plan for when he leaves here, which will allow him to provide for his family without having to go back to selling cocaine, which has been his way of life for more than 30 years. He made the comment to me that he has come to the realization that he wants to be a good father and husband, and to do that, he can't end up back in prison because "this ain't it." When I heard him say these words, I could tell that in his mind, he was talking about being here in prison and living this life; he meant that this isn't where he will find the solution to finding happiness in his life. For me, it was a much more powerful statement than that. I have been thinking and praying about this comment for many weeks because, for me, it meant so much more than just this place not being a good destination.

For me, "this ain't it" represents all of the times in my life when, in my heart or in my gut, I knew that what I was doing or the person I was doing it with simply was not what God had written in His plan for me before I was born when He wrote the story of my life. "This ain't it" could have saved me from bad decisions, abusive relationships, giving away parts of myself to people and things that weren't looking out for me, and even being the cause of hurt and pain to others. Had I just been able to listen to what God was telling me, I could have avoided so many things that simply were "not it" for me. Now, I am in a situation where I find myself in prison with plenty of time to reflect on all of the "this ain't it" moments in my life. I am asking myself how I can use this as an opportunity to allow God to decide how to best use me to bring glory to Him by helping others avoid these same mistakes, or even more importantly, help others who find themselves where I am today, who may be searching for their meaning. In the great words of Nietzsche, "He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How." What I am saying is that in a life full of "this ain't it" moments, maybe for me, this moment "is it." Perhaps for me, this is part of God's plan. "Forces beyond our control can take away everything we possess except for one thing: our freedom to choose how we will respond to our situation." — Harold Kushner. We cannot always control what happens to us in life, but we can always control how we will feel and what we do about what happens to us.

As I think about my friend Chi-Town and how profoundly simple his comment was, I am thankful for him and how his reflection has impacted me. I am so grateful for him allowing me to go down this road with him and for reminding me that the journey is much more important than the destination. "I was sent to prison. But the observation, 'he is suffering,' is an addition that comes from you." — Epictetus. An event itself is objective; how we describe it—that it was unfair, sad, a shame, or a great calamity—that is on us. Malcolm X (Malcolm Little) went into prison a criminal, but he left an educated, religious, and motivated man who would help in the struggle for civil rights. Did he suffer? Or did he choose to make his experience a positive one? Acceptance isn't passive; it's the first step in an active process toward self-improvement.

The highlight of my week was my mom, dad, and Melanie being able to visit Jackson when my dad spoke at his school during a Veterans Day service. They were able to go to dinner with him the night before and spend time with him again at his school the following day. Although I am here and not there, I felt very close to him this week. The three of them gave him hugs for me, and the thought of having three of my people spending time with my favorite person made me feel so much love all the way here in West Virginia. I miss him even more than I thought was possible, but I am here working on myself, and when I return, I will be an even better father than I was before. I now have the perspective that I was unable to grasp before all of the events of the past couple of years. I dream of the time when he and I are able to spend time together, and I am allowed the opportunity to show him what real men do when they fall. They get back up, they learn from their experience, they learn to depend on the love and support of other people, and they draw closer to God, seeking an impenetrable relationship with Him. "A man is great not because he hasn't failed; a man is great because failure has not stopped him."

I hope that you all have a blessed week...I'm certain that I will.

Posted on November 17, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 17 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

This week was a very good week, but I can tell you that the rollback on Daylight Savings Time is tougher in prison than it ever was on the outside.  It gets dark here just after dinner which is at around 5:00pm which means that we have about 4 hours before we go to bed.  Trying to stay busy and stay awake during this time has been a real challenge for me this week.  I think that the winter here will be long but I will adjust and find a new rhythm in terms of reading, writing, and meditating. There was a lot of discussion here this week about the election results.  As many of you know, I am neither a Trump guy or a Kamala guy, but I definitely would have voted for Trump as I think he is the best of the hot messes in this election.  I do like his politics and think his thoughts around the economy are far superior to what she and Biden have been cooking up over the past four years.  I'd say that people here are pretty much split on the issue, which is very representative of what we saw in the election results around the country.  Someone this week did tell me that Hillary Clinton was the most experienced and prepared person who has run for President in the history of the United States.  This wins the award for the most bananas thing I've heard since I've been here, and that's really saying something, lol.

Work this week was very good.  We accomplished quite a bit and were able to use the rainy days to focus on things inside the house or under the porch.  It feels great to be able to see things coming together as we focus on wrapping up the exterior trim, the board & batten, and the finish trim on the wrap-a-round front porch.  This week my friend Mike from work made his famous meatloaf which was quite good.  I made mashed potatoes and Trina made baked beans.  It was a great lunch filled with comfort food on a rainy day; a huge success.  As fall turns in to winter you can see things changing in the nature all around the ranch.  Working in such a beautiful place and around so many great people who are filled with the Holy Spirit continues to be a major blessing.  When I came here I had no idea that God had any of this in store for me; it wasn't anywhere on my radar.  I don't know if this is a season or something more but I will continue to listen to Him and obey His plan for my life.

I have been reading a new book that I received called The Origins of You, by Vienna Pharaon.  It is a very good book about breaking family patterns of generational trauma.  As many of you are aware I have been working on this for a few years as it relates to me but this book has me thinking about the trauma that I have inadvertently caused in Jackson's life since his birth and how I can help change the impact that this has had and will have on him.  I am taking a lot of good information from this book that I can turn in to actionable items as I continue to work to be the kind of father that God has as part of His design.  In this book I read a quote from Dr. Alexandra Solomon that really impacted me, "our wounds and our gifts are next door neighbors".  I think this may be one of the most beautiful quotes that I have ever read.  I have spent a lot of time in this blog talking about my childhood trauma (too much time some have said) and how it has negatively impacted me, but I never really thought about how this trauma has been a gift to me as well.  When I think of some of my best qualities it is irresponsible to not consider that many of these qualities were learned as a result of this trauma.  For instance I have a gift of being incredibly empathetic.  I can actually feel the emotions of others when I walk into a room.  I have said in therapy and to others that this is my sixth sense and I believe that this is the case.  I really don't think that I would have this gift if not for said trauma.  Not only am I gifted at being able to read a room but I am equally gifted at being able to change the temperature of the room.  Some people are thermometers and are able to tell you the temperature and some people are thermostats who have the ability to read the temperature and impact it, and this is one of my greatest gifts.  This gift might exist without my trauma but it would not be as developed sans many years of practicing out of necessity.  

I love that I am now able to understand these gifts and their origins, as it gives me more power over them and helps me be much more grateful for the challenges I have faced and the positive outcomes of surviving these challenges. Above, when I mentioned that some have said I have spent too much time talking about my childhood trauma in my blog, it is important to point out that neither of my parents have made this statement to me in any way. They have both been honest and transparent, saying that it isn't always easy to hear, but they are supportive of my process and have taken ownership of any mistakes they may have made as parents. In fact, when they visited me last month, my dad took the opportunity to apologize for the role he played in causing me trauma as a child. It made me feel so loved to sit across from him and watch him work through what must have been a very difficult apology. When I hugged my dad at my sister's house the night before I was dropped off at prison, he told me he loved me and how proud he was of me. This is the first time I can remember him saying he was proud of me. He has told me many times that he loved me, but to hear him express pride was a wonderful thing. Both of my parents have told me many times since I have been here that they are proud of me. It seems kind of crazy to be in prison and feel like you have finally gained the approval of your parents. I think it is beautiful, and it says more about them than about me. They have a keen understanding of what is important, and watching me handle the past few years as a father, as a man, and as a follower of Christ has made them more proud of me than all of my other "accomplishments" from the past.

I read a quote this week that says, "When you heal the little boy inside, the grown-up man shows up." I think that many of us never fully heal the little boy inside, and therefore never become the man God made us to be. I am forever grateful for all the people who have supported me on this journey, as I would have never been able to become the man I am today without their support. I have spent my entire life trying to negotiate with the little boy inside me to allow me to take control, but he was unable to trust me until I worked with him to heal his wounds, allowing him to see how beautiful he is and how much potential he had all along.

Speaking of people other than me who have had their fair share of ups and downs, I have been studying David a lot over the past several months. In many ways, I feel connected to David. I think that, like David, God has big plans for me, and like David, God has given me many talents that, if used as intended, can bring much glory to Him. Also, like David, I have a sinful nature, and when I have been a priority for Satan, I can make some very poor choices. In a way, I believe it is quite a compliment to be prioritized by the fallen angel, as this must mean that he thinks I have high potential and am someone he would prefer to live for him instead of for God. I feel so safe knowing that Jesus can relate to the feeling of being tempted by Satan. In Hebrews 2:18, it says, "Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

I have so much respect for how David faced Goliath without thinking twice, allowing God to be victorious through him. I have learned to face my "Goliath" by recognizing that I do not need to be stronger than it; I just need to believe that God is stronger and that there is nothing to fear. Like David, we need to see past our "Goliaths" and realize we serve a God who can bring down our toughest foes. Retreating from our "Goliaths" might make us feel safe in the short run, but the only way to real victory is by rushing at our giants with a God-saturated soul. David lived much of his life as the chosen one, "the man after God's own heart," and for many years was able to focus on what God desired in his life until Satan found his most significant weakness (his ego, which was exposed by Bathsheba) and was able to overcome his strength. Like David, Satan was able to find my Goliath, which is fear, and he used this fear to mold me into someone who would abandon the idea of working to glorify God and instead chase the feeling of safety, allowing my fragile ego and overwhelming pride to drive my behavior. I believe that God is writing a "nevertheless" into my biography. I had a fragile ego and was controlled by pride; nevertheless, I was able to follow Him and change the lives of others. I suffered from abuse and alienation; nevertheless, I was able to show others what it looks like to "be still and listen to me" (Job 33:31). As it says in Ephesians 6:11, "Put on the armor of God so that you can fight against the devil's evil tricks." It doesn't say to keep working hard or to read a lot of books to learn how to fight against the devil's evil tricks. Only through trusting and obeying God and allowing Him to protect us with His armor can we be victorious.

The highlight of my week was a visit on Saturday and Sunday from a very good friend and one of my favorite people. It was amazing to spend time with her and catch up face to face. When you are around someone whose vibration is easy and matches yours, it is always a great way to fill your tank with love and energy. This friend has been with me for the past 18 months in such a major way. She has been by my side when I was feeling my worst and always knew what to say or would simply listen and pray with me when there were no words needed. I am so grateful for her and thank God for allowing us to be friends and lean on each other. I loved the visit and can't wait to return home and spend more quality time together.

I hope that you all have a blessed week... I'm certain that I will. 

Posted on November 10, 2024

by Joshua Gregg

Week 16 is in the books—another week down in Morgantown!

This week seemed longer for me here. I’m not really sure why, other than I was very tired in the evenings, and they all seemed to drag on. I think it will take some time to adjust to the time change this week, as it’s already getting dark very early; now it will be dark by about 5 PM. I guess this is normal for winter, but being here and not outside as much does make things drag on a bit.

Things at the ranch were awesome this week. We worked on the house all week, and the weather was pretty much perfect every day—cool in the mornings but sunny and warmer throughout the day. We did board and batten on the front of the house for most of the week. This is a look that I really like, so it was fun to learn how to do it and to watch it all come together. This week, I was able to make lunch a couple of days, and as always, being in the kitchen was very therapeutic for me. I made homemade chicken and noodles with mashed potatoes one day and breakfast for lunch another day. They both turned out great; no complaints from me or any of the other guys, and I had a couple of requests for my chicken and noodle recipe, so I guess that was a success! It is such a blessing to spend this time working with my hands. Whether I am working on the house or in the kitchen, I can use my hands to build something, and it feels great. The time at the ranch goes by very fast, which is also a blessing, and being in the presence of so many great people makes me feel very peaceful. The peace I feel while at the ranch is such an important part of my healing process. It really allows me to clear my mind and feel a sense of calm. In Job 33:31-33 God says, “Pay attention, and listen to me; be silent, and I will speak. Listen to me, be silent, and I will teach you wisdom.” He is talking to Job here, but it applies to me in many ways. Gaining wisdom requires us to do many things: trying new things, learning from our mistakes, overcoming our fears, surrounding ourselves with different types of people, and learning the art of self-reflection. None of these things are as important as what God is telling us here: “Be silent.” Of all the things that I am good at, this definitely isn’t one of them. My mind is always racing; there has been so much chaos in my mind for as long as I can remember. But being silent is new for me, and I’m loving it. I am so blessed to practice this every day while I am with God and so many of His people at Chestnut Mountain Ranch.

On Thursday night, we had a comedy show in the auditorium. I participated in it, and it was my first time performing comedy with jokes that I wrote, in front of a crowd of about 200 inmates—what a rush! I had some jokes about the prison and some of the people here, as well as other funny topics. It was so much fun to prepare for and participate in the event, but I have been battling a bit with the amount of time I put into it this week, which pulled me away from some of the other things I love doing. I think I spent about five hours on this show instead of doing my daily reading, Bible study, and meditation time. I have been so fortunate while I’ve been here to take plenty of time for these things, and this week was an exception. Proverbs 14:30 says, “A heart at peace gives life to the body.” It makes me think about when I leave here, and it’s a bit scary to realize that when I get hit with other distractions, I can so quickly stop prioritizing some of the things that are really important to me and to my journey. The question I have been asking myself since Thursday is: Was I pursuing the chance to know God better, or was I pursuing the feeling I get when I am in front of a crowd on stage? How we spend our time reflects the things that are most important to us. This quote beautifully illustrates this message to me:

“Your life is shaped by the intuition nudges you follow, the friends you confide in. The wounds you heal,  the way you treat your body; the moods you nurture. Also the way you spend your time, the level of optimism you hold, the beliefs you keep, the habits you repeat, the questions you ask, the objectives you prioritize, the people you love”. 

Most of my life has been filled with great intentions and less-than-stellar execution when it comes to feeding my spirit and prioritizing my mental health over other demands—both my own and from other people. When I feel distracted, I think of Proverbs 24:10: “If you falter in a time of trouble, how small is your strength?” Wow, how simple and clear is this? I pray that I will be in a position that allows me not to be impacted by the many distractions of daily life. I want to focus on my relationship with God and with myself above all else, as I truly believe that these things will keep me healthy and allow me to be better in all other aspects of my life. This week, I think I failed at that, and it’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with. The fact that something so unimportant yet so enjoyable could pull me away from what is most important is a scary realization. I am the king of excuses, and I’ve got one for every selfish thing I’ve ever done. All I want to do is love in the light, but I know that Satan is very patient and believes in the long play; in fact, he has executed this with me many times very successfully. 1 Peter 5:8-9 says, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of suffering.”

One of the things that I spend a lot of time talking about these days is “leaning into it.” One of my book ideas is about this topic and how we can benefit from leaning into things instead of away from them. I think that as a child, I had no choice but to lean in, so as an adult, it has always come naturally to me. As a child, I was taught not to rock the boat, not to fight back, and to go with the flow, as swimming upstream can be a difficult path. As it relates to my current situation, I have been really leaning into it. While other people I know are spending lots of money to keep their crimes and prison information off the front page of Google—although I totally understand this in certain cases—I am telling everyone I know. I believe that if we lean into things, we will be better able to use our situation to help others. This week, I saw a quote from my favorite Stoic, Epictetus: “Don’t seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will; then your life will flow well.” To me, this is the definition of leaning into it. Has something happened to you that you wish had not happened? Which of these is easier to change: our opinion or the event that has passed? Accept what has happened —this is leaning into it. To wish for what happened  is a clever way to avoid disappointment because nothing is contrary to your desires; this is leaning into it. To actually feel gratitude for what has happened? To appreciate it and see the good?  This is a recipe for happiness and joy, and this is the definition of leaning into it.

The highlight of my week was my weekend visit from my sister Melanie and her best friend Amy. It was so nice to see them and spend time with them both Saturday and Sunday. The weekends always go by so much faster when I have visitors, so it was a real blessing that they came to see me. It’s great to see each other face-to-face and really catch up on our lives. Even though we stay in touch via email and our weekly phone calls, you just can’t replace the quality of face-to-face time we get when we are together. I am so grateful for the relationship that Melanie and I have built over the past couple of years. She is one of the strongest people I know, and she has fought so hard—both physically and emotionally—to be in the place where she is today. I have so much respect for her and am so blessed to have her in my life after so many years apart. It was also cool to spend time with Amy. I have known her for most of my life, but like so many others in my path, I have been too distracted and preoccupied with my own desires to take the time to really get to know her. She has been such a great friend to Mel, and I am so grateful for her. Perhaps someday Mel will actually be able to repay her and be a good friend to her too (this is an inside joke, and it made me laugh, so just lean into it).

I hope that you all have a blessed week ahead—I’m certain I will.

Posted on November 3, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 15 is in the books… another week down in Morgantown!

This week, I was able to enjoy the peak of fall conditions here in West Virginia. Working outside most of the week allowed me to take in all of the beauty that God has to offer. I thought a lot about how the leaves on the trees are like our lives. Sometimes they are green and lush, sometimes they are filled with many colors, and sometimes they are empty of leaves altogether. Just like these trees, regardless of which season of our lives we are in, we are beautiful and constantly evolving. If we only look at the trees during a specific season, we might draw many conclusions about them, but if we are patient and watch them evolve, we will not only see how strong and resilient they are, but we will also understand them and what they represent on an entirely different level. I thank God that He allows us to enjoy the beauty of each other as He works on each of us to become exactly who He created us to be.

This week at The Ranch was especially amazing. We had a mission team in from 5 Point Church in South Carolina. There were about 20 men and women in town to help us as we continue to build on the vision that God has set for Chestnut Mountain Ranch. It was special for me in a couple of different ways. I was able to cook tacos for the team on Monday and lasagna for them on Tuesday. It really made my heart smile to be able to feed all of these people and put a smile on their faces as they took their lunch breaks on both days. My love tank was very full with all of the words of affirmation and the love that I received from so many of them. I was also able to share my testimony with them as many came to me one-on-one to ask about my story. I opened my heart and shared what God has been and continues to do in my life. Being able to share this with them filled me up and gave me so much energy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share and pray with them. As you all know by now, I do not know what God has planned for me going forward, but I know that in this moment, I am so thankful that God is using me and my story to help others in many ways. Whether they or someone they love is going through something similar, or if my story only serves as a way for them to view God's perfect grace through a different lens, it is totally worth it, and I am so blessed to have been chosen to demonstrate His glory.

This week, when I wasn't in the kitchen, we continued to work on the wrap-around porch, and we also hung doors, interior trim, and exterior trim. This was a lot of physical work, which left me exhausted and very fulfilled at the end of each day. I did learn something new and completely outside of the box this week. One of the guys we were working with, named Rick, was stung by a hornet, and his father, Mr. Hazelwood, asked if any of us had chewing tobacco. Of course, the answer was no, but I learned that if you chew a little tobacco and then put it on the spot where you were stung, it will remove the poison and stop you from having an allergic reaction. We didn't get to see this in action since no one had any tobacco, but Mr. Hazelwood seems like the kind of man who would know what he is talking about, so I'll store this information away in case I ever need it.

As I continue to pray about how I will use my life experiences to help others, I am constantly learning—learning more about myself and more about all of the things that got me to where I am today. Some of these things are great, and some are less than great, but they are all part of my journey and will be part of my story as I move forward. While I am using my time here to pray, meditate, study, and reflect, it is important to me that I am both healing and developing a sense of how I will be able to best leverage this experience going forward.

Recently, when I was reading, I came across a really interesting take in a book called *Ego is the Enemy*. I have referenced other material from this book in previous blogs, but I just finished reading it for the third time since I arrived in Morgantown. Admittedly, that sounds a bit overkill, but I am a bit of a slow learner, and I think that for me, my ego is my Goliath. So anything I can do to better understand how to defeat this giant is the right direction for healing and ensuring that I remain on the right path regarding overcoming what or who Satan might have planned as a roadblock for me.

There is a section in the book that refers to "alive time vs. dead time." There are two types of time in our lives: dead time, when people are passive or waiting, and alive time, when people are learning or acting and utilizing every second. Every moment of failure, every moment or situation that we did not deliberately choose or control, presents us with this choice: alive time or dead time. You have the opportunity to choose which you will adopt, and this choice is especially important when you are truly free from the distractions that often come with things we may associate with being "alive." This concept was born by Viktor Frankl, who refined his psychologies of meaning and suffering while spending time in one of three Nazi concentration camps. There are many examples of people who took seemingly terrible situations—such as divorce, being in prison, being exiled, the loss of a loved one, or even a terminal illness—and turned these circumstances into fuel for their unique greatness. There is much power in realizing that these moments are not your life; rather, they are a moment in your life. Yet so many of us lack the ability (or are not emotionally healthy enough) to examine ourselves, and we reinvest our energy into the very patterns of behavior that caused our problems in the first place. We already know where this road leads, and we must use our time as alive time to build on the foundation that God has given us. Some people will make the same mistake over and over and will only blame others for their failure. These people may never learn that this time is a gift from God, and it is incumbent upon us to use it wisely. They will create false narratives in their own minds and use this as a way to survive because the truth isn't something they can accept. They will convince others that their narrative is the truth because for others to know the actual truth would mean the death of their ego. For me, this time in prison is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I am using it to find myself and to pursue God's true purpose for my life—the reason I was actually born. I will not allow this to be dead time for me. The dead time in my life was when I was controlled by my ego. The dead time in my life was when I allowed myself to be controlled by people who wanted nothing more than to use me and leverage my weakness for their personal gain.

I read a poem this week that really resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with all of you:

The energy will always tell you what isn't for you anymore. 
The energy will always be different when you revisit a place you have outgrown. 
The energy will always be different if you deal with a person you have outgrown. 
The energy will always be different when you take steps back 
to reach someone at a level you don't resonate with anymore.

To me, this means that it is very natural as we live our lives to move in and out of some relationships. You will always know who is for you or not based on how the vibration feels when you interact with them. If we force certain people into our orbit, we will deny ourselves the growth that comes with all the wisdom we are gaining as we grow. If we aren't growing, then we likely will not experience many changes in the people we are surrounded by. It is only when we grow that we outgrow certain people, and that's okay. What's not okay is to deny ourselves the growth we desire by surrounding ourselves with self-limiting people whose vibrations do not match our own. When I have to interact with someone whose vibration does not match mine, it feels like an anchor is weighing me down. I can feel it immediately, and it lasts for days after the interaction. Once we identify these thieves of our light, we would be well served to limit our exposure to avoid allowing them to suck the energy away from us to feed their own darkness. I find that the closer I get to my true self, the better able I am to see this darkness and avoid allowing it to block out my light.

I pray that you all have a blessed week… I am certain that I will!

Posted on October 27, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 14 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

This week seemed to go by faster than most. I think the longer I am here, the faster time seems to go, which is a huge blessing for which I am very grateful. We didn't work on Monday as it was a federal holiday, so last weekend took forever, but the week started on Tuesday, and by Friday, I couldn't believe it was over already.

Work at The Ranch this week was great. All of the trim and doors were delivered this week, so we unloaded all of them and started to install them. There are 60 interior doors in the new house we are building, which sounds like a lot but looks like even more. This weekend is the annual open house, so we did a lot of things to get prepared for that as well. I love to clean and organize things, so this was very enjoyable for me. Also, on Tuesday, they asked me to make my mom's famous lasagna. It felt so good to be back in the kitchen after three months of not cooking at all. Those who know me understand how therapeutic cooking and baking are to me, so this was a real blessing. The lasagna was such a hit that they have asked me to start making it once a week. This week, we have a mission team helping us, so I will make lasagna for 40 people on Tuesday...can't wait! The people at The Ranch continue to amaze me. It is a first-class organization filled with extraordinary people. It's amazing what can be done with an inspired vision, great leadership, and a lot of hard work. I continue to feel grateful to be a part of such an amazing group working to glorify God.

On Friday, I made lunch for my friend Mike, who also works at The Ranch with me. It was so much fun, and I want to share with all of you what I made, but you need to know that I am going to type this exactly how I would say it if I were telling you the story, so use your imagination and enjoy taking this culinary ride with me. I started out by putting two pieces of white bread in the toaster, not turning it on—just putting them in their slots so that they could get comfortable with the idea of what was about to happen. Then I took a cast iron skillet, added a knob of butter to it, and turned the heat up as high as I could without burning the butter...let's call it medium-high heat for those of you who may be wondering, "What on earth does he mean by not burning the butter?" Then the real magic started to happen. I added to the skillet four pieces of medium-cut ham and allowed them to start to sizzle. As soon as the edges started to crinkle, I turned them over and did the exact same thing to the other side...just a crinkle, not a crackle. I then removed them and set them on a plate that was on the stove but not on a burner. I removed the skillet from the heat, and after adding another knob of butter (because, as Jesus says many times in the Bible, "you can never use too much butter"), I gently invited four eggs to join us on this journey. After about 30 seconds, I put the skillet back on the burner and added some fresh sea salt to the tops of the eggs—crack, crack, crack, three turns on the grinder, such a beautiful sound. I immediately added some freshly ground pepper to this culinary party—crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, four turns on the grinder; now we are cooking. It was now time to put these four beautiful pieces of white bread in their final resting place where they would, in about 90 seconds, be born again as slightly browned and just crispy enough toast. Now, with so much love and the hands of a surgeon operating on a newborn child, I turned the eggs over and allowed them to cook on the tops for about 10 seconds before gently and lovingly removing them from the heat. After the toast was finished, I added a generous amount of strawberry jam to one piece and some ketchup to the other piece. I know I may have lost some of you here with the jam and ketchup (Steve Hembree), but please stay with me because it's about to get real. I laid one egg on top of the strawberry jam side of the toast so gently that it barely knew what was happening, and then I put a slice of sharp cheddar cheese on top of that egg before adding the second fluffy white pillow on top of the cheese. Now I put the four pieces of ham back in the skillet to heat and finished the cooking process. I put another slice of sharp cheddar cheese on top of the two pieces of ham and then added the other pieces of ham to the tops, making what looks like a ham and cheese sandwich with no bread. Then, for about 60 seconds, I cooked and turned these over until the ham and the cheese were no longer individual contributors to this party, but they were one, working together like an orchestra whose parts are significant, but their collective contribution is where beautiful music is made. I then added this beautiful symphony of ham and cheese to the top of the eggs, added four drops of Tabasco, and then put the ketchup-infused bread on top to make a divine sandwich. What happened next, you ask? Well, let me tell you...a big bite of the sweet, salty, mildly spicy, egg yolky, crispy hammy, cheesy delight, and the mouth orgasm was in full effect. I got the idea for this sandwich from one of my good friends, Justin LaFee...I call it the Jubilee LaFee...do yourself a favor and try it at home; you won't regret it!

As I continue to pray about and think about my purpose as it relates to the next season of my life, I am constantly stuck thinking, "Why me?" Not "why me" in terms of where I find myself now, rather "why me" in terms of why God would want to use me to glorify Him and to grow His kingdom. I am not at all special; I have not lived a special life, and I have not always looked to God for guidance or made a real concerted effort to live my life as God would have planned. Why would He choose someone like me? He has given me so many natural gifts and has blessed me with so many great people and opportunities, but I have just made mistake after mistake after mistake. I really am not sure why He would choose me when there are so many other people out there who are better Christians, better people, better speakers, better writers—better, just better.

As I was praying through this, God presented me with His answer in 2 Corinthians 12:9: "His strength is made perfect in weakness." Here, He told me that He chooses the weak people of this world, like me, to confound the mighty. No one could ever examine me and my life and conclude that I did any of what God has planned for me based on my own innate abilities. Everyone would need to come to the conclusion that the only possible way for me to do His work is by His doing. I believe that God is looking for a few specific qualities:

- Submission

- Restraint

- Humility

- Compassion

- Courage

I don't think that I have any of these qualities on my own, but through Him, I have all of these qualities and will continue to grow in each of these areas as I focus on Him as my Lord and Savior. The answer to my question about why He chose me is that He will certainly use me to show His strength, His grace, His perfect plan, and His perfect timing to demonstrate to the world what can be accomplished when we move away from our pride and get close enough to God to hear His voice and do exactly as He commands.

The example has been set. There are so many examples of how God can and will use "ordinary" people to glorify Him and spread His message of redemption to the world. All He asks is for us to remain teachable, humble, and sensitive to the Holy Spirit's conviction and correction. I do not know how God will use me, and to be honest, I do not care how God will use me, just as long as He deems me a good candidate to represent Him in leading others to Him. My primary focus is to show God that I care less about obtaining a position than I do about being worthy of a position.

Since I have been here, I have been introduced to reading and studying Stoic philosophy. I have been reading a lot of works by some of the greats like Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus. This week, I came across a quote from Marcus Aurelius that really grabbed me:

"There is nothing worse than a wolf befriending sheep. Avoid false relationships at all costs. If you are good, straightforward, and well-meaning, it should show in your eyes and not escape notice."

What I think he is telling us here is that it's really obvious we should stay away from wicked and two-faced people as much as possible: the jealous friend, the narcissistic partner, or the untrustworthy coworker. At first glance, I think Aurelius is telling us to avoid surrounding ourselves with false people. But what if we turn it around? What if, instead, we ask about the times we have been false to our friends? Ultimately, that is what Stoicism is about: not judging other people's behavior, but judging our own. We have all been this type of "friend" at some point. We have been nice to people's faces, usually because something is in it for us, but later, in different company, we express how we really feel. Or perhaps we have strung someone along, cared only when things were going well, or declined to help even though someone really needed us. This behavior is beneath us, and it is worth remembering the next time we accuse someone else of being a bad friend. I hope that this reflection is as meaningful to you as it was to me. I think that as people of God, we face a real problem with our responsibility to glorify God and show others how we are meant to live our lives in the way demonstrated when God sent His Son. In my personal experience, other Christians, churches, and Christian organizations are some of the most two-faced, critical, and un-godly examples of how God wants us to live our lives. This is a real problem for those who are watching to see what it means to be a member of His family. We simply need to do better, as we owe it to those whose salvation depends on it.

I hope that you all have a blessed week... I'm certain that I will.

Posted on October 20, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 13 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

This week I made it past the 1/3 mark of my stay here in Morgantown (using my worst-case scenario release date). When I look back over the first 1/3 of my stay, I am forever thankful for the time I have spent healing, the lifelong relationships I have made, and all of the work that God is doing in and through me.

This week went by super fast; I can't believe that it's Sunday already. I am still loving the new job. The work is really fun, and the people I work with are amazing. The days go by so much faster than being here at camp all day, which is a real blessing. The weather was kind of perfect this week, with really cool mornings and sunny but still cool-ish temps in the afternoon. This week we continued to work on the wrap-around front porch for the home we are building. The porch is about 50 feet long on the front and goes down the side of the house 30 feet. It's pretty large and requires a lot of additional structural components as it's classified as a commercial structure. I am learning so much every day. I was joking yesterday, saying that this is my favorite wrap-around porch that I have ever built...also the first one I've ever built, but that's just a pesky detail.

This week we had some drama here at the dorm where I live. For the past couple of weeks, there is this really old guy (like 70 ;)), his name is Donald Epps, but we call him Mr. Epps. He has been complaining about the noise that the fans make when they are on at night. My bunkmate Jay and I were the last holdouts for Team Fan when he changed his narrative and started to say that the air coming off the fan was actually causing him health issues and that he thought he might die as a result of the cold air and its impact on his heart problems. Our fan is exactly 32 feet from him and is facing in the other direction, but he didn't want to allow that fact to get in the way of a good argument. He and I had several one-on-one discussions over the past two weeks where I was trying to find a solution that worked for him while not turning the fan off completely. When you are in a room sleeping with 26 other guys, the noises that are made during the night are not ideal. The coughing, snoring, and farting are bad enough, but when you throw in the fact that our bunk is directly across from the bathroom, you get the added benefit of hearing the sweet sound of flushing toilets pretty much all night long. That being said, white noise is the best solution to an inherently difficult situation. Mr. Epps spent several days going around telling other people that he might die if the fan continued to run during the night. His efforts were rewarded, as a couple of other characters in this story, who are also cold all the time (like wearing scarves and gloves inside), came to me and asked me to meet with all of them to discuss an agreement that works for all of us. I agreed, and the four of us met on Thursday afternoon. The net result of all of this was that I was in a position where I had to either dig in my heels, which would allow me to sleep through the night, or acquiesce and give in to his demands. In the end, it was a lose-lose for me, and I decided to turn off the fan and agree to try to sleep in a much less-than-ideal environment. The good news is that Mr. Epps didn't die; the bad news is that my nights just got a whole lot longer.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot and starting to put more structure behind my testimony. I plan to write my testimony in a way that I can share with other people where it can be consumed by reading or by listening to me as I share it. I'd recommend the latter, as God has given me much more of a speaking gift than a writing gift. Sorry that you all have to tolerate my writing at this time, but it's the best I can do unless you want to plan a trip to Morgantown, WV, and tick that off the old bucket list. As I am writing the outline for said testimony, I am thinking through what might be God's master plan for my life, what you might also refer to as my purpose. I came across this beautiful poem last week, which made me think about this journey for me in terms of where I have been and where I will be going from here:

the path back to yourself will be unique  

it won't be a linear journey filled with straightforward results and  

outcomes, it won't be a smooth sail with consistently calm waves and  

peaceful winds, it won't be a transparent trail with clear signs and  

direction - it will be incomparable  

it will have a variety of experiences that will leave you feeling a  

multitude of things at different times;  

sometimes, you will experience much that will leave you heavy,  

sometimes, you will experience much that will leave you lighter.  

other times, your experiences will serve no other purpose than  

helping you grow wings so you can return back home, to you.  

time may have hardened your heart, but you are deserving of  nothing but softness; 

time may have roughened your spirit, but  you are deserving of nothing but gentleness;

time may have tainted  the opinion you have of yourself, but you are deserving of nothing  

but forgiveness. 

I hope, eventually, these words open you to the realization that you are deserving of all those things and much more.

My testimony has been my life story, filled with my ups and downs, but more importantly, it is about me finding myself, moving closer to God, and finding His purpose for me. To me, this sounds scary and amazing at the same time, if that makes any sense. I will be writing about this over the next few weeks as I use my time to pray about and explore what God wants me to share as I continue to work through how I will keep telling my story. My story is not that unique, and we all have a story to tell. I hope and pray that God will use my story to help others who may be suffering or may be trying to figure out how their path will somehow lead to the blessings promised to us from God.

I am so thankful that God is willing to look past my weaknesses and my failings. I am thankful that He perhaps sees the same potential in me that He saw in Matthew. I pray that He will bless my effort to understand Him better and to deepen my relationship with Him. I think that for me to be able to think about my purpose, I need to consider why I decided to change and move closer to God in the first place. We do not change until we are ready. Sometimes it's a tough circumstance; perhaps a divorce, an accident, or an illness that forces us to face what isn't working for us. Sometimes our inner pain or unfulfilled longing gets so loud and insistent that we can't ignore it for another minute. But in all cases, readiness doesn't come from the outside, and it can't be rushed or forced. We are ready when we are ready, when something inside of us shifts and we decide that, I used to do that; now I'm going to do something else. Change is about interrupting the habits and patterns that no longer serve us. If you want to meaningfully alter your life, you don't simply abandon a dysfunctional relationship, habit, or belief; you must replace it with a healthy one. We must choose what we are moving toward. As I began my journey, I felt it was important to reflect not only on what I wanted to be free from, but what I wanted to be free to become.

I can't say that everything happens for a reason or that there is purpose in injustice or suffering. But I can say that pain, hardship, and suffering are the gifts that help us grow and learn and become who we are meant to be. I thank God for the new life He offers. May I never lose sight of the sacrifice, forgiveness, and grace that were necessary to make my new beginning possible. I pray that God will guide my actions so that I will be an effective spokesperson for the abundant life that is only possible through Jesus. I pray that God will work in and through me to make a difference in the lives of people who have not yet experienced His abundance.

I hope you all have a blessed week; I'm certain that I will.

Posted on October 13, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 12 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a great week, it is officially fall here with cooler days and chilly nights. I officially started my new job at Chestnut Mountain Ranch (The Ranch) on Monday and had an amazing first week.  The work is hard but the days go VERY fast.  The Ranch is an amazing organization doing an incredible ministry.  The people there have been very kind to me and it feels so good to be out in the "real world" for 8 hours a day and to be treated very "normal" by these amazing humans.  The Ranch has three completed homes where the boys live and we are building the fourth home right now.  These homes are beautiful and are about 9500 sq feet with 7 bedrooms/bathrooms which house 7 boys and they also have a 3 bedroom apartment in them where the "house parents" live with their families.  The rest of the home is a basement area for the boys to play and of course a large kitchen and family room area where everyone spends most of their time.  On the property there is also a beautiful school and a chapel that literally took my breath away.  Please visit their website to learn more about what they are doing at the Ranch and to see a video and some pictures as well.  I obviously haven't seen the website but a few of my family members have said that it's impressive.  The Ranch has as their theme 2 Corinthians 5:12, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come.  The old has gone, the new is here!"  I love this message of grace and renewal so much and am so lucky to be spending this time working to serve people who share my core beliefs.

The challenge with my new schedule has been finding the time to continue to do the things that I enjoy while being off site working all day.  I have been waking up at 5:30am so that I can have 30 mins of time to read the bible, meditate, and pray before I get ready for work.  I am also doing some reading and exercising in the evening after everyone else goes to dinner.  It's actually brilliant as I don't have to go to "mainline" (what we call the "dining" hall) at all because I am getting great food during the day while I am working.  I plan to fast every weekend that I don't have visitors so in theory I won't have to endure the mainline at all going forward.  This is such a blessing as going to the mainline is the time here that I feel the most like I am in prison.  Herding down to the cafeteria as a group, waiting in line to get a tray of "food", and then sitting down watching guys eat their food with a spork is a real challenge for me.  Many of the guys have been "down" for so long that even if they ever had any table etiquette (and I seriously doubt some did) they have long forgotten this part of being a human.  I really won't miss it at all, not even a little bit.

On Thursday I called my sister Melanie to check on her as I knew she had been sick with a pretty high fever since midweek.  While we were talking she informed me that my parents had received a text on Thursday notifying them that Jackson had been sick since Monday and had been in the hospital all week.  My heart broke at the thought of him being sick, being in the hospital, and me not being able to be there with him.  I have never felt more helpless.  It's a parent’s worst nightmare for one of their kids to be sick or in pain and we are not able to do anything to help them.  In this case I can't even be there to hold his hand, pray with him, or tell him that it's all going to be ok.  I know that God loves Jackson even more than I do, he obviously has way more ability to help him than me, and this is what I have leaned on during this time. I pray every night that God will continue to cover Jackson in His armor.  Ephesians 6:11-17- "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand, stand firm then with the belt of the truth around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all of the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

This past Sunday in Church we were singing one of my favorite hymns of all time, Amazing Grace.  This time as I was holding the hymnal and signing the words they jumped off the page at me in a way that I have never experienced before.

AMAZING GRACE how sweet the sound
That saved a WRETCH LIKE ME
I once was LOST, but now I'm FOUND
Was BLIND, but now I SEE

Most of us have had the opportunity to sing this song more times that we could possibly count. I wonder if I am the only one who has spent my entire life singing these words passively instead of actively? 

AMAZING GRACE: Grace is truly amazing and it's only by His grace that I am saved. Grace is a gift, it is not earned, it is not something that comes and goes based on our successful execution of God's commandments, it is something that can only be given to us, and for us to think anything different is to downplay just how massive the gift of God's grace really is. A lot of times we do not know how to receive  gifts given in love.  We prefer to try to earn,  to merit, to strive in some pitifully inadequate way, to deserve. We want to add works to grace, but as we discover when we read God's word, the only way to honor God's generosity is to receive it with open arms and a heart filled with gratitude.  To do otherwise is to rob Him of joy.  Giving to those He loves is what delights our heavenly Father.  As Jesus himself says in Luke 12:32- "Do not fear, little flock, for it is in your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME:  If grace is for me then it is for anyone.  I believe that God died for me and my sins died with Him, then when he rose from the dead we all rose with him.  On June 6, 2020 when I lost my job for stealing money from my company I was overcome with shame and fear.  In that exact moment the same pride that put me in this position to begin with would not allow me to see a path to move forward.  I was dramatically off course and was a sinner.  As I sat at my desk faced with a decision to either end my life with the gun sitting in front of me, and with it all of the pain that I felt and had caused others, or to face my situation head on and hope that God's grace and the grace of others would save me. In this, the lowest moment of my life,  I was taken back to the scene of God watching his Son hanging on the cross and all of the pain he must have felt.  I started to think that if I allowed myself to succumb to this pain and my weakness then what was all of that for.  Why was Jesus born and why did he die for me if I was only going to say that His sacrifice wasn't enough to save a wretch like me.

I ONCE WAS LOST: I have spent most of my life feeling lost but I was never really lost, I was just way off course.  I recently heard an illustration that really sank in with me.  If you are using GPS to get to a destination and you go off course, the GPS will always reroute you to the destination that was intended.  Sometimes you can simply backtrack and sometimes you are so off course that you will need to be rerouted entirely.  It may take you much longer, the route may be a little scary (or even a lot scary), and will certainly feel off course (this may even include a longer than intended stay in Morgantown, WV), but you will always be shown how to get to the intended destination.  You are never lost, just off course, and in my case, WAY off course. 

WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE:  I was never really blind, I don't think any of us are ever "blind", we are just looking at the wrong things for one reason or another.  Through grace I have been given this opportunity to get back on course and for God to use my route as a way to help others who may feel lost or like me, may simply be focusing on the wrong things. 

I listened to a great series last year by the pastor at my home church in Dallas that was called Grace Period.  Not Grace But, not Grace And, not Grace If, just Grace Period.  This past week I was reading the book that was written along with this series and it blew my mind again to think about grace as a gift not something we earn or need to repay.

You see, like me, many people don't know how to receive a gift.  At the root of this is pride (there is that pesky word again).  A pride-driven need to feel self-sufficient makes it difficult if not impossible to receive a gift when it is presented.  God did not send Jesus to restore us to good behavior.  Instead, He gave His best and most precious to restore us to Him.  The goal of grace is restoring us back to an intimate connection as delighted-in sons and daughters of a good Father.  If you take the best day you've ever had in terms of good work and good behavior, it all is still pitifully inadequate.  Imagine that the pristine righteousness and holiness necessary to stand in God's presence is the summit of Mount Everest.  Your worst day is ground level and your best day ever is only half and inch up the mountain.  That's mind blowing to try and understand as we are engineered to believe that our good works will equal rewards.  On earth this may be true, but not in heaven.  This truth gets confused a lot in the body of Christ.  We forget that grace is the pure undefiled, unmerited, unearned, undeserved (that's a lot of un's) favor of God toward sinful, spiritually bankrupt people, of which I am perhaps the leader in the clubhouse.  For those of us who are pleased that we have never committed adultery, as prohibited in the Seventh Commandment, Jesus has bad news for us.  Even looking at another woman with lustful thoughts is a violation.  Well crap, there went all of my self-righteousness with that one.  He will also tell us that the kind of righteousness that makes one fit for the kingdom of God looks like loving your enemies; turning the other cheek when you are slapped; cheerfully going the extra mile; and, when asked for your jacket, giving it gladly and throwing in your shirt as a bonus.  Jesus came to give us the gift of righteousness, but people who think they are already righteous will never receive His gift.  This doesn't mean that my behavior is irrelevant, but it does mean that I am not righteous because I do good things.  When I have acted un-righteously, when I have sinned, when I've made a mess of things, that's when I must run to my Father. There the light of His presence will illuminate the dark, unrenewed corners of my soul so they can be made new.  Only that light can expose the lies I've believed that are the root of my patterns of sin and failure. Only there, at the throne of grace, will I find mercy and help in my time of need. Many of us confuse grace and mercy.  Mercy is God not punishing us for our sins.  Grace is Him forgiving us for our sins and being reborn so that we may do the same.  Grasping this truth that what God desires to give you is 100 percent a gift and 0 percent earned will hinge everything about:

- the way you see yourself;
- the way you treat yourself;
- the way you see others;
- and most of all, the way you see, approach, and connect with our heavenly Father.

It is extremely important for us to understand that the enemy of our soul always stands ready to accuse us and point out all of the ways we have messed up and fallen short.  Yet when we came to Jesus, he was standing by with a command to have our dirty laundry replaced with a spotless, white robe.  It has taken me a very long time but eventually, I have realized it was profoundly inappropriate for me to carry around the shame of my sin.  "Jesus bore my shame on the cross just as surely as He'd borne the guilt of my sin.  He did this so that we could stand boldly and confident before God and no believer carrying around shame is "bold" or "confident" before God.  All of this being said, there are really only two choices for living the Christian life.  One creates a life of struggle, sweat, failure, condemnation, shame, and distance from God.  The other creates a life of freedom, faith, fruitfulness, and fellowship with a loving Father.  The first could be characterized as Grace Plus, or Grace And, or Grace But.  The second one which I recommend is called Grace Period."- Robert Morris.

The highlight of my week was a visit from my Mom and Dad.  They came to see me on Saturday and Sunday.  This is the second time they have come to see me since I got here just three months ago.  I really appreciate the effort and it was great to spend time with them for a couple of days.  They have been so strong and supportive of me throughout this entire process, I wouldn't have been able to make it to where I am today without their love and support.  It was so great to just talk to them and catch up on the things that we don't always get to discuss via email or over the phone due to time constraints.  I miss them and feel so lucky that they are still around and are willing and able to make the trip to come see me while I am here.  They are such a major part of my journey and are both so engaged in my healing process.  They are of course thrilled about my moving much closer to God and putting him at the center of everything I do.  They have been such great examples for me in this capacity and I am truly blessed to be able to call them Mom and Dad.

I hope that you all have a blessed week, I know that I will.

Posted on October 6, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 11 is in the books—another week down in Morgantown!

This week was quite wet in Morgantown. After experiencing little rain during the first ten weeks of my stay, we certainly made up for it this week with rain almost every day. When it wasn’t raining, the humidity made it feel sticky outside. Fortunately, it wasn’t too hot, so we had that going for us. They were installing Wi-Fi in our dorm this week, which meant we were locked out from 8 AM to 3 PM every day except for Friday. This wasn’t much of an issue, except that it forced me to change my exercise routine since I couldn’t return to my room to shower and change clothes during the day. I can really tell a difference in my mental and emotional state from not being able to get in a good morning workout for most of the week. It amazes me how quickly the body adapts to a new routine, and then when you ask it to change, it responds with a clear message.

On Friday, I received final confirmation that I will be starting my new job on Monday at Chestnut Mountain Ranch. I am very excited and feel blessed to have the opportunity to leave campus Monday through Friday from 7 AM to 3 PM to work on this project. I will be involved in construction work, landscaping, and maintenance projects, which will be new to me, but I am eager to work with my hands and contribute to such a wonderful organization. CMR is a camp for boys where they live, go to school, attend church, and learn various outdoor activities. I feel fortunate to have this opportunity, as being off campus and working with "normal" people will help time pass quickly and be very fulfilling for me. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me with this new opportunity.

I have mentioned this before, but it struck me again this week how much being in prison has changed my perspective—not only on prison itself (I could write an entire book on this topic, and maybe I will ;)) but, more importantly, on the people who go to prison. I have met some of the smartest and most interesting individuals here, and it continues to amaze me every day. I used to hold a judgmental and negative view of those who are in or have been to prison. Regardless of why we are here, one thing we all have in common is that we have allowed our pride and ego to interfere with our ability to make good decisions. The internal struggle is well summarized in this quote from Martin Luther King Jr.: "There is something of a civil war going on within all of our lives. There is a recalcitrant South of our soul revolting against the North of our soul. And there is this continual struggle within the very structure of every individual life." This battle is very real, and I believe it represents our ego and pride clashing with our understanding of right and wrong. Even though most of us know the difference between the two, we still face choices influenced by many external factors.

Having the ego strength to make the right decision when confronted with a difficult choice requires a significant amount of humility. Max Lucado says, "Humility doesn't mean you think less of yourself but that you think of yourself less. Embrace your poverty. We're all equally broke and blessed." Proverbs 11:2 states, "Pride leads only to shame; it is wise to be humble." Often, we ask God for just enough provisions, just enough wealth, just enough good health, just enough wisdom, and just enough good fortune to live independently of Him. Humility requires us to admit that God is our sole source of strength and support in this life and that without Him, we have nothing. This pursuit of humility begins on our knees, thanking God for His blessings and acknowledging just how undeserving we are of Him. In Luke 14:1, Jesus says, "All of those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." Jesus really hit the nail on the head with that one.

I think we can all agree that ego is a silent killer—a killer of relationships, a killer of happiness, and a killer of peace. Psychologists say that threatened egotism is one of the most dangerous forces on earth. If you don't believe me, reject a narcissist and let me know how that goes. :/ People with low ego strength are not people you want to be near when they are cornered. 

”Sometimes, because we can't face what's been said or what's been done, we do the unthinkable in response to the unbearable: we escalate. This is the ego in its purest and most toxic form." — Ryan Holiday, *Ego Is the Enemy*. David was considered by God to be "a man after my own heart." He gave this appellation to no one else—neither Abraham, Moses, nor even Joseph. He called Paul an apostle, John His beloved, but none of these men were tagged as a man after God's own heart. One might read David's story and wonder what God saw in him. He fell as often as he stood, stumbled as often as he conquered. He stared down Goliath, yet ogled at Bathsheba; an eagle scout one day, chumming with the mafia the next. He could lead armies but couldn't manage his own family. A man after God's own heart? That God saw him as such should give hope to us all. David's life has little to offer the unstained saint. Perfect souls find David's story disappointing. I find it reassuring. David had major issues with his pride and ego, so much so that he went to extremes to get what he wanted in an effort to stroke his own ego. The good news is that even with our sinful nature, we have God's grace to lean on. God forgives our sins, but we still have to face the consequences of our actions. If I had it to do all over again, there are so many things I would change, so many songs I would have rewritten. I am so thankful that I get as many chances as I need to get it right, to do the right thing, say the right thing, and to truly be a man after God's own heart.

I have been studying and working on the process of forgiveness and healing, specifically how my ego and pride have stopped me from—or tried to stop me from—both. I have had the opportunity to read several books on these topics while I have been here. Not forgiving people may at first seem like the most reasonable way to hold power over that person, but this results in allowing people and things to take up space in our brains, rent-free. Choosing where to spend my emotional energy has been a difficult yet pivotal point in this journey for me. The reality is that the famous saying "time will heal all wounds" is completely false. Time just allows us to bury our wounds so that we don't have to deal with them now, and in turn gives them significant power over our future. Read that at least twice...

I received this quote last week, and it really made an impact on me: "I never knew how strong I was until I had to accept an apology I didn't receive and forgive someone who wasn't sorry." Having to work through the past few years of my life and come to a place where I can accomplish the above is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do; it is also one of the most powerful things I have ever done. For me, the first step of forgiveness is to address any issues that I have with victimhood. Our minds come up with all sorts of brilliant ways to protect us. Victimhood is a tempting shield because it suggests that if we make ourselves blameless, our grief will hurt less and we will therefore be less angry. As long as we identify as the victim, we can pass the blame to someone else. Victimhood offers a false respite by deferring and delaying growth, but the longer we linger, the harder it is to leave. I needed to believe that I was not a victim; it's not who I am, it's what was done to me. It's possible to be both wounded and accountable, responsible and innocent. We can give up the secondary gains of victimhood for the primary gains of healing. It is necessary to step out of victimhood so we can step into the rest of our lives. Releasing ourselves from victimhood also means releasing others from the roles we've assigned to them. Awful things happen, and they hurt like hell. When we choose to move forward, we release ourselves from the prison of victimhood.

I have been reading a book called The Choice, written by an author who is an Auschwitz survivor. In this book, she discusses the psychology of victimization, healing, and forgiveness. We have a "choice" whether we want to hold on to our anger and not forgive, or choose to forgive and, in turn, allow ourselves to fully heal. In order to choose forgiveness, I had to choose to love myself. Loving myself is the only foundation for wholeness, health, and joy. So I needed to fall in love with myself. It's not narcissistic; it's self-love. Once I began to heal, what I discovered was not the new me, but the real me—the me that was there all along, beautiful, born with love, joy, and compassion. I needed to choose to not be a prisoner or a victim. I was a prisoner and a victim when I minimized or denied my pain, and I am a prisoner and a victim when I hold on to regret. Regret is the will to change the past. It's what we experience when we can't acknowledge that we're powerless, that something already happened, and that we can't change a single thing. It's healthy to feel all the aspects of grief: sadness, anger, and powerlessness, but don't get stuck there. When we have unresolved grief, we often live with overwhelming fear and rage. Resolving grief means both releasing ourselves from responsibility for all the things that weren't up to us and coming to terms with the choices we've made that can't be undone.

Last year, when I went through my divorce, there was an immense amount of grief, and I had to find a way to heal and forgive others for the damage that had been done to me. I've learned that divorce doesn't resolve the emotional business of the relationship; it just gives us legal permission to repeat the same pattern with someone else. It doesn't make us free. This was a profound realization for me, and it took me a lot of time, therapy, prayer, and meditation to come to this conclusion. My natural inclination was to take all of the pain that had been inflicted upon me and become a victim. The issue is that when we live in the prison of judgment, we don't victimize others; we victimize ourselves. For me, I needed to go to God and ask Him to give me hope—hope that there was a better life for me, hope that there is someone out there who will take care of my heart, hope that there was a healthy version of me, and hope that I could be insanely happy whether I was alone or with someone else. For me, there was a lot of power in understanding that hope isn't merely a distraction from darkness; it is a confrontation with darkness. In order to move past the darkness and move on to the version of myself that I and those around me deserve, I need to be able to forgive. Forgiveness isn't something we do for the person who hurt us; it's something we do for ourselves, so we're no longer victims or prisoners of the past, so we can stop carrying a burden that harbors nothing but pain. As long as I can't forgive someone, I'm spending energy being against them rather than being for myself and the life I deserve. To forgive isn't to give someone permission to keep hurting you. It's not okay that I was intentionally harmed, but it has already been done, and no one but me can heal the wound.

One of the themes in my past blog posts—and a general theme that I have been focusing on during my time here—has been the things I am thankful for. A couple of conversations that I have had led me to think about how thankful I am for being here in prison at this point in my life. I have been writing about all of the events that led to me arriving where I am today, and it made me realize that the one person whom I haven't thanked is my judge, who sentenced me to serve my time here. I wanted to let him know how thankful I am for this opportunity to grow and to heal. I remember sitting there in court on the day I was sentenced, thinking about how difficult his job is and how thankless it must be for someone in his position. So I decided to write him a letter to let him know how thankful I was and how I understand that his job is bigger than it appears to be. I have copied this letter below for all of you to read so that you can see where I am coming from, as I am certain some of you are thinking that I am out of my mind. :)

Your honor, 

I am not certain how many thank you letters you have received over the years but I would assume not too many.  I have been thinking about sending this for quite some time, but was unsure how it would be "received" or if you would physically receive it at all.

I am not sure if you remember me or my case but my name is Joshua Gregg and my case number is 3:23-cr44-001.  I was sentenced in your court room on June 14, 2024.  You sentenced me to 18 months in prison and my crime was wire fraud.  The how I got there or what happened that day are not why I am reaching out as they are relatively unimportant in the larger scheme of things.  What is important to me is that I have a chance to say thank you.  Thank you for your fairness, thank you for your wisdom, and most of all thank you for allowing God to speak through you in sending me to Morgantown, WV so that I could continue to process things, continue to work on myself, and most of all, fully heal.

It was a surreal moment when I heard you say "I sentence you to 18 months in prison". I had an eerily calm disposition in that moment and even though leading up to that moment my lawyer had told me that I would likely only receive probation, I still felt like my prayers had been answered.  For the months prior to my sentencing I never prayed that I wouldn't spend time in prison or that I desired a specific outcome, what I prayed for where only two things; God's grace, and His will in my life.  I believe that on that day, in that moment, you were His proxy, and He knew exactly what I needed.

I had already spent four years processing my crime, asking others to forgive me, and learning how to forgive myself, which was the most difficult part.  I had already done a significant amount of therapy and spent many hours learning who I really was in an effort to both understand why I had done what I did, and to assure that I would be much healthier going forward and be able to avoid ever putting myself in a situation like this again.  What I had not done and didn't really think that I needed to do is to take the time to heal, rest, and allow God to prepare me for what is next.

Being here in Morgantown for almost two and a half months has given me this opportunity, an opportunity to do something that I don't think I would have ever been able to do had you not had the wisdom to decide, on my behalf that this is what I needed to do. I have also been given the gift of time, the time to work on my testimony.  I believe that God, in any way He desires will use me and my testimony to help lead others to Him.  I believe that without being here, in Morgantown, I would not have the opportunity to see the full story, grow closer to Him, and allow Him to use me to spread His word of love and grace to as many people as He desires.

The other gift you have given me is the opportunity to show my 12 year old son that even though I am woefully imperfect, my sins have been wiped clean.  I can show him that with this clean slate I can do many more important things with the second half of my life than I did with the first.  He will have a front row seat for the transformation that can take place when you move closer to God and allow Him to direct your actions.  

I hope that this letter was able to make it's way to you as I believe that you are involved in something much larger than protecting the citizens of the United States from bad guys, or interpreting our laws.  I believe that God has used and will continue to use you to build His kingdom and that is the most important job of all.

Sincerely, 

Joshua Gregg

I hope that you all have a great week ahead, I'm certain I will.

Posted on September 29, 2024.

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 10 is in the books…another week down in Morgantown.

This was a tough week for me. I'm not sure if it’s because of the length of time I have been here or just me having an off week, but it was indeed a difficult week. Ten weeks without seeing my favorite person in the world is a very long time, and it's really taking its toll on me. I have been very fortunate to be able to talk with Jackson every week since week two, and I look forward to our Tuesday evening discussions.  Our weekly chats are great, as we get to catch up on what he is doing at home, at school, with his friends, and what I'm doing while I am here. He sounds great, and his attitude is such a blessing to me. But not seeing him, and not being in his presence, is proving to be even more difficult than I ever imagined. As Victor Hugo so eloquently stated, "What a grand thing it is to be loved. What a grander thing it is to love." If you have children, then you'll understand this perfectly. I find myself really leveraging strength, hope, and endurance through God to get me through each week that I am here: the strength to keep moving forward and to overcome what is sometimes an overwhelming desire to just break down and cry; the strength not to fall back into the depression I was feeling almost one year ago when things started to change between the two of us; the hope that God is listening to my prayers to protect him with His armor while I am away; the hope that God will protect our relationship with His armor, as it says in Ephesians 6:11: "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take a stand against the devil's schemes." The hope that my therapy and hard work will pay off in a way that affords me the ability to live a happy and healthy life; the endurance to stay positive and to continue working on myself to overcome all the trauma that has put me in this situation in the first place; and the hope that God will find a way to use me to help others who will benefit from hearing my story and learning about the perfect grace of Jesus.

What I now know is that for many years I have been carrying with me different versions of myself that were created as a response to the trauma wounds I received as a child. I'm not certain how much each of you have studied childhood trauma wounds and the effect they have on our ability to develop and grow, but it is significant. If you can understand your trauma and learn to work through your trauma responses, it’s like being given a key to unlock a healthy and successful life. At a very high level, when you go through trauma as a child—whether it is a one-off experience or a prolonged situation—your body develops different versions of you to process and protect your "self" from that trauma. These versions are created by your brain to defend you from the trauma, but as a result, they end up becoming part of your internal "family" or internal ecosystem, causing you to handle certain situations in an underdeveloped manner. There are three parts of your Internal Family System (IFS); they are:

1. Self: This is who you truly are at your core—the person you were prewired to be before life got in the way and created the other two parts of you.

2. Protectors: These are parts of you that were developed as a trauma response to protect your "self" and your "exiles" from being reintroduced to trauma that you have already experienced.

3. Exiles: These are the damaged parts of you that exist because of past trauma. They are carbon copies of your "self," but they are damaged and have been sent to "exile," only to appear when your protectors fail and you are retraumatized.

As a window to who I am and to perhaps help you better understand these three parts, I have done an extensive exercise to identify the identities of my three parts, and I wanted to share them with all of you. These are the identities that have either been prewired (my Self) or developed because of past trauma (Protectors and Exiles):

- Self: empathetic, kind, funny, friendly, caring, compassionate, peaceful, giving, faithful, strong, courageous, organized, thoughtful.

- Protectors: tough, numb, defensive, angry, untouchable, successful, driven, better than you.

- Exiles: abused, scared, confused, chaotic, weak, not lovable, bad, unwanted, stupid, ugly, fat, desperate, less than.

If you are interested in learning much more about IFS (Internal Family Systems), I'd recommend reading a book called “No Bad Parts” by Dr. Richard Schwartz.

There are also five types of trauma wounds you can experience as a child that play a major role in the development of these parts (Lise Bourbeau Theory). I am "lucky" enough to have these three:

1. Abandonment Wound: Whoever feels "abandoned" suffers an attack on their being. This type of wounding is rooted in absentee parenting figures, caregivers, or being left "abandoned" at a young age, which can lead to fear of being rejected in future relationships. For me, this wound presents itself as a human need for those who were meant to defend me or have my back not having the ability, or perhaps the bandwidth, to be present enough to take care of my emotional needs. This is a very typical wound, and this in no way makes me special. It is, however, a deep wound that has caused me to live in a constant state of chaos and fear.

   - Greatest fear: Loneliness  

   - Greatest need: Attention

2. Humiliation Wound (my primary wound): When the child feels that one of their parents is ashamed of them or that they fear being ashamed of their behavior in public. It originates when we feel that our parents or our environment have disapproved, criticized, or ridiculed us. The lack of self-esteem shapes a dependency personality from which we underestimate ourselves, feel guilty about everything, and forget our needs to please others. My lack of self-esteem or "ego strength" has been driven by never feeling like I was good enough as a child. It's a fact that when you are told that you are not good enough by enough people, you have no choice but to begin to believe it. As I became a teenager and an adult, the worst of these voices was my own. I was so convinced that I was not enough that I spent nearly all my time trying to prove to myself and those around me that I was indeed enough, even if it meant becoming someone completely different from myself and becoming who I believed they wanted me to be. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it ends in choosing the wrong partners and putting too much energy into the wrong relationships with people who, whether they know it or not, are using your brokenness for their own gain. My parents were very young when they married, and although we had a nice life, due to their generational trauma, they had an overwhelming desire to prove to the people around them that they were good enough, successful enough, and capable of being married young and raising the "perfect" family. All their internal pressure was then passed down to their kids. If I was well-behaved, made good grades, was not overweight, was good at sports, and kept my shirt tucked in (Doug ;-)), then the world would believe that they were successful as parents. It’s so simple once you understand the psychology behind it all, but if you don't have the resources or don't take the time to understand it, then it feels like a mountain that you just can’t climb or a rollercoaster ride that never stops.

   - Greatest fear: Freedom  

   - Greatest need: Freedom

To add some context as to why the fear and need are the same thing: he is a masochist. Meaning, when he's free and doesn't have any obstacles in the way, he thrives and lives life to the fullest. But he also buys too much food, too many drinks, spends too much, and works too much. It feels good, but then he still feels humiliated because the feeling of being inadequate won't go away, and there is also the humiliation of the guilt of doing all of that (spending, drinking, working, eating, etc.). That’s why freedom is the greatest need, but at the same time, it’s the greatest fear. On the other hand, in an integrated emotional environment where he understands that freedom is the freedom of the self (the feeling of adequacy, of being good enough in his own eyes regardless of the "stare" of others), the need for freedom is met.

3. Rejection Wound: We find the origin of non-acceptance by parents, caregivers, or peers, which culminated in a rejection of ourselves. When we perceive rejection as children, we end up cultivating self-loathing. We do not believe we are worthy of love or to be loved, and any criticism will cause us suffering that we will try to compensate for through the need for constant external approval and recognition. This wound is very similar to the humiliation wound in terms of how it presents itself and makes us crave a sense of belonging above all else. The main difference is how we perceive these wounds: the humiliation wound comes from the stare of others, while the rejection wound has to do with how we perceive ourselves. We don't feel like we fit anywhere because, at a very young age, we are led to believe that who we are is not who others want us to be; therefore, our true "self" is rejected. Our fear of being rejected becomes core to all our romantic and non-romantic relationships. If we do find someone or a group where we are accepted, we live in constant fear of others finding out who we really are and rejecting us. Over time, you lose the ability to ascertain who you really are, what is real, and what is fake.

   - Greatest fear: Panic  

   - Greatest need: Sense of belonging

These wounds existed already, and then I came across people in my life who would use these wounds against me—people who would identify my exiles and use them for their own gain. The reality is that if I had known that the exiles existed and had been able to heal them in the first place, I would have never possessed these cracks that allowed the darkness to enter. There are those gifted at exposing your cracks, and over time they will learn how to leverage these in their favor. This is one of Satan’s ways to drive a wedge between us and God. I don't blame those who pretended to love me, pretended to care for me, and pretended to be on my team, as they have trauma too, and their trauma is what led them to use me in a way to protect them from their pain. The reality is that unless we are emotionally healthy and address our own wounds, there really isn't a way to be in a healthy relationship with someone else who is dealing with their own issues. Some people say that we marry our parents; I think that we marry our unfinished business. For me, I have found myself looking for a partner who would approve of me, think that I was good enough for them, and make me feel like I was wanted just the way I am. In the end, I was looking for someone else to make me feel the things I was unable to achieve as a child with my primary caregivers and then was not educated enough to address on my own. I gave these people way too much power and an unfair amount of responsibility over my feelings and my emotional health. Had I been healthy, I may not have chosen the people that I chose to be in my inner circle; perhaps they would not have chosen me if they were unable to see me as easy prey, had they not been able to see all of my damage; or perhaps I would have chosen them but would have been healthy enough to contribute to a healthy relationship. I’ll never know, but what I do know is that it is up to me to forgive those who have created my protectors, exploited my exiles, and most of all, to forgive myself for allowing all of this to happen repeatedly without getting the help I needed and turning to God to heal me with His love and grace.

After a lot of therapy and developing a passion for learning all that I can about childhood trauma and how it affects us as we become adults, I have learned that there are things that have happened to me over several years that have fed the irrational fears that have existed in me since I was a child. I know where all my irrational thoughts come from as they relate to Jackson. What this all boils down to is fear. I am afraid of losing him. I am afraid that I have lost him. I am afraid of what the future looks like between him and me. I know what God says in 2 Timothy 1:7 about fear: "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love." At times, I lose sight of the promise that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I know that God has given me all the tools to escape this fear, but for me, fear is a giant inside my head. I know that fear boils down to disobedience; God says, "fear not." But I do fear, and therefore I sin. I have longed for my fear to simply vanish or wear off, but it isn't going anywhere—not on its own. If I want to defeat it, I must be more like David, gather up my stones, and advance boldly. In the end, I must put my faith in God. As He says in Isaiah 41:10, "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

It is important for me to note that although I am very transparent about my childhood and my resulting shortcomings as an adult, God did bless me with two amazing parents who did their absolute best to raise me in a loving and supportive environment. I take full responsibility for all my shortcomings and sins as an adult. I alone own my sin and any resulting pain that I may have caused others.

Although I think that there is a massive amount of value in understanding our past and ensuring that we do the hard work on ourselves to create a much brighter future—where we do not turn our trauma into generational trauma—I understand that God is asking us to live for today and not dwell in the past or worry about the future. To this point, I found this beautiful poem written by an anonymous poet:

My name is I AM.

If you live in the past,  

It will be very hard to find me,  

For I am not there.  

My name is not I WAS.  

And if you live in the future,  

It will be very hard to find me,  

For my name is not I WILL BE.  

But if you live in the present,  

It is not hard,  

For my name is I AM.

My prayer for me and for all of you is for God to grant us the peace of mind to embrace the fact that though we may not know what the future holds, we know who holds the future. There is a great song that I heard again this week while I was down by the river doing my morning Bible study; it's called “God Be the Glory” by We Are Messengers. The lyrics read like a poem and have really helped me as I've gone through this week:

When the ground beneath my feet  

is shaking like a leaf.  

God, you're still good to me.  

When my hope is all but gone  

And I'm barely hanging on,  

God, you're still good to me.  

When my heart can't find the beat  

When it's dark and I can't see,  

I will put my hope in You.  

I'll trade ashes for beauty,  

I'll trade joy for my mourning,  

I'll trade, to God be the glory.  

I'll trade strength for my weakness,  

I'll trade pain for my healing.  

I'll trade, let this be my story:  

To God be the glory.  

You love me at my best,  

You love me in my mess.  

God, you're so good to me.  

There's one thing I'm sure:  

Your promises will endure.  

You make a way for me.  

When my heart can't find the beat,  

When it's dark and I can't see,  

I will put my hope in You.  

And whatever comes my way,  

I will always praise Your name.  

I will put my hope in You.  

When I run into Your courts,  

I will fall into Your arms.  

I will sing a song of praise.

This week, I received an email from a dear friend of mine. He and I have been friends for nearly 25 years, and although time and distance have kept us apart, I still view him as a brother and appreciate his friendship very much. He is one of the smartest, most measured, and principled people I have ever known. He wrote that he found my blog and had been keeping up with my journey "behind the scenes." His words were so understanding, non-judgmental, supportive, and kind. It felt great to know that my voice is coming through as part of my testimony, which is being released in this weekly format. God has blessed me with so many people in my life who have been praying for me, listening to me, and speaking wisdom into my life while I have been on this journey over the past couple of years. It amazes me how God uses each of us to speak His message to each other. Not preachers, not biblical scholars, not priests or nuns, but normal people in our lives who show us the love and grace of Jesus.

My highlight this week was my weekend visit from both of my sisters. They dropped me off here just over two months ago, and it felt so good to see them and hug them this weekend. I have spent most of my adult life maintaining an arm’s length relationship with my sisters for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because I was running from my childhood and the memories associated with the trauma I faced growing up. Obviously, both of my sisters were a major part of my childhood, so naturally, I needed to move away from those relationships to keep a safe distance from having to deal with the uncomfortable things with which they were associated. I am so blessed that after so many years, when I turned and ran in their direction, they were both standing right there with open arms. Their grace, love, and support have been paramount to my ability to heal and make it through the past 18 months and get to the place where I am today. I am so thankful that as we are getting older, we will be able to make new memories and create a new bond that will add strength to all our lives. Also, they are both badasses and are truly ride-or-die for me. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention MaNell's husband, Steve, who truly is the brother that I never had. I look up to him in so many ways; he's so much more disciplined and wiser than I am, but he tolerates me, and even though my humor is a real head-scratcher for him at times, he loves me for exactly who I am. Also, as part of my ride-or-die team is Emme, MaNell's 19-year-old daughter. I am so blessed to be able to get to know her on a different level than I have ever been exposed to in the past. She is so kind, smart, funny, witty (she gets this from me, obvi), and beautiful on the inside and the outside. She has my back, and I hope that you all get to have someone as relentless, strong, and courageous as Emme on your team.

I hope you all have a blessed week; I'm certain I will.

Posted on September 22, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 9 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

I can't believe that another week has come and gone. Time goes by much faster here than I ever would have imagined. The weekends do seem to drag on a bit, but Monday to Friday goes by in a flash. The temperatures here this week have been much warmer again, but we aren't having much humidity, and it cools off very well at night, so sleeping temperatures have been very comfortable.

After two weeks of not having commissary due to annual inventory for the BOP, I was finally able to go back this Thursday. This by itself is great news, but I was even more surprised to learn that after nine weeks and numerous tries, they finally have dryer sheets in stock. I will no longer have to walk around smelling like nothing; instead, I'll be smelling like a fresh rainstorm covered in clean cotton. For those who know me well, you will understand just how monumental this is for me, as I LOVE doing laundry and am obsessed with smells. I also discovered a new snack this week with the introduction of a new smoked gouda cheese spread on the commissary menu. I am using a "Ritz" cracker with a little of the smoked gouda spread and just a drip of honey. It's like an orgasm in my mouth. I made Justin and Matt try it, and neither of them was as excited as I was, but it's okay because I am excited enough for all of us. With these Indian summer temps we are having, I can close my eyes and imagine this delicious snack with a nice chilled glass of Chablis, sitting in Saint-Émilion on a patio in the south of France...in reality, it's a knock-off Ritz cracker, spread cheese (that really should be kept in a refrigerator), and some Gatorade, but don't tell that to my mouth; it NEEDS to believe in the former rather than the latter.

This week, I was approached with an opportunity to take a new job, and I am very excited about the prospect. Here on the compound, there are only eight jobs that allow you to leave during the day on furlough and return in the afternoon. I was very surprised that I was asked to take one of these jobs before I even hit the two-month mark. I am honored to have this opportunity and am very excited to start once my furlough has been approved by the Warden. The job is a construction position at a nearby camp called Chestnut Mountain Ranch. CMR is a camp for troubled youth that was started by a retired police officer who noticed that too many children were entering the system at such a young age, and he wanted to do something about it. It's a really cool organization, and I think that the actual job will also be very fun and allow me to learn some new things that have always interested me. I will be off campus from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. Monday to Friday, which will be a great opportunity to enjoy a change of pace and be around some new and interesting people. One of the fringe benefits of this job is that I'll get to cook and eat my own food (like actual good quality food) while I am working at the camp. I really, really, really (that's a lot of reallys) miss cooking, so this will be very therapeutic for me. I have been praying about this over the past several days, and although I do not have all of the final approvals, I do feel that this is what God wants me to do. I will know for sure how this will all work out in the next week to ten days, and I will, of course, keep everyone posted.

I have been doing a Bible study with a group of friends here, and we are using a book called *Multiply* by Francis Chan. As I have mentioned many times in my past blog posts, I have been taking time each day to read my Bible and study what God wants to teach me. There is a section in the study that I am doing that speaks specifically about why God has given us the Bible. I wanted to take this opportunity to share these:

1) To teach us about Himself—God in heaven wants us to know certain things about Him, and He uses the Scriptures to reveal these things to us. It is through the Bible that we learn about God's power, justice, mercy, wrath, love, kindness, anger, faithfulness, jealousy, holiness, and compassion.

2) To teach us about ourselves and the world we live in—The Bible gives us answers to all of life's most important questions. The Bible provides much more than "religious truths"; it accurately explains the world we live in. The God who wrote the Bible is the God who designed the world. Since this is His world, it only makes sense to view the world from His perspective and live according to His principles. Rather than pursuing an emotional experience or trying to accumulate religious knowledge, we should be learning to live in the world that God made.

3) To enable us to live godly lives—He gave it to us so that we would be complete, mature people who are equipped and ready to do anything God asks us to do. This means that as we study the Bible, we should be looking to change. Hebrews 4:12 warns us that "the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Though we primarily think of the Bible as something we read in order to gain knowledge, we actually have it backward. The Bible reads us—it penetrates to our core and exposes who we really are (I love this last sentence; it kind of blew my mind).

4) To facilitate a relationship with God—He chose specific words to say to specific people at specific times. He chose sixty-six books to preserve for us so that we could know Him better.

5) To exalt Jesus—All of the events in biblical history point to His Son. The law was given to show us our sinfulness and our need for Jesus. Old Testament priests and sacrifices point to our need for the greater high priest and ultimate sacrifice. The Gospels record the loving words and actions of the Son of God. The epistles explain how it is only through His work on the cross that we can be saved from sin and filled with the Spirit. Revelation shows how He will one day return to judge and restore the earth and reign with His followers forever.

6) To prepare us for our God-given mission—From the moment Adam was created by God, people have had a mission on this earth. When we think about the nation of Israel, we often think that God chose them so that they could be separated from the rest of the world, enjoying God's blessings and living their lives as God's "favorites." Abraham was blessed so that he could be a blessing to all of the nations of the earth. Israel's mission was to show the world who their God was. In the New Testament, the mission of God's people becomes even more clear. We are not on this earth merely to enjoy our own personal relationship with God. We are here to be God's servants, His ambassadors: "Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ, God making His appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God"—2 Corinthians 5:20. This means that when we read the Bible, we need to view it as our marching orders. Rather than coming to the Bible with our own agenda and trying to find verses that support what we'd like to do, we need to allow the Bible to shape our hopes and dreams. Every time we read the Bible, we should understand our mission a little better.

I thought this was really helpful and points out that for the majority of my life, I have been reading the Bible for a lot of the wrong reasons. To be honest, I have never really been much of a Bible reader at all. I have always found it very complicated to understand, and I usually found myself thinking about loads of other things when trying to study God's word. It really took this season of my life (the past couple of years) when I had to go to the Bible to look for answers and to feel connected to God for me to actually be capable of reading and digesting what God had been wanting to share with me. Like I said above, in Hebrews 4:12, "the word of God discerns the thoughts and intentions of the heart." This is very powerful when you stop and think about it. I want to be His servant and His ambassador, and to accomplish these things, I need to know Him better and to better understand what He desires for and from me. If only there were a manual that could help me understand this more clearly... ;-)

This past week, when I was doing my morning meditation time down by the river, I was thinking about how hard life can be, especially when you self-sabotage in an effort to make less complicated things seem like gigantic hurdles to cross. While I was thinking and praying on this, I came to a very simple example of what my life has been like so far. I have been treating my relationship with God like I am pushing a car that works perfectly, but I chose to push it instead of ride in it. What I mean by this is that in every moment, for every decision, God has been there, right beside me, to offer counsel, support, love, and especially grace. While He was there for me, I wasn't pursuing Him in a way that allowed me to use His strength, His courage, and His hope as a proxy for my shortcomings in all of these areas. I have been trying to figure it out for myself, using only the resources that I had at my disposal, sans God. God has been there, ready to propel me to the next level, and I instead have chosen to ignore Him and use trial and error to find my way—choosing the hard way, the rough road, the hurt, the pain, and then doing all of these all over again. God is this beautiful car that can take me wherever He wants me to go; all I had to do is get in, buckle up, and trust that He knows the way. All of the times I have been fighting to keep my head above water and find my way, I looked over and saw this perfect plan that God had for me but ignored it in an effort to obtain the things that others told me were more important—the things that I thought were more important. All of the wasted energy, the damaged relationships, the pain of being in and staying in abusive relationships could have been avoided had I just climbed in and let Him drive. I can't even imagine all of the other people who I could have allowed to pile in my car with me if I had just been less prideful, less stubborn, and less damaged. In the end, like the twelve disciples, I am a man of limited ability. I am a man of weak faith. I am a man of imperfect understanding. I am skeptical, analytical, reluctant, prideful, and unsure. But, in Jesus's own words, I am exactly what He is looking for; His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

This week, a very good friend of mine shared this quote with me, and I wanted to share it with all of you: "What is ahead of you is worth healing for." I have read this and have thought about it numerous times over the past several days, and it continues to stick in my head as a very simple yet profound statement. So many of us carry around a significant amount of pain and trauma, and in most cases, never really dealing with it in a way that allows us to heal. I have learned so much about how trauma works and how it affects every aspect of our physical and mental well-being. To think about carrying around this weight and allowing it to impact us and those around us is such a sad realization. If you have ever lost a significant amount of weight (I'm "fortunate" enough to have been able to lose and gain significant amounts of weight numerous times in my adult life, lol), you will understand the thought process of losing 30 lbs and then picturing yourself carrying around a 30 lb weight all the time, putting into perspective the stress this puts on your body. Well, trauma is exactly the same thing. Carrying this around adds significant stress to your emotional well-being and to those around you. Understanding what your trauma is and then having the courage to hit it head-on and deal with it requires so much internal strength and external support, but in the end, what the quote says is 100% true: your future and the future of your kids and those God brings in your path depends on it.

I hope that everyone has a blessed week. I'm certain that I will.

Posted on September 15, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 8 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!!

This week was a very good one for me here at camp. The weather has been superb all week, with plenty of warm sun and a constant cool breeze each day, accompanied by nearly zero humidity. I am very grateful for this weather after several hot and humid weeks in a row. It’s great because I feel even more motivated to read, meditate, and do my Bible studies outdoors in the beautiful nature that God has provided when the weather is this perfect.

Now that we are two months into my sentence and my blog posts, I thought I'd share with all of you a few "prison terms" so that you can feel more prepared if you ever have to serve time (I know, I know, that would never happen to you)

- Mainline= dining hall
- What's up wit chu = good morning
- SHU= Special Housing Unit
- Cho-mo= child molester (we don't have any of these at camp; they are all at medium security facilities)
- Punk = homosexual
- Mac = 1 dollar
- Salmon =3 dollars
- Tuna = 2 dollars
- What's up wit it = how are you doing
- Bunkie = roommate
- Bid= number of times in prison (i.e., this is my first bid)
- Been down = length of time in prison (i.e., I have been down for 2 months)

To be clear, I don't use most of these, but I thought it would be interesting information for all of you who don't have the education that I am currently receiving. ;-)

This week, I decided to enlist a few of my close friends, Justin, Matt, and Shane, to join me in a 72-hour fast. I am grateful for their support and am also very thankful for the process. This is the first time I have ever fasted without needing to detox from alcohol and/or caffeine, and the contrast is quite noticeable. Normally, fasting for me has involved lots of body aches and headaches, but this time I didn't have any of that. Justin, Shane, and I used our mealtimes to read the Bible and pray, which made the time go by much faster than just sitting and thinking about what we would be eating had we gone to mainline (and you now know what mainline means, so you are tracking perfectly). This fast really wasn't about weight loss; it was more about switching things up a bit, and for me, it was about removing something normal from my day and using that time to speak with God and allow Him to speak to me. Usually, people just give up one thing when they fast, but me being the exceptional Christian that I am, also decided to give up sex for 3 days this week...my sacrifice is something to be admired! ;-)

While reading through Chronicles this week I came across this verse: 2 Chronicles 7:14 which says, "If My people, who are called by Myname, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."  I believe that there are four main components to what God is saying to us here. 

The 1st is to humble ourselves which means to no longer think of ourselves as being high but instead being low, no longer thinking of ourselves as being great or self-sufficient and to recognize how dependent we must be on God. 

The 2nd is to not only humble ourselves but to pray.  By praying we recognize that the only way to fix us is to turn to God because we know that we need His help. 

The 3rd is to seek His face.  There is a dramatic difference between merely looking for something and really seeking something.  When we go to the bookstore we might look around for a book and see if there is something interesting but when we have a meeting at 8pm it's 7:55pm and you can’t find my keys you go SEEKING by flipping over furniture and throwing pillows. Seeking is looking like there is something that you've got to have, and you'll stop at nothing to get it. Why the face?  The face in most cultures is the most intimate feature, the one that distinguishes us from everyone else.  To seek someone's face means to desire to know them personally, to know who they are deeply; to truly know them. 

The 4th component is to turn away from your wicked ways.  If we do not turn away from our wicked ways, it will keep God from doing everything that He wants to do in our lives.  There are all types of things that can keep revival from coming into our hearts.  Addiction, sex outside of our marriage, being hateful or judgmental, thinking you are perfect and everyone else is messed up, gossiping or tearing others down, or even allowing something or someone into our lives that God doesn't approve of can keep God's revival from happening in our hearts.  I was doing a little score card for myself over the first 48 years of my life, and I think that I arrived at about a C- for me as it relates to these 4 areas.  Here is a breakdown of my scoring:

1)Humbling myself: C.  I have never had the ego strength to be as humble as I need to be for God to do what He desires to do with my life.  Being totally dependent on God is a journey that I didn't really begin in earnest until four years ago when I found myself at rock bottom, totally unable to imagine my life going forward with me at the wheel.  I needed God to take over and show me the way.  I'm not there yet but I feel I have made measured progress and am finally in a place where I feel God beside me in everything that I do.  I do feel that a C is probably too high of a grade when I look back at my life. I also feel that getting an A here feels like an impossible task here on Earth. This is definitely something that I continue to struggle with, and I hope that God will be patient with me as I lean on Him to show me the way. Jesus says it best in Luke 6:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.
Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 
Give, and it will be given to you.
A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over,
will be poured into your lap.
For with the measure you use,
It will be measured to you.
Can the blind lead the blind?
Will they not both fall into a pit?
The student is not above the teacher,
but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.
Why do you look at the spec of sawdust in your brother's eye
and pay no attention at all to the plank in your own eye?
How can you say to your brother, "Brother let me take the spec out of your eye,"
when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? 
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye,
and then you will see clearly to remove the speck
from your brother's eye.”

I have read these words and learned about them since one of my first memories as a child.  What I have never been able to do is truly study them and understand their meaning in my life.  For so many years I have missed the entire point.  I have always said things like "I'm not one to judge" or "not to be judgmental" as I have been hard core judging people for their challenges and weaknesses.  I have lived for far too long in a world where I consider my own sins less "sinful" than the sins of other people.  It's a very humbling experience to have the ego strength to only look at your own life as it relates to God's commands and not compare yourself to your view of how others live their lives.

2) Praying: B.  Praying has been something that I have done on a regular basis for as long as I remember as we always prayed as a family when I was a child.  The issue is that most of my prayers were about me asking God for something as opposed to me desiring to talk to Him to establish a closer relationship with him.  I have not consistently taken the time to actually talk to God which is much different from saying my prayers.  Now that I am here, in prison, I am blessed with all the time in the world to learn to talk to God in a different way.  To ask Him what he wants to say to me and to be still while I listen for His answer.  There are still many questions that haven't been answered but I can feel Him as I am moving closer to Him and opening my heart to hear what He has to say to me about His plans for my life.

3) Seeking His face: D.  Wow, what a mind-blowing thing for me to uncover.  I can honestly say that for most of my life I have tried to know God and to meet Him at a place that is comfortable and convenient for me.  I would pray, read my bible, or go to church to check a box or to see if God had anything he wanted to tell me.  I have always loved Him and wanted to be loved by Him, but I wasn't ever really seeking Him in a way.  I have literally spent more time in my life talking to other people about traveling, boats, wine, business, or my hopes and dreams than I have ever spent talking to them about my relationship with God.  This was modeled for me from a very young age. When I was a child my favorite night of the year was Christmas Eve at "The Farm".  This was a night when all my family, my aunts, uncles, and cousins would gather together at my grandparents farm to celebrate Christmas. 

Outside of the prayer before dinner and the annual reading of "The Christmas Story" we would spend nearly zero time talking about Jesus or our journey as it relates to seeking Him.  We did however spend a great deal of time talking about our accolades such as grades in school, who had a new job, who was driving the new SUV in the driveway, and who was getting a new boat or taking an exciting vacation.  I love my family and am very lucky to have grown up with such great people, but the model that was set for all the "kids" was not about seeking God's face.  If you look at all of us now as adults the discussions are very much the same as they were back then.  I can't remember a time when I have had a discussion with any of my cousins about our faith or our journey in growing closer with Christ.  We all learned so many great things from our parents and other family members, but we didn't learn to prioritize seeking to know Him on a deeper level.

What I did learn was that my happiness in life would be driven by my "success" which was measured by the money I would make and the things I would be able to buy with said money.  In my opinion we were all missing the boat completely. For me this was an awakening, and it sends a strong message to me about how I want to behave going forward.  I have missed so many opportunities to model these behaviors and it is now so clear to me the impact this can have on all of those around me.  There are so many moments that I'd like to replay and use in a way where I was glorifying God and His kingdom instead of glorifying the things on earth that I valued even more than seeking Him.  During my fast this week I was reading Psalms and came across Psalm 103...why would I not want to spend my time and energy seeking THIS guy:

“Praise the Lord, my soul; 
all my inmost being, praise His holy name. 
Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits —
who forgives all your sins 
and heals all your diseases, 
who redeems your life from the pit 
and crowns you with love and compassion, 
who satisfies your desires with good things 
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. 
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. 
He made known His ways to Moses, 
His deeds to the people of Israel: 
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, 
slow to anger, abounding in love. 
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor His anger forever; 
He does not treat us as our sins deserve 
or repay us according to our iniquities. 
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, 
so great is His love for those who fear Him; 
as far as the east is from the west, 
so far has He removed our transgressions from us. 
As a father has compassion on his children, 
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;  for He knows how we are formed, 
he remembers that we are dust. 
The life of mortals is like grass, 
they flourish like a flower of the field; 
the wind blows over it and it is gone, 
and its place remembers it no more. 
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, 
and His righteousness with their children's children
with those who keep His covenant 
and remember to obey His precepts. 
The Lord has established Histhrone in heaven, 
and His kingdom rules over all. 
Praise the Lord, you His angels, 
you mighty ones who do His bidding, who obey His word. 
Praise the Lord, all you heavenly hosts, 
you His servants who do His will. 
Praise the Lord, all His works everywhere in His dominion. 
Praise the Lord, my soul.”

I have spent so much of my life seeking things that are not truly fulfilling when I could have put that energy into this everlasting relationship with our one true God. I literally can't wait to see what my life will look like now that I am committed to putting my time, talent, and energy into truly seeking my Father.

4) Turning away from my wicked ways: D.  This one was perhaps the most difficult for me to grade because I have never thought of myself as having any "wicked ways." I've always been kind to others. I've always had a lot of empathy for those around me. I've always cared a lot about others' success and helping them in any way that I can. I've never had an extramarital affair. I have never intentionally hurt anyone. I have never turned my back on someone in need. These have always felt like things that make me a "good guy." But when I stopped to think and pray about my life, and what wicked ways have kept God's revival from being done in my heart, I had a much different opinion of myself. I may be one of the most judgmental people who have ever lived. I am ashamed of how judgmental I have been towards others, only to make myself feel better about and able to tolerate who I was. Gossiping is something that I have found myself doing repeatedly—talking about other people’s business and judging them with a group of people when none of us have any idea what their actual story is or what it is like to walk in their shoes. I have failed miserably at allowing someone or something in my life that does not have the full approval of God. I have worshiped money, the things money can buy, and the feeling I would get when I used my success to make myself feel better than others. I have spent so much of my life doing whatever it takes to gain the love and acceptance of people whom God would never have approved of in the first place for me. 

I hope you all have a blessed week ahead... I’m certain I will.

Posted on September 9, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 7 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown!

This week has been the hottest yet here at camp... what a nightmare it is to live without AC in these temperatures. I will say that I am very grateful it has been cooling off to the low 60s at night, which has really helped with sleeping. This weekend was the biggest of the year here in Morgantown, as WVU played Penn State in their first football game of the season. My boss and most of his colleagues took the day off on Friday to see Pat McAfee do his show live on the WVU campus, and all the staff had a tailgate party on Thursday to get ready for the big game. There’s great energy around campus as everyone is getting fired up about the college and NFL seasons getting underway this week and next.

Now that I am back in my old bunk with my old bunkie, I am living back in the "food truck." My bunkie has a side hustle where he makes and sells all types of sandwiches and wraps to the other inmates in my unit. Very entrepreneurial in spirit, but it makes going to sleep at night quite difficult. Picture putting a "bed" (I use that term loosely) in the middle of a food truck and trying to sleep while people place orders and all types of grilled cheese, etc., are being made and served around you. Glorious this is not. I'm certain this is all happening for a reason, or perhaps it’s just part of the punishment, and in due course, it will all be revealed to me as part of my journey.

This Tuesday, we had a compound-wide lockdown, which means we all had to vacate our dorms while dozens of officers went through our things looking for contraband. There have been many occurrences of drug use lately, and in fairness to the officers, they had had enough and used the opportunity to shake things up. At the end of the lockdown, they took several people to the SHU, and loads of others were written up. As all ~400 of us sat outside in the heat for three hours while they literally "tossed" everything we owned, it gave me a chance to observe the nervousness around me and think about how calm I was, knowing that I didn't have any of the rule-breaking items they were looking for. It really made me reflect on how different this was from what I had become accustomed to feeling from 2013 to 2020 when I was living with the constant guilt and fear that went along with the crime I was actively committing. I remember the feeling I had every time I falsified a document or told a lie. I was constantly nervous, ashamed, anxious, scared, fearful, and sad—overcome with guilt as I knowingly sinned and was unable to break away from a life that never felt normal but had begun to feel necessary. I was fortunate to have a job I loved and to work with people who were my friends (most of them, anyway), but I couldn't stand up to the internal and external forces that caused me to continue stealing in an effort to provide a lifestyle for the ones I loved. A lifestyle that I couldn't afford but had become the expectation of the people whose appreciation and approval had begun to mean more to me than my own peace and self-respect. If I had it to do all over again, I would have done so many things differently. I would have dealt with the trauma that formed the foundation of my opinion of myself. I would have set different expectations for myself and those around me. I would have had a heart-to-heart discussion with nine-year-old Josh, who was still very much alive in me and was calling the shots as he made every effort to feel the love and acceptance he was unable to find when it was his time. I would have surrounded myself with people who knew the real me and loved me for exactly who I was. I wouldn't have so easily dismissed those in my life that DID love me and were ready to accept me, as broken as I was, for exactly who I was. Sitting there on Tuesday brought all these feelings rushing over me like a waterfall, but the feeling I was left with was one of gratitude that God has enough confidence in me to allow me this time to completely heal and have another chance at living the life He has planned for me, just as I am. Writing this made me think of a poem by Derek Walcott that I read recently, and I wanted to share it with all of you:

The time will come when, with elation, 

you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, 

in your own mirror, and each will

smile at the other's welcome and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine.  Give bread. Give back your heart 

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you have ignored.

I was reading a book called “Counting by 7s”. It’s a beautiful book about life and how sometimes the most unexplainable things can have a dramatic impact on our journey. These things may seem sad or difficult, but in the end, they lead us to places we would have never gone if not for these events. Here is an excerpt from this book that really touched me: "If a plant was in the desert soil and had sun and enough water, a bud would at some point show up. It would start small and very green. Sometimes bugs ate holes in the exterior of the bud, but if they didn't get too deep into the thing, it would bloom, and the world would see flowers. With time, the outer petals would start to wrinkle, beginning at the tips. Eventually, the shape couldn't hold, and the whole thing would open up big and sloppy. The rose would now be more affected by the wind or the rain or even the hot sun. The petals would finally just dry up and break away, falling to the ground. This left only a round bulb, which was the skull of the thing. And in some time, that would finally drop as well, returning to the soil." 

If we think about our time here on earth and how we touch and are touched by so many people and things, how our experiences shape us for better or for worse, it’s important for me to reflect on the process of being born, dying, and everything in between. Once we are gone, the only thing left of us are the people whose lives we changed while we were here on this planet. I believe that, thanks to God's grace, we will not be standing before Him when we die and answering questions about our sins; Jesus has already done that for us. I do, however, have this picture in my mind of us standing before God, looking at a picture with all the names of people we have come in contact with and how many of those people were eventually led to Christ as a result of seeing Jesus in us. God calls us to be His disciples here on earth. I don't believe that it is our duty to lead people to Christ (He doesn't really need our help with that); rather, it is our duty to allow people to see Christ in us whenever we interact with them. This is a great responsibility, and if done properly, will indeed have a much larger impact on the world and the salvation of those with whom we share our lives. 

But what does this mean, you ask? I am so glad you asked. A couple of verses that stand out to me on this topic are Romans 12:12-21: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people (this is ALL people) who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." 

Also, in Ephesians 4:26, 29-32: "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

As many of you know, I have become quite accustomed to not seeing Jackson as much as I would like over the past year and a half. I am not at all used to this, but it has become part of my norm. Not seeing him at all while I am here is definitely the most difficult part of being here. We get to talk once a week, which is amazing, but I still spend a lot of time feeling sad (I'm crying as I type this) thinking of the things I am missing while I am gone. Hearing his voice for 15 minutes a week is certainly the highlight of my week. I know he is in good hands with his mom while I am away, but I long for the day when I can be near him and can once again be a regular part of his life. He sounds great, and although he looks and sounds really old, lol, he is still the same kid who loves to laugh and always has something funny to say. I am so proud of him for his strength and discipline, and his love for Jesus is second to none. I know that I will be with him soon, but it is not soon enough for me. I know that God loves Jackson more than I do and that he is only on loan to me, as He put us together for a reason. I know that God will provide for him everything that he needs, and this is what allows me to manage these difficult days away from him. I am getting much stronger (sans the current crying situation) than I ever imagined possible, and I know that in just a few months Jack and I will be together, both of us having used this time to heal and prepare for the beautiful life that lies ahead.

The highlight of my week has been all the feedback that I am getting from people who are both enjoying and gaining something from my weekly blog posts. Initially, I decided to write it for me so that I can have a record of my journey and serve as a therapeutic tool to write down how I am feeling and what I am thinking. But the fact that so many people enjoy tracking my journey and can relate to what I am experiencing is definitely icing on the cake (oh man, how I love and miss cake, especially white cake, yellow cake, chocolate cake, carrot cake, red velvet cake, and strawberry shortcake. I guess that's all the cakes; I think I just had a Bubba Gump moment there, my apologies). If you know someone who would enjoy tracking this journey with me or if there is someone who could benefit from my experience, please share my website with them, as I am an open book and want to share my story with as many people as God intends.

I hope that you all have a blessed week ahead... I'm certain I will.

Posted September 1, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 6 is in the books...another week down in Morgantown.

This week was another good week. Much cooler temperatures and loads of sunshine. This week I was able to take the only class that was identified as a "need" in order for me to get my time credits to be able to leave here early. In the Federal system, you take a fairly long survey upon arrival, and based on that survey, they identify "needs" and sign you up for classes to address these needs. They offer about 15 different classes to cover 15 different possible needs. My class was a drug class that is called "The 40 Hour Drug Class"...pretty clever people here in charge of naming the classes, lol. I guess when you take the survey and are honest about recreational drug use in college, which was 30 YEARS AGO, they see that as a need. It was actually pretty interesting and nowhere near 40 hours. The good news is that now all of my "needs" have been addressed and I will be able to get all of my FSA credits in order to leave here early. FSA is a law that was signed in 2018 by Trump, which gives federal inmates 15 days credit for every 30 days they serve, they just have to take certain classes and can't have a gun or Fentanyl charge on their record.

I did have a rough Wednesday this week when I found out that I had to move back to my old location in the dorm. The person who is responsible for changing our room assignments didn't update the system, and when we had a new guy come in, they gave him the space next to Matt that I had moved to just two weeks ago. I was very frustrated and a little sad, but I am convinced that God has other plans for me, and I will be patient while this all plays out, according to His timeline. Since I wrote the above on Friday afternoon, I have spent two nights falling asleep in the Food Truck where I now live. Going to sleep at 1 am with no less than 6 guys standing around my bed, eating and talking about various topics, is not ideal. I'm smiling my way through it, but, God, if you are reading this, and you can expedite your timing, that would be great! :-)

This week I have been studying the story of Jacob in my bible study. What a crazy story of a guy who literally couldn't get out of his own way, yet God continued to bless him and show him grace. It made me think about how much we can be like Jacob as we wrestle with the difference between what we want out of life and what God has planned for us. I was reading Genesis 32:6 and was left thinking, just as Jacob left his wrestling match with God with a limp, our encounters with God will always profoundly change us in some way. Jacob had a limp in his step for the remainder of his life as a reminder of what happens when you wrestle with God. I, like Jacob, have a reminder of what happens when I think I know better and have everything under control. There are many things about my time here in Morgantown that will stay with me forever, and I am grateful for this, as they will always serve as a reminder for me to follow God's will and not my own. The blessing is that what Satan meant for evil, God will use for good. I am so lucky that God has extended me so much grace and has allowed me this opportunity to draw near to Him so that I can hear Him and be obedient to His commands. I believe that in life, we have peaks and valleys, and that we do our learning in the valleys, not the peaks. Romans 5 tells us: "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. You see, at just the right time, when we were powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Also in Romans 15: "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide, we might have hope. May the God who gives us endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Jacob always had hope, and even when he was fighting with God, he knew what he was up against. For me, I always knew right from wrong and the difference between what God intended for my life versus what I felt I needed my life to look like in order to gain the love and acceptance of others. I am very thankful that God loves me enough to correct me and to leave me with just a "limp" to remind me of His power and His grace.

I have spent quite a bit of time studying and thinking about the difference between Success and Happiness. For most of my life, I have felt like the two are connected, they must be connected because everything in our society tells us that the two are connected. In my life, I have been fortunate enough to be considered "successful" by about any possible measure, but I have never really been happy. It took me a while to realize that I'm not worthless or pathetic. Those were just beliefs that I had carried from being raised by young parents who were just trying to figure stuff out. For years, I functioned fairly well in the world, but I had an underlying sense that I was fooling people, and I was driven to achieve in order to counter that suspicion. And when I was with other people, I would avoid dropping my guard out of fear that they would glimpse the real me and blow my act to pieces. Sure, I have many moments where I have felt happy or even seasons of my life where I have been able to embrace the concept of happiness, but I have never really been happy. Unfortunately, for reasons that I have just begun to understand over the past 3-4 years, I have allowed myself to be influenced by other people who either have no understanding of this difference or have been willing to leverage my talent and kindness to try and find their success or happiness through me. I have been reading a great book which I have referenced in previous blog posts, called “Think like a Monk”, by Jay Shetty. He talks about the difference between success and happiness in this context. "Success is earning money, being respected in your work, executing projects smoothly, receiving accolades. Happiness is feeling good about yourself, having close relationships, making the world a better place." "External goals cannot fill internal voids. No external labels or accomplishments can give me true confidence, I have to find it in myself." "When monks talk about happiness, they tell the story of the musk deer, a tale derived from a poet who was a fifteenth century Indian mystic. The musk deer picks up an irresistible scent (happiness) in the forest and chases it, searching for the source, not realizing that the scent comes from its own pores. It spends its entire life wandering fruitlessly. In the same way, we search for happiness, finding it elusive, when it can only be found within us." I had to learn that if you don't break your ego, life will break it for you.

On Friday night, I had another Morgantown first for me: I got a haircut at the camp Barber Shop. What an experience this was. I was the only white guy in the place (not certain where we are supposed to get our hair cut, but I guess it isn't there), and when I walked in, I could hear the whistle sounds from the old wild west movies when someone new walked in to the saloon. You really haven't lived until you've had a haircut in prison from a Mexican guy holding scissors right next to your neck with a "Fuck the Feds" (spelled exactly like this, lol) tattoo on one arm and a Grim Reaper tattoo on the other arm, next to the names and dates of all of his family members who passed before him. The haircut was actually quite good, and it only cost me 5 Macs. For those of you who don't know, and I assume that's most of you, a Mac is our currency here. If you've ever seen the packs of Tuna and Salmon at the store, they also sell Mackerel. Here, each Mackerel "mac" is valued at one dollar, a Tuna is $3, and a Salmon is $5.

I think the highlight of my week was an email that I received from my amazing Grandma on Friday. It was so sweet and supportive, and it really touched me. She is such a classy, smart, articulate, and thoughtful person. It's amazing to see someone who is 91 have such a sharp mind. Her memory recall is on point, and she knows exactly what to say. I am very lucky to still have her in my life, and although she is ready to be reunited with my Grandpa (who was at least as amazing), I hope that we get to keep her around for many more years.

I hope that everyone has a blessed week ahead...I'm certain I will.

Posted August 25, 2024

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 5 has come to a close...another week down in Morgantown!

I hope you have all had a great week as we turn the corner in August and head straight for September; we can finally say that Fall is here-Football season as well!

I am very much in the routine of things here.  Work is going well, although I hesitate to call it work; it's a lot of fun and therapeutic to work with my hands and get instant gratification on the projects we are working on around the camp.  I chose not to take the job working in the GED program.  I prayed about it and in the end didn't feel it was the right fit for me.  The job I took is working with my buddy Justin and for the guy who runs the recreation department.  We are taking care of the sports courts/fields and doing special projects for him.   I think I am getting used to the food, which actually concerns me as much as anything, lol.  The past four nights I have been sleeping really well, which would imply that I am also getting accustomed to the "mattress" and the steel plate bed.

The weather here has been very cool at night (I've even had to close the window a couple of nights this week), and the daytime highs have been in the 80s, so not too warm.  The downside of the cool nights has been that the large fans are no longer running because people have been getting cold.  The perfect storm of events with me sleeping well and fans being off has culminated with lots of complaints about my snoring, lol.  I have to lose about 20 more pounds before the snoring will stop, so I am buying all of my roommates earplugs from the commissary! I have lost 28 lbs so far and feel much better already.  I've been walking several miles a day and doing other cardio and core workouts in the gym.  My back pain is essentially gone; I'm so happy for that.

I ordered new tennis shoes when I arrived, but they don't carry my size and had to special order them, so while I wait for them to arrive I am wearing a super awesome pair of hand-me-down Adidas high top sneakers (don't get too jealous as the previous owner took the insoles out of them before putting them in the cabinet of extra shoes).  They even have a Velcro strap on them to keep my mismatch shoe laces (which were a gift from someone else) secure.  What a humbling experience when I get to "lock" my shoes into place each morning with the sweet sound of Velcro.  I am, however, thankful for the free high tops and laces because without them I'd be wearing work boots all day every day until my other shoes come in to the commissary.  Great news for all of you is that these shoes (the sweet high tops) will be coming home with me, which will allow you to see them, and so I can keep them in a case as a reminder of how important humility is and how sometimes something that is old and worn can be a great blessing.  When I think about how much money I have spent on shoes over the years, it is funny to me that out of all of those shoes, these are my favorite pair.

I am still meeting some very interesting and inspiring people as I continue to make my rounds trying to talk to new faces.  I have a philosophy that I stole from a great book that I just finished reading; the philosophy is to "plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit."  This is a beautiful and not super complex way of thinking about how we can help other people who cannot benefit us in any way other than the satisfaction of giving our time and energy to them.  I have been "consulting" with my new friend Chi-Town, who grew up in, you guessed it, Chicago...I have such a clever reading audience.   Chi-Town is serving his fourth prison term.  The way we would say that here is "Chi-Town is down for his fourth bid."  I'm glad I get to teach you all some of the awesome new vernacular that I am learning here!  Anyway, Chi-Town has had enough of being in prison and is working on a business plan that will allow him to run a legit business when he gets released in 2026.  He is such a good guy who really wants what is best for him and his family.  He's 59 years old, so all of his children are grown, but he still wants to show them how to do things the right way.  He and I have been working on a business plan, build a website, and file his LLC paperwork.  It’s been great for me to spend time with him and to help in a way that I am able.   

I have been studying Noah recently in a book called "Men of the Bible," which MaNell sent me.  It's a Max Lucado bible study, and I'd highly recommend it.   I think we can all relate to the story of Noah, not in the way that we have built a large boat or gathered up all of our family and all of the animals on earth to live together for an undetermined amount of time!  We are all like Noah in the way that we go through challenging times, and all we want is to have hope, to have an olive branch that will allow us to see the light and keep going.  For Chi-Town, his olive branch is the idea that if he creates a business plan and starts to make solid plans for how he can go home and live an honest life, then he will believe in himself and maintain his hope that he can still learn from his mistakes and make his family proud.  I believe in my friend, and by the time we are finished he will believe in himself too.

There are two other guys who I have had different discussions with over the past week that I felt were worth sharing with you and hope they make you smile as much as they did me.  One guy, let's call him Ken, well because that's actually his name, was telling me that he didn't like the food here and found it hard to find enough options for his specific diet.  He told me that he is a Presbyterian.  I, of course, was wondering how that denomination had eating restrictions.  He said, "I'm Presbyterian, which means I only eat fish."  Haha, I can’t  make this stuff up.  Another guy who we will call Tim (which is not his name, but he is much larger than Ken, so for obvious reasons I'll change his name for this story) was telling me that he really loved to study the stars and was interested in space.  He said that he is a big fan of Astrolomy, yes- Astrolomy.  The ability to keep a straight face during these interactions is a gift that I have been training for my whole life, lol...these are the things that make me believe that God does indeed have a sense of humor!

I continue to be surprised at how honest and transparent people are at this place.  I have written about it before, but I keep thinking about how in a place like this, full of criminals, I am meeting some of the most open and honest people I have ever met.  I imagine a world where we could be this honest about who we are and what our shortcomings are.  Imagine meeting someone at the office, at church, or even at Starbucks and they open up to you about an affair they have had, a law that they have broken, or even an addiction they have that no one knows about.  In the "real world," we have all of these ideas that we have to live up to, and we end up walking around pretending we are someone who is quite far off from who we really are.  It makes us feel better.  It makes those around us feel better.  But are we actually ever really getting to know the people who we are working with, living with, or even doing life with?  I would love to see a world where we feel safe opening up about our shortcomings or the things we have done to hurt other people.  It wouldn't only be refreshing, I believe it would make the world a better and safer place.  Imagine what would happen to the divorce rate, the suicide rate, addiction rates, and depression rates if we could all feel safe being our authentic selves.  Our mistakes should not define us; they are just part of our story.  If we feel open sharing them with other people, then we are releasing whatever power they hold over us.  I was reading a book this week called Think Like a Monk, by Jay Shetty.  It's a beautiful book that I would highly recommend you reading if you get the chance.  There was this great story about how we grow stronger by dealing with adversity and working through it together.  I wanted to share it with you.  "A few decades ago, scientists conducted an experiment in the Arizona desert where they built "Biosphere 2" - a huge steel-and-glass enclosure with air that had been purified, clean water, nutrient-rich soil, and lots of natural light.  It was meant to provide the ideal living conditions for the flora and fauna within.  And while it was successful in some ways, in one it was an absolute failure.  Over and over, when trees inside the Biosphere grew to a certain height, they would simply fall over.  At first, the phenomenon confused scientists.  Finally, they realized that the Biosphere lacked a key element necessary to the trees' health: wind.  In a natural environment, trees are buffeted by wind.  They respond to that pressure and agitation by growing stronger bark and deeper roots to increase their stability.  If we don't face difficulties, then we won't be as strong as we need to be, and if we are afraid to share our difficulties with others, we don't learn from them, and we don't grow in community.

I received my first visitors this weekend.  My Mom and Dad came for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday; it was a real blessing to see them and get to spend time with them.  Also a blessing were the Diet Mountain Dew, Hot Pocket, and Drumstick ice cream that they bought me from the vending machine.  Being able to hug them and spend time with them made my weekend.  I really miss my family and feel very blessed that they made the effort to come see me so quickly after getting approved to visit only a few days ago.

Until next week, hope that everyone feels blessed, I’m certain I will!

Posted August 18, 2024.

by Joshua Gregg.

Week four has come to a close…another week down in Morgantown!

As a week four comes to a close, I'm reflecting on my first month here in my new temporary home. I never prayed to be sent here or to be rescued from being sent here, I only prayed that God would know what I needed and where I was needed, and He would act accordingly. I'll be here for approximately 10 months in the end, and I can tell you that I am exactly where I am supposed to be (the Big Man is right again). I can feel myself healing spiritually, emotionally, and physically after what was a horrific 18 months leading to coming to Morgantown. My divorce and the subsequent knock-on effect almost killed me. The false narrative that was created about me, and the people who believed this narrative, is one of the greatest disappointments of my life. I lost so many people who I really thought were on my team, but I gained a few new friends, and I got a front-row seat to experience the life-changing love and support from my closest friends and family. I say this because I can't imagine a way in which I would have been able to heal from all of this without coming here. Again, God knew exactly where I needed to be. I feel different already, not completely healed, but I'm on my way. If I was given the option of leaving here tomorrow, I'd say no. I miss Jackson and the rest of my family so much, but they all deserve the Josh that is healed and 100% ready to make a difference in their lives and the lives of others. I believe that God needs to use me toward His glory to help so many other people. When I walked through the doors of this place, I turned around and said goodbye to all of the pain and disappointment that I was leaving behind, and I knew that when I walked through those same doors again, I'd be a healed and much more beautiful version (not physically, I think it's too late for that) of myself.

The weather was still extremely hot here until Friday, when we finally got some rain and a break from the heat and humidity. This weekend has been incredibly beautiful, with almost no humidity and plenty of sun. I think it will be really beautiful here in the fall, with all of the big hills and trees once they start to change colors. Football season is finally upon us. Everyone keeps saying how fast time flies once football season starts, and there is definitely a different vibe around here already, with the anticipation of games at least 5 nights a week.

This week, I was able to move my bunk to a new location. I am in the same room, but on the other side of the room, and it's been glorious. My new bunk mate is my friend Matt, and we have very similar ideas about what "clean" looks like, which is a major shift from where I was before. My last bunk mate was a good dude and is also a friend, but he is Captain Side Hustle. He does a lot of "cooking" of grilled cheese, quesadillas, and other sandwiches as ingredients "present" themselves. He was usually busy running what I call the "food truck" until past midnight most nights, which meant that I got to fall asleep inside the said food truck lol. This obviously isn't something that I was used to, so needless to say, going to sleep in a dark, clean area every night has been a wonderful change of pace.

One of the things that I was most nervous about when coming here was not having access to my cell phone. For about a week, I was experiencing phantom vibrations in my pocket, but I'm surprised to report that I really don't miss it at all. I do miss keeping in closer touch with some of my family and friends, but I genuinely don't miss having a phone. It's crazy because for the past 20-ish years, I have been tethered to that device, and once I turned it off and left it in my sister's car, I haven't felt the urge to have it at all. I don't miss social media, I REALLY don't miss having constant access to news and sports, and I don't find myself missing email and all the podcasts I listen to.  Okay, I do miss my good friend Joe Rogan, and if any of you see him, please tell him that I miss him and hope he will make the best of our time apart!

While I used to find myself "scrolling" before bed, while watching TV, going to the bathroom, sitting at a red light, or in a restaurant, now I find myself looking around and noticing other people doing interesting things. I find myself engaging in casual conversations with people I would have never spoken to in the past. What I really find myself doing much more of is reading books. I had almost forgotten the feel of an actual book in my hand. I have read more than 10 books since I arrived here on July 15, and it has been a game-changer for me. I feel more relaxed, more focused, and more in touch with how I am feeling and how others around me are going about their days. The silence that used to be deafening for me is now my happy place.

Most of you know that I have had trouble sleeping for a very long time. I have had to take Ambien and/or Melatonin almost every night for the past 15 years. When I didn't have Ambien or Melatonin, then wine or bourbon would work just fine. Well, this is the definition of having a problem, but I just didn't see it. My life was moving so fast, and I was feeling so anxious and unsettled that this was the only way I could calm my brain and get the rest I needed. Not having any of these things to help me sleep when I arrived here was one of my biggest fears (along with no AC and no fan). As I have mentioned before, the beds here are subpar, but I am not having any issue falling asleep or going back to sleep when I wake up with aching hips and shoulders. I think that not having a cell phone or access to a TV when I go to bed has a lot to do with this, but I believe there are other factors involved as well. I have more peace than I have had in a VERY long time. It starts with the fact that I was actively committing a crime for some of these years, and now all of that bad energy is behind me. I can close my eyes and, with a clear conscience, rest my brain and fall asleep. It also has to do with the fact that I am spending much more time meditating, praying, reading, and exercising than I have in a long time, maybe ever. There were several other external factors that led to my lack of peace, and those are all behind me as well. I thank God that I am having this opportunity to take a midlife sabbatical and do a total reset. I get to decide on everything going forward, and this time, I get to use the knowledge of all my past mistakes and past successes. This is a great gift, and I am relaxed in allowing God to decide what is next for me, no pressure, nothing to prove, just me being me.

This week, one of my friends, Kendall, went home after being here for almost 2 years. He was a really good dude, and it was great to have the chance to get to know him for my first month here. He really taught me a lot in this short time. It's bittersweet when people leave to go home. It's great to see them reunite with their families, but it's also sad because we spend so much time together while they are here. Kendall will be missed by all, but his wife and 4 kids are very excited to have him home.

This week, I read a beautiful book called "Counting by 7's." It was a super easy read, and the message was really neat. It's about a young girl and her struggle to find herself and her "people" after the death of her parents in a car accident.

I came across this while reading, and I wanted to share it with all of you: "Trees survive fires. Their bark is burned, and their limbs are dead branches. But hidden away under the skeleton is a force that sends a single shoot of green out into the world." I thought this was beautiful and made me think about human beings and how resilient we can be. Everything around us can be falling apart, and to the outside world, it appears as if it's over and there is no hope for redemption. But, there is always life deep down inside of you, and if you have hope and keep moving forward, there is always another day where you will be a beautiful tree again, even stronger and more beautiful than before. This is the exact same thing as when God prunes us. He snips and cuts the ugly parts, the non-essential parts, the damaged parts, and the painful parts away from us. Then, we grow into something that, at its core, is the same but is a much more beautiful version of who we are.

I hope that everyone has a blessed week; I'm certain I will.

Posted August 11, 2024.

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 3 is in the books…another week down in Morgantown!

I hope that all of you had an amazing week as we wrapped up July and are almost ready to turn the corner to my favorite time of year, fall (or autumn), depending on where you went to college. Us Ball State grads just say fall! :)

It was a VERY hot week here in Morgantown, unseasonably hot according to the locals. The heat is exhausting when you really can't easily escape it. According to the forecast, it looks as if we will be getting a break from the heat this coming week, which will be a great change of pace. My back is sore, which is a direct result of the 3-inch mattress that rests on top of a sheet of steel. I am not sure what my sleep number is, but I am certain that it's not #prison, lol.

This week we had some drama here at camp. There is a place here called "the shoe." I didn't know this place was real until I arrived, but it is definitely a real place. This is the only confined space here, which means you stay in an actual cell and only get out for 1 hour per day. You get to shower every 3 days and get to make 3 phone calls per month. This place is reserved for people who get caught fighting or get in trouble for doing something which breaks the rules that are in place. This week they found 2 cell phones in the electrician shop. Other than fighting, having a cell phone here is the greatest infraction. None of the guys who work in this area owned up to having the phone, so they threw the entire work team in the shoe. They will stay there for at least 21 days if no one owns up to hiding the phone. This has caused quite a stir here, as it's a reminder that you don't actually have to do anything wrong to get thrown in the shoe; you can be guilty by association. This is an important factor in determining which job you are willing to take, because there is definitely more drama surrounding some positions than others.

While my friend Justin and I were practicing the guitar earlier in the week, we were interrupted when a new guy walked in, sat down, and started talking to us. We had a great chat with him and began to find out more about him. He is from London, KY, and when I told him that I was familiar with that area, we started connecting over our summer experiences at Lake Cumberland. His name is Cornbread, yes Cornbread. Turns out my new friend Cornbread is a singer and songwriter. He sang two of his songs for Justin and me while we all sat in a small room in the education building. He is a Jellyroll-type character with a beautiful country voice and lyrics to match the exact image you have in your head right now. His songs were about his life and all the struggles he has faced. After he finished singing, he left the room, and the two of us were left with giant smiles. What a unique opportunity that we would only have had in this environment. In the "real" world, there is zero chance that Cornbread would have walked into a room where Justin and I were sitting and start singing to us. I love that about this place; here, we are all the same. We all dress the same, eat the same food, and sleep on the same horrible beds. I think this is what makes this place so special.

All of the external "stuff" that keeps us within our intentionally drawn boundaries in the "real" world does not exist here. Here, we are blessed to be able to do life with people from all walks of life and speak into each other's lives with no self-limiting beliefs or societal boundaries. I think that being here is the closest I've ever been to being able to see others how Jesus sees us, as humans, perfectly imperfect in every way.

The highlight of my week came very early in the week, on Monday, when I was able to speak to Jackson for the first time in a couple of weeks. To hear his voice was amazing, and being able to catch up with him and hear what he has been up to was awesome. He is growing up so fast and is always staying busy. He sounded great and is enjoying his summer, but also very much looking forward to school beginning in late August. Our plan is to speak on the phone every Monday evening for the next few months. I thank God that we had the opportunity to connect and can stay connected while I am away. I miss him so much, and love him with my whole heart; I can't wait to be back with him again.

I do have a prayer request for all of you. I need to decide what my job will be while I am here and need to make a final decision by the middle/end of this coming week. I have been asked to teach in our GED program. I think it could be an exciting and very rewarding opportunity for me and a way to give back to these guys. The challenge is that it's the most time-consuming job here at camp. As most of you know, I am not afraid of hard work, but I don't want anything to get in the way of my healing process. The job is to teach Math, Science, Language Arts, and Social Studies to men who are preparing to take their GED exam while they are here. If you don't have your high school diploma, it is mandatory in the BOP (Bureau of Prisons) for you to take classes towards your GED while you are incarcerated. There are about 50 men in this program here in Morgantown. I met with the head of the program on Saturday and will meet with a few other instructors on Monday to get a better feel as to whether or not this is something that I want to do with my time here. Please pray for God to guide this decision as I go through the next few days.

While reading this week, I came across this message which was impactful to me, and I wanted to share it with all of you. "For a long time, I saw Jesus from a distance and thought we'd met. It still happens to me every time I avoid people God made in His own image just because I don't understand them. My fear of them leaves me only with glimpses of Jesus. What I've come to realize is if I really want to 'meet Jesus,' then I have to get closer to the people He created. All of them, not just some of them. I think His plan all along has been for us to meet the people He made and feel like we just met Him. If I'm only willing to love the people who are just like me, the ones who see things the way I do, and avoid all the rest, it's like reading every other page of the Bible and thinking I know what it says. Sadly, when I make my opinions of people more important than just seeing them for how God sees them, I turn the wine back into water." - Everybody Always, Bob Goff

God continues to rewrite my life in beautiful and unexpected ways, knowing the next version of me will be better than the previous one.

I hope that everyone will have a blessed week; I'm certain I will.

Posted August 4, 2024.

by Joshua Gregg.

Week 2…another week down in Morgantown!

I hope you all have had a blessed week out there in the real world! I know that God has blessed me with a superb week here at camp. Week 2 flew by in a moment. I have been staying very busy during the day, except for my afternoon naps. Apparently, I have become a napper for the first time in my life! I am getting 8 hours of sleep each night, but the sleep quality isn't great, so these naps give me the boost I need to keep going in the afternoon and evening hours. I like it a lot and think I may adopt this approach once I get back home!

The weather has been beautiful again this week, with loads of sun during the day and a few storms at night, which really cool things off for a great sleeping climate. As long as it doesn't get over 90°F, it's pretty manageable here, as the education facilities, dining (I use this term loosely) facility, and chapel all have A/C, and where there isn't A/C, we have lots of large fans going all the time.

This week, I started helping with a class, which is really a workshop for people who will be looking for jobs when they are back in the "real world”. We are working on resume writing and interview skills mostly, and this is a lot of fun. The class is on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 1-3:30 pm. I am helping a few guys from the class during breakout sessions that I will hold on Sunday afternoons in the library, where we will actually sit down and wordsmith their resumes. Some of these men have never written a resume in their lives for various reasons, and it feels very therapeutic for me to be able to help them in this area; I love it.

I have made a couple of close friends here, Matt and Justin. They are both really good guys. Matt will be here about the same amount of time as me, and Justin will only be here for a short time, but I am really blessed to have met them and am enjoying getting to know them better. They are both about my age and have kids around the same age as Jackson. Matt is a lawyer, and Justin owns a commercial construction company on the outside, but in here, we are just guys trying to make this a better place and leave our fingerprints when we go back to the "real world."

I have seen so many interesting and funny things here that really aren't "blog material”, but I am already working on turning these experiences into some jokes that will certainly be coming to an open mic near you. There is just too much material here for me to pass up on the chance to share this with others.

One of the best parts of my week was tonight, Sunday night, where we had a baptism at church. I have a new friend named Chris. Chris is 34 years old and is a heroin addict. Chris has been to 23 different rehabs since he became addicted to heroin when he was a teenager. Chris' level of transparency about who he is and how his addiction has controlled every decision in his life and the lives of everyone around him is something that I admire so much about him. One of the best things about being here is that I am able to connect with people like Chris; people who I never would have crossed paths with in my "real" life, people who are inspiring me on a level that I have never experienced before. Chris has an amazing spirit and loves Jesus. Watching him come out of the water this evening and seeing the physical impact that baptism had on him was one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced! I feel so lucky to know Chris and to be able to pour into his life for the next several months as he and I will be walking this road together. God has put Chris in my life for a reason, and I am forever grateful that He chose Chris to be my friend. My prayer for Chris is that he will continue to experience the grace of Jesus and will continue to be filled with the Holy Spirit in a way that will allow him to feel loved and accepted for who he is. All of our sins have been wiped clean in the exact same way, and for the exact same reason, because God loves us so much that He was willing to send His son to die in our place. I can't imagine loving someone so much that I'd allow Jackson to get a cold, let alone die on a cross. Chris now knows what that love feels like, and I am so happy he does!

By far the highlight of my week was on Saturday night when I was able to call and talk to my entire family, who were all together celebrating my Dad for his birthday. It was only a 15-minute call, but it made me so happy to talk to everyone together. One of the blessings that has been given to me over the past 18 months is the confirmation of just how amazing my family is. God has blessed me with some real "ride or die" people as part of my inner circle. You never know who “your people" really are until you go through something that gives them the chance to fight alongside you and hold you up when you can't stand on your own. Being loved for who you are and without conditions is a love that I hope everyone gets to experience, because it's the best kind of love. Talking to them last night gave me so much energy, and I realize that I am part of something very special.

While reading "The Mountain Is You" this week, I saw this quote, which really stood out to me: "When you are no longer scared to feel anything, when you no longer resist any one part of your life, something magical happens: You find peace." Over the past 18 months, I have learned so much about "big feelings," how to have them, how to manage them, and how to feel safe enough to trust them. There has been so much power for me in not being scared to feel things and trusting that I can trust my people to love me, not in spite of my big feelings, but because of my big feelings!

I hope everyone has a blessed week ahead. 

Posted July 28, 2024.

by Joshua Gregg

My first week

What a long month this week has been.  Week one is in the books!  When I look back at my first week in Morgantown, it doesn't seem so long at all.  I guess the days seemed long, but the week wasn't so bad.  I am very blessed to be here in a place where I can continue to heal and can begin helping others who are also on their journey.

First things first: the food.  What can I say? It’s about what I expected; it’s not fine dining, but it’s edible.  I'm already down 14 pounds.  I think some of this is due to the fact that I ate just about everything I wanted for the past four weeks, I mean months, (ok for the past fifteen months) before arriving here, but I'm also sticking to two meals per day and exercising at least twice per day.  I think it’s a good rhythm and I’ll be able to keep this up for the next few months while I'm here.  I joined the softball league, and we had our first game last week. It was a lot of fun, kind of embarrassing but fun indeed!  

We have an area at the top of the campus where the softball field and track are located. It’s my favorite area on campus- it’s so peaceful and removed from all the other areas. I go up there every morning to read and pray; it’s truly amazing.  This place is so beautiful.  It’s about 100 acres of grass, trees, and even a large pond.  There are wild animals everywhere.  We have ducks, geese, turkeys, deer, turtles, GIANT groundhogs, and even some beavers along the river that runs right through the middle of campus.

 I've been doing a lot of reading and the library is great; this was a very pleasant surprise for me.  

I've been sleeping well. For the first time in over 15 years, I haven't taken anything to help me sleep, so admittedly I was very nervous going in. But it’s been good, and I feel super lucky for that.  I'm in a dorm room with about 30 other guys; it’s tight but not too tight, everyone really works well together to maximize the space.  The building where I am living is a great spot for me.  It's kept very clean, plus we have tons of fans (no A/C) and a huge ice machine-these were two of my biggest concerns in coming here, to be honest.

I won’t be able to get a job until after I complete my orientation which is scheduled for August 7, so until then I’ll be spending my days getting to know people, working out, reading, and resting.  After the past 15 months the rest is indispensable, and I can feel its impact already.  I have met so many nice guys here; I feel so blessed.  I'm starting to see why God put me here and gave me the gift of having this season in my life.  God is here on this campus, I can see Him everywhere.  I have been praying that when I am ready, He will put me exactly where He needs me, and for now, I believe this is it. There is much to do here, and I am praying that He will use me as a vessel to spread His love and His grace.

I mentioned that I have been reading a lot since I arrived.  One of the books I read early last week was called Grace, by Max Lucado.  This passage from the book really stood out for me and I wanted to share it with all of you: "To live as God's child is to know, at this very instant, that you are loved by your Maker not because you try to please Him and succeed, or fail to please him and apologize, but because he wants to be your Father.  Nothing more.  All your efforts to win his affection are unnecessary.  All your fears of losing his affection are needless.  You can no more make him want you than you can convince him to abandon you. The adoption is irreversible.  You have a place at his table."

I hope everyone has a great week ahead! I know that I will.

Posted July 23, 2024.

by Joshua Gregg